still bleeding blue and white

We lost. This is the first time in my career as a Cougar that our men's basketball team did not take Conference Champs.

I cried (just a little...) when Miles said "Lights" and the sheets came down and I watched clips of amazing basketball with Jimmer, Emery, Miles, Tav, Haws, Hartsock, my whole team! It was such a thrill. The screaming. The chanting. The PACKED Marriott. Even the seated side of the Marriott was on their feet.

We lost by two. I left the Marriott feeling sick to my stomach and my heart was broken once again. This was much more emotional than the end of football.

I don't know how to really describe it all, but...

despite sounding like a total crazy, I love BYU basketball.

Camp Cougar

Have I told you that we put our tent up LAST Tuesday (as in 8 days ago!) for the game today and on Saturday?! Well, believe it, because it happened/is happening.

I spent yesterday late afternoon/evening in the tent. It is surprisingly super fun and not as crazy as you all think it is. I got to watch some of the boys practice with Robby and Eric. Then Robby plugged in all the gear (we had to move our tent for devotionaland had just moved it back). The gear consists of a wii, Nintendo 64, Rock Band, basic cable, a heater, a little lamp to hang from the top of the tent...it's the greatest set up I have ever seen. I really want to watch a scary movie in the tent one night.

We played SDSU tonight. I really don't like SDSU so it is always fun to beat them. Plus my favorite BLAKE BEHNKE came and found me at half time. That so made my day, my week even! I had not been so excited to be surprised by someone for so long. It was great. But Blake, writing this has made me realize that we have not a single picture together! I thought we were better friends than that! Overall, a totally bomb night!

And this is why camping is so worth it!

she's sooo grown up!

The BEANS is 11!

Can you believe it because I cannot. My baby sister is so not a baby anymore. I am so proud of who she is becoming and I wish that I was able to be around more to watch her grow up.

We went to the beach together on Christmas day. Isn't she so cute? She fell asleep on the way there and on the way back. :)

I love her. I love her dance moves. I love playing charades with her. I love when we go on scooter rides and sing Corinne Bailey Rae. I love that she loves my baby Berto. I love her freckles, her long brown hair, and I love her sweet heart. She is genuine and she loves everyone. She is a great friend and she can make anyone laugh! I just keep thinking it is a good thing she doesn't have a phone because I would text her more than anyone else.

We definitely have the oldest/youngest sibling relationship. I would do anything for her.

I love you my Hannah Banana

monday monday monday

Today started soooo a Monday, but it ended way better.

I woke up a little, wait, that's a lie, I woke up super overwhelmed. It was just the realization that another week has gone by and I still am not sure what is lying ahead. Everyday is another day that I step into the unknown and some mornings (like today), I wake up falling. But don't worry, I don't fall for long when I get to go into a class like mine and work with the cutest kids in the whole wide world.

Then I had my very last class at BYU. We went to my professor's house and I really couldn't help but reflect over the last two years that I have spent with my cohort and my professors. It has been an amazing adventure.

One of the ladies in my program is convinced I would be Carrie Underwood if I went blonde. I made a comment and after she passed me a napkin that said, "You are Carrie Underwood." haha I have never gotten that one before and she says it every time I see her.

I talked to my professor about the dilemma I was having and I think I have a temporary solution...an idea to fall back on...something to calm my high levels of stress. Thank you Katie Steed!

Choosing to be happy.

duck...duck....

GOOSE

My new favorite game to play at work. I have two boys who try to play it together all the time, even when no one else is playing. And the way they run...so cute. Everyone gets into it, even my techs. All day you can hear kids saying GOOSE.

Love it

**Warning: This blog tells the truth and nothing but the truth**

A few Sundays ago I was walking home with a good friend of mine. We were talking about life and I mentioned something about this, my blog. He was shocked at the emotions and feelings I display for the world to see. This has since caused much thinking...

I am an honest person. I can't help it. What I feel is what I feel and writing it out helps. Not only does it allow me to get emotional without having people see me cry, but it helps me look at the positive things in life. I try not to be dramatic (though I know I am) and getting it all out here, where I know others can see it, helps me to see my life happier than I feel. I start to remember the things I am grateful for.

So, you have been warned. Don't be afraid of my honesty. I hope that my truth isn't surprising. I know that I am not the only one who feels the way I do nor am I the only one who has gone through the things I have gone through (though sometimes I swear I am the ONLY one). I have learned not to regret anything that has happened in my life or to be ashamed of it. I am who I am and I feel that so far, I have done the right things and I am fairly successful.

Thank you.

This is just how I feel about telling the truth (and the truth is, this is me).

On a lighter note - As I was walking my kids to the bus, one ran off and ran right up to me, jumped up and threw his arms around my neck. He said, "But, I'll miss you!" haha I know that he was just avoiding getting on the bus for as long as possible and was feeling great thanks to the nap he had gotten...but it still made me happy :)

I'm really just a normal girl who does crazy things for BYU balll

I got a text yesterday that said, (drum roll please)

"Tents are up!"

That's right! I know, I know - 10 days before a game!? Definitely.

Our next home game in in one week against SDSU. I am not SDSU's biggest fan in any way, so I can't wait to see us kill them. Then a week from Saturday we play UNM, the one team inour conference currently ranked higher than us. Don't worry - we're going to change that one for sure. Camping out for these games is going to be tons of fun and...

I know you're at least a little bit jealous.

Choosing to be...

It's amazing how therapeutic the rain can be. It's a gloomy day here in Provo, but for some reason, it is makes me better. I love the idea of spending the day inside with a good movie, good friends (my mommy), and some hot cocoa.

I have recently had an epiphany, except it is something I have always known, so I am not sure how much of an epiphany it really is.

Here it is, my epiphany:

We are in full control of how we are going to react to and face life. Things might not be going great but i can choose to be happy. I can choose to make the best of the things coming my way. I can choose to be confident, in love, outgoing, selfish, sad, optimistic, angry. I can choose to have a good attitude or a bad attitude. I can choose to make my situation what I want it to be.

While it is easy to choose to make things better, it is harder to act upon it. So here I am to tell everyone that I am choosing to be happy. To make the best of what I have. To enjoy the little time I just might have left in Provo. To smile.

Now that I have told the blogging world, I feel a responsibility/motivation to actually do it.

I will let you know how it goes :)

the day of love

Happy Valentine's Day.

You know - most people think you can only celebrate this day with your significant other, but I am here to tell you that isn't true. It's a day about love and last I checked, I haven't been dating someone for more than a month, nor have I ever dated anyone through Valentines, but I am still surrounded by people who love me and I love them. I just didn't feel like moping my weekend away.

Friday on our field trip one of the volunteers was saying that there was a student who was at the other corner of the gym, past the curtains that divided the court. They told us that they tried to carry him back but he would just slouch and slip right out of their arms. I had a guess of who it was so I walked over there and there he was, just this tiny body curled up in the corner of this huge gym. I stepped up to him and he just looked at me and reached his arms out. I could have started to cry...I am really his teacher. He trusts me and he loves me. I carried him all the way back and he spent the last ten minutes sitting with me.

I have spent most of my time this weekend with Aubrey. I don't know what I'd do without this gem of a friend in my life. We spent last night with Phil and David - two boys who will forever be in my life. They get me through the boy drama. Earlier today we watched BYU dominate Air Force. I am also so very grateful for all of my ball buddies. This year one of them has been fighting cancer and it has been such an experience to see how everyone has grown together through it. Then tonight we went and saw New Moon with three great boys from our ward. Eh, Jacob really is sort of beautiful.

Berto and I also had our bonding time throughout this weekend. We cleaned his cage super good and watched some tv together. He is a great little pet who is getting huge and still nibbles a little...

Best thing though:

Mom came into town tonight. I have really needed her over this last month and a half.

I have so much love in my life, I really cannot complain.

Just a normal Thursday in my life

Today was great. I had a little bit of everything.

First, I took a student on a walk. We go and sit in a room together and we're singing baby beluga, twinkle twinkle little star and all that good stuff. He starts getting sleepy and starts belting out in song - "No one else, no one else...la la da de ba." I recognize the melody but the only words I can make out are "no one else". He keeps singing and before long I realize he is singing "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. It was amazing.

Later on in the day I was in that room once again and this time I got bit. Sort of a monumental mark for a special ed teacher. That's the first time it has happened to me in this class.

Favorite Moment of the Day:

One of our favorite speech ladies came in today and we did a Valentine's lesson and at the very end she gave everyone a cupcake. They were cute little cupcakes and one of my great little students shoved the entire thing in his mouth and one of my techs was commenting on it and laughing and then all of the sudden she said, "Wait, where's your wrapper! Did you eat your wrapper?!" He was at the sink and I was watching him, assuming he needed a drink. I wish I had recorded his face...hahaha priceless. He spit out the wrapper whole. He had really put the entire thing in his mouth and cleaned the wrapper out. hahahaaa I can't stop laughing about it.

Nostalgia

My favorite thing to do in the whole wide world is to look at all my old photos. Seriously, I think I reminisce more than anyone I have ever met. Every time I see the dorms, little memories flash through my mind and I miss freshman year. Whenever I see the LaVell Edwards Stadium I remember all the times I have rushed the field. I see Liberty Square and I just laugh because that was by far my silliest year at BYU. I have done so many really amazing things with my life. Sometimes my pictures make me cry, sometimes they fill me with joy, but they always make me thankful for the thinks I have accomplished and where I am right now.

Memory of the moment...

The first sun of my sophomore year. Liberty Square Pool. Swimming with Robi. Laying out with Aubrey. Best day ever.

I'm not together...

...but I'm getting there.

I have been worried about my future. If you haven't noticed - I stress easily and that makes me emotional. I am just a stressball of fun. There are so many unknowns in my life right now and I have let it get to me, so much that I haven't stopped to enjoy the great things around me.

So, I am going to change this. Mom told me today that I should be loving this time. I am young. I don't know what the future holds. There are opportunities for me everywhere. I should be excited and anxious, right? I obviously haven't been too excited, but I am going to be starting right now. I know that I will end up where I need to be and I am crossing my fingers for a specific job opportunity that would keep me in Provo for a bit longer.

The more I put time into trying to open doors to my future, the more I see Heavenly Father either throw them open or keep them pretty tightly shut. My life has become this puzzle slowly coming together, waiting to be finished, and there is a thrill in watching it come together.

Resistance Merry-go-round?

I had a really hard time sleeping last night...yet I really don't remember being awake. I can't explain it but thought after thought kept me rolling around and I don't even remember the thoughts, except for one.

Resistance Merry-go-round.

I remember thinking that this was very important, so important that I grabbed my phone and left myself a message saying exactly that - resistance merry-go-round. And the best part is I totally remembered saying to myself that this will make sense in the morning.

I've got no explanation. It makes no sense.

My Day Opened With...

Baby Beluga.

One of my cute kids said Beluga...and we just looked at each other and, no joke, instant bonding. I started whispering Baby Beluga and pretty soon he was singing with me. Now, most people don't know this about me - but that song is one of my favorites. I am not sure when I learned it but I have always loved it. This summer as Alison and I would hike, I would often sing it as I showed off my super white thighs. I thought it was pretty funny. But, to hear that song from my cute boy...made my heart happy.

Realization that I am so a teacher.

I was walking from the work room back to my class and realized that I have started to fit the teacher, I don't know what to call it, mold? uh oh. My socks rarely match and I always wear them with my moccasins/slip on target shoes. Then my jeans don't really hide my unmatched socks...how cute?

Wonderful Weather Moment.

Every morning one of my students walks down the hall to see what the weather is outside (we have no windows in my class). Today he came back and said "CloudySunny". It was one word and it sounded so much better than partly cloudy. Sunny included in anything makes it happier.

RECESS

This week we have finally started going outside for recess again. Going outside for recess and actually feeling the sun couldn't make me any happier. I love it outside - well, as long as there isn't any snow, which is headed back our way between tonight and tomorrow.

My day has ended with lots of greatness too.

I went to water aerobics (soooo so fun!), then to dinner group (love having this in my life), and institute (Raymon is so great and I love seeing friends there). Also, my sweet roommate bought me tissues...I have been a little sick all of this year, but we all know it is so that I will stop using our tp to blow my nose. :)

Also, last night BYU killed TCU and I had courtside seats. I also had to cook for dinner group last night. The Livingstones saved me and dinner turned out fabulous without me even having to be there (pork salad...just as great as Cafe Rio's!). They also had me over for dinner on Sunday, then got me a piece of Magleby's cake on Monday, and gave me the ingredients for an amazing dinner on Tuesday. Love them.