so here is the story of gus' delivery.
my doctor gave me the ok to do a vbac & i spent most of my pregnancy trying to decide if i would rather a vbac or go with another c-section. see, the nice thing about roo's delivery is that i didn't have a choice. she wouldn't be here if it weren't for my mama gut telling me something was off & an emergency c-section. with gus, i had a full nine months to go over all the pros & cons, to let it stew around in my brain for hours each day. i reached out to many women that i knew had had multiple c-sections to get their perspective on things. honestly, i wanted to experience the "whole thing" - the contractions, pushing, watching my baby come into the world, BUT i was afraid. i cannot handle the thought of pain, though i like to think i am typically ok when it comes to actually feeling the pain.
i went into this pregnancy assuming i would attempt a vbac. then things happened - i began to doubt my body, specifically my scar that didn't heal correctly the first time. i saw a sister give birth, & while everything turned out 100% perfect, i drove home an emotional wreck. suddenly the idea of a vbac made me very anxious. & of course, the opinions of other women got to me too - some negative, some positive, but most were negative towards multiple c-sections. i felt fear behind the idea of both, but ashamed to choose to have another c-section. it's hard to explain, but it was almost like i was being selfish for choosing a c-section. i would never think less of another woman for choosing a c-section, yet, somehow i still felt like i was being judged? it's a feeling i didn't have with rooney.
ps. just so you know, c-section guilt is a real & common thing. check out number 5 in the article i linked. ding ding ding. that was me.
so after my appointment last thursday (5/11), ashton & i had a lot to talk about. we asked dr. larsen about risks. we discussed how many kids are possible via c-sections. he told us that after two c-sections, i would most likely need to deliver all the rest of my babies the same way. we considered how ashton is leaving for the academy in a month & he wanted as much time as possible with baby gus. we also considered the fact that i wasn't dilating or showing any signs of progress. yes, i know i still had a week of pregnancy left. i told ashton that i wanted someone else to make the decision for me. he didn't hesitate to tell me he thought a c-section would be the better way to go for us.
so, after a blessing (which did not tell me which to choose, like i was selfishly hoping it would) & lots of talk, we decided to go with another c-section. i emailed dr. larsen that saturday morning & monday morning one of the nurses called me to say it was scheduled for wednesday, may 17th at 7:30. monday & tuesday were two VERY long days - two days where i continued to go up & down & all around in my emotions.
wednesday finally came. we had to be to the hospital at 5:30 am that morning. so early. but great too, because i didn't sleep much that night anyway. we open the front door to walk to the car & it is S N O W I N G. you guys. mid may & there was snow. snow is not my favorite, but, it did make for an extra memorable day.
we got to the hospital right on time & they set me up, gave me an iv, & monitored the little man for a few hours. as 7:30 drew closer, my nerves began going crazy. i was on the verge of tears & shaking - must have been the adrenaline & i think my second bag of fluids was cold. the anesthesiologist came in to prep me & just after 7:30, ashton & i followed him into the OR.
once in the OR, the dam broke all my emotions poured out in the form of tears. hormones, anticipation, excitement, fear - it had built up & everything was about to change. the anesthesiologist kindly told me this was normal & then began to insert the spinal block. not my favorite part. definitely some pain & some bizarre-ness (the best word i could think of to describe it) as i could feel the center of my spine. gives me the chills thinking about it. immediately my body started tingling & my legs were getting heavy. they laid me down & then i could feel (but not feel at the same time) them moving my legs around, positioning my body on pillows, placing my catheter. i started feeling sort of panic attack-ish & dr. quiel hooked me up with some oxygen - which helped calm me down. at the beginning i said something about still being able to feel my toes & dr. larsen said, "well, it's a good thing i am not doing surgery on your toes." ashton & i couldn't stop laughing, it was fun to be able to interact with the doctors since it wasn't a stressful situation like it was with roo. it was nice to calmly go into this c-section, rather than rushing because my baby's life was at risk. it was beautiful to see gus as soon as he was pulled from my body. & then to hold him nearly immediately & keep him with me the entire time i was in recovery was everything that i missed with rooney.
gus immediately began searching for food. we spent the majority of our time in recovery nursing, which is wonderful, but i couldn't really just stare at his face. i wanted to soak in every little bit of his newborn face. from his droopy bottom lip, furrowed brow, & adorable (but masculine) nose. ashton brought rooney in to see her baby brother during recovery - a treat for me! i didn't expect to be able to see her that quickly, but i am so glad i was able to. she was the one person i wanted to see before surgery, but thanks to the snow, that wasn't possible. i think it's safe to say that she is in love with her baby brother.
at the end of our time in recovery, gus' temperature was low. they tried several times & it never went up, so he was taken to the nursery to be put under some warm lights while i was rolled back to our room. gus spent a good half hour being warmed up, while i sat waiting for my baby. luckily, i was surrounded by family & knew that ashton was with our handsome little guy. while in the nursery, a nurse who was in the OR with us, told Ashton that that was the quickest c-section Dr. Larsen had ever done. I believe it took four minutes to get guster out & then another nine minutes to get me all stitched up and surgery to be over.
the rest of our hospital stay was fairly boring - which is perfectly great! gus eats like a champ, except for when it come to my left breast. just like rooney, he prefers the right side. he sleeps deeply - so much so that sometimes it makes feeding really difficult. we had some great visits with family & friends. we were so well taken care of by the sweet nurses & everyone thinks our little mister guster is the absolute cutest. we couldn't agree more.
we have officially been home from the hospital for one full day. i am so glad ashton is here & taking monday off too - it's taking us time to get rooney back on her schedule and then figuring out our routine again. i am also very grateful to all of our family who has stepped up, visited, brought meals, kept us in prayers & sent us their love. we are truly enjoying this together time with our little family of four.