Thursday, March 21, 2019

that time we bought a house

oh heyyyy!

it's me. tati. 

life has been C-R-A-Z-Y!

i am teaching with VIPKID & gogokid. both are great. & i am actually not letting myself wake up before 5:30, so my class load has been fairly small. BUT, still! waking up at 5:30 am is kind of crazy. also, as much as a dread waking up so early in the morning, seeing those sweet little faces makes me so happy. it is worth it. it is good to be teacher tati.

i started teaching preschool. WHAT?! i know! it is small - five kids (one of them being mine) for two hours, twice a week. i was super nervous to take it on & told myself a few months ago that this was something i would never do, but it just fell into my lap & i LOVE it. i love these kids. rooney loves having friends come to her house. & teaching in my own "classroom" came back so naturally. i like being miss tati.

i just got released as a counselor in the relief society & am now a counselor in young womens. i really enjoyed my time in relief society & i am so grateful for the year i spent there. but, i am so very excited to give the young women all of my love! it is going to be so much fun.

our lease (that we have extended 5 months) is coming up & i want fort smith to feel like home. i don't want to share a wall with neighbors. i want a backyard. i want a place that i am excited to be in while we are here. i do like fort smith & i want to like my home. so, we started looking at home, just to see if we wanted to buy or rent. we checked to see what we would qualify for & that was sort of a mistake/but also a blessing because then we were getting phone calls & ashton felt like we had to follow through & got all stressed. 

it started on feb 1. with the may house. i absolutely fell in love with its pictures on zillow. that saturday i decided we needed to look at it, but we didn't have a realtor. we eventually met joseph who scheduled a visit for sunday, the third. oh my gosh. i did not sleep saturday night. i had all these plans for the house before we even walked through the doors. but then, we went. it is still the cutest house, but not what we were looking for. my first heartbreak in this home search journey.

we found four other houses we wanted to visit. the first one was pending since that morning. of course. it was the first one ashton was really interested in. the second one had an offer, but was willing to take back ups. we liked that one mostly because its backyard backed up to the yard of friends in our ward. the third one, (urban view) joseph was able to schedule an appointment, but warned us that it did have an escape clause. the fourth one, fern, was one that aston & i both loved the look of & both of us had driven by a few times, but of course, it was under contract. 

so monday, we went & saw urban view. we liked it! it was a good fit for us. there were a few things we knew we were going to need to fix immediately, like put a fence up around the yard, but it was cute. the kitchen was big & bright! all the rooms had light coming into them - the kitchen had the most, which is something our rental really lacked. 

we put an offer on urban view on wednesday (the 6th) morning. because of an escape clause, we had to wait THREE excruciating days to hear back. friday morning, joseph called with the most devastating news. you guys. i sobbed for a good hour.

then i asked joseph about fern, because i saw that on zillow it was listed as for sale again, no longer pending. he told me that the realtor for fern called him the day we put the offer on urban view saying that the previous contract had fallen through & it was available again. he told her that we had just placed on offer on another place & that was that. when he told me, i said something along the lines of, "yes! we want to see it asap!" so he met us there at 10:45. when i got out of the car, he said, "tati, god knows what he is doing. you didn't get urban view, because he knew you needed fern." i get the chills just thinking about that moment. we walked in & it felt like home. it is beautiful. so much better than any of the previous houses we had looked at. & the yard! it is giant & will be so much fun for the kids. we had a contract written up & ashton was able to sign it before going to work at 1:00. AMAZING. he did tell us that the house had 6 more showings over the next few days...

we gave them until saturday (the 9th) at 6:00 to give us an answer. i was so stressed/anxious all day. i couldn't eat. i couldn't drink. i was an absolute wreck. at 5:55, they sent us a counter & let us know that they were expecting another offer so you better know we got on that one quickly!

it wasn't easy. there was a lot of back and forth and attempts at compromise. it was exhausting. emotional. but we knew, we KNEW, this was our house and it was amazing to feel confident in that.

we closed on march 8th. ashton worked until that tuesday, so our moving date was planned for tuesday. ashton just coud not wait, so half of it was moved on Saturday the 9th after ashton got home from work and the rest was moved on monday the 11th after work. the kiesels were the only reason we were able to make it all work. so grateful for them!

then, our fridge was supposed to come on the 12th. of course, it didn't show up until the 16th - half an hour before Rooney's fourth birthday party. it was ridiculous.

but now, we are here! we are settling in & loving it as much as we hoped.

& that is how the house became ours.

Friday, October 26, 2018

pregnancy & infant loss remembrance

so, the majority of my posts the last few years have been about my experiences through pregnancy loss. i feel like i am on this soapbox A LOT & for a while, i was feeling guilty about it. but why? i think i worry people get so sick of hearing about this seemingly constant trial i am going through, but i have had so many people reach out to me because they are going through something similar. & let me tell you - that has been the best healer for me. to be able to help other women just by talking.

october is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance month. they say 1 in 4 women experience this loss. honestly, i think it is a lot more than that. i went through my closest friends & did the math.

- my mama & sisters 2 of 4 of us have experienced loss.
- my childhood friends 4 of 5 of us have experienced loss.
- my college/adult friends 4 of 5 of us have experienced loss.

these are just the women i am the very closest with & who been pregnant. that is A LOT of loss.

then there are the women who i have become close with through talking about my losses. some of these women were friends in high school or were in a class with me at BYU, some of them had previously just been acquaintances & a few of them are friends of my sisters. most of them i hadn't talked to for years. but they have now become my confidants, my go-to's during that time of month. we cheer each other on. we have each other's backs. we are bound together through empathy & these relationships are beautiful.

as most of you know, i recently had an ectopic pregnancy to add to pregnancy loss list. this one has thrown me a little because it physically altered my body (loss of my left fallopian tube) & i was not sure how that would affect our ability to get pregnant. when i asked my doctor here in arkansas if it would make it harder to get pregnant, he simply reassured me that i would be back in his office within a few months because i would be pregnant.

well. i am not. this

is the longest we have had to try, which if you do that math & count the months since my ectopic, it isn't that long. BUT, hear me out. this is the longest we have had to try by a few months, which feels like forever. & getting pregnant was never our hard part. our hard part is staying pregnant. so, it now appears that both might be hard which is extremely discouraging/makes me an emotional beast the week of my period (just ask anyone who talked to me at church last sunday (insert eyeroll emoji)).

as i have mentioned before, this time around is different because i am genuinely happy when i see others pregnant. i am so grateful for that. but it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt when i see a "we're pregnant" post or a mama snuggling a newborn. i so badly want that.

i will close this post with a picture i shared earlier this month on instagram:

October is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. Spreading awareness is something I have become passionate about, not just because it is all around us yet no one ever talks about it, but also because it helps heal me & bonds me to others who have experienced loss.

Two days after Mother’s Day and two days before Gus turned one, I lost another baby along with my left tube. I thought miscarriages were my trials and this ectopic hit me out of nowhere, so out of nowhere that I never really mourned. I just kept on living. This is the only picture I have from that day - just minutes before they took me into surgery.

I recently realized that I should be almost 7 months pregnant. Oh how I wish I had a cute little baby bump. It took 3 months, but I have finally mourned my loss. 

Over the 5 1/2 years of our marriage, I have been pregnant 6 times. I am sure many look at us, our two beautiful children, and think we have a perfect life. And we do. I am so blessed. And as much as I adore and absolutely LOVE Rooney and Guster, I have four angel babies that my heart longs to hold. 

Never assume. Never judge. We don’t know what people are going through. So make sure you love first.

Wednesday, August 29, 2018

hours in a day

do you ever feel like there just isn't enough time? that there are so many things you need to do, but so many more things you want to do? because, that is me. right now.

i need to do those everyday things - like manage my house (SO MUCH CLEANING), keep my kids alive & healthy, make meals, do laundry, etc. my chores. they take up a lot of my day.

the list of things i want to do can go on forever.

  • scripture study. i have good intentions & i have my good days & my bad days, but it is not consistent. this really should be a need for me & hopefully, with sometime, it will get there.
  • not just keep my kids alive, but make them happy (without the use of the TV). that's a current goal - lessen our screen time & IT IS HARD! how do i make food, clean, or even go to the bathroom without the tv?!!! my kids are at my feet the minute that thing is off. we have started listening to music, books on tape, doing puzzles, & i recently bought some blocks. but guess what - that is more for me to clean!!! also, i want to play with them more. i want to spend more time being focused on just them (not them & mac 'n cheese on the stove...).
    •  what do you guys do? what are your favorite open ended/imagination inspiring toys? please help.
  • read - i have a new obsession with reading. i am currently reading Anne of the Island, Educated, & Girl, Wash Your Face. ALL of them have me enthralled. i cannot stop.
  • VIPKID. so i actually got hired 19 days ago. cool. but no one was signing up for my classes. until this morning. i forgot to turn off the short notice option, so i happened to look at my phone at 6:50 this morning and i had a notification that said, "you have a class in 10 minutes." WHAT???!!! guys. it was a mad rush & i think it went ok, but it as thrown me through a loop today. also, i really want to do this. i want to have a little extra income to put towards my dreams - mostly traveling. also, can we talk about how much this will take over my mornings, the only time i feel productive? & there is still so much prep i feel i need to do before each class.
  • exercise. it makes such a difference & i love starting my morning that way, but it doesn't always. honestly, my health is something i am working on. i am trying to eat ALL the veggies - so send me all your favorite veggie recipes please. i was doing so well with exercise before my ectopic & then i sort of melted during recovery (which was so hard - both physically, mentally, oh, & emotionally too). it has taken me a lot to get back into a regular workout & i am keeping it calm with yoga, when i get around to working out.
  • meditation. i am so intrigued by meditation. it is something i would love to incorporate into my day. i mean, 5 minutes. i can do 5 minutes a day right? ya...
  • family home evening. family prayer. family scripture study. we always say we will do them before bedtime, but you guys, 7:00 rolls around and i am in a mad dash mode to get my kids in bed so i can chill.
  • embroider. remember how i was doing hoops&threads? ya. it has been a month since i last embroidered anything & i miss it.
  • watch shows with ashton, doing nothing, after the kids go to bed. this is our thing. it is how we unwind together before bed.
  • write posts in my blog. i don't do it often. i am no necessarily good at it. & i do not have a following, but i have lots of thoughts in my head that i would like to get out somewhere. which also leads to how i should probably keep a journal, too. so many things.
  • shower, put make up on, take care of my hair, my face, my nails, etc.

you guys. there's a lot of good stuff on my want list. how do i get it in? i feel like i need to wake up at 5 (i am available to teach from 6 to 8) & go to bed at midnight if i want to do any of this. also, give up social media & my evening tv time. i remember elder bednar's good, better, best & will probably go read that after this, but how do you guys do it? do i just pick one evening a week to focus on one thing? is it easier once kids are in school? do you have a time saving trick? tell me! 


Tuesday, July 24, 2018

the aftermath

the tati after miscarriages was bitter, sad, & heartbroken. i couldn't be around anyone who was expecting without feeling that twinge of jealousy. being that way was hard & i hated those feeling. i knew they weren't good, but i couldn't help it. even after my successful pregnancies, i continued to almost roll my eyes when another mom so easily got pregnant. i would instantly count how many months apart their babies would be - like that would tell me if they struggled or not & worthy of my happiness. i am now rolling my eyes at myself. ugh.

but this loss, while harder physically than even my c-sections, has been a completely different experience. i am sad, but not heartbroken. i mean, really, 25% of women experience a miscarriage - i have had 3. only 1 to 2% of pregnancies are ectopic & even less lose a fallopian tube due to rupture. when i look at those stats, i do wonder why me & every time i get ready to be mad at Heavenly Father for putting me through another loss, i am overwhelmed by the love He has shown me through this entire ordeal.

-  my parents. they made plans in february to come see us for gus's first birthday. in february, they bought plane tickets to get in to fort smith on the 15th. i even told them they could fly into okc or tulsa & we would come get them, but no, they flew to fort smith. & what a blessing! i went to the ER on the morning of the 15th. they got to my house just a few hours after my surgery. if they hadn't been here that first week post-op, i probably would have needed ashton to stay home from work. plus, who doesn't need their mom when life is hard?

-  dinners. i am so grateful to my wonderful ministering sisters & a relief society president who is so quick to serve.

- flowers. never underestimate the power of flowers. they can bring so much joy & no one can ever have enough. it might be a simple gesture, but it's telling someone that you are thinking of them & that means the word.

- wonderful grandma fry passed away on May 23rd & she is so missed. when my mother in law told us, she said, "i can't help but think she is with your babies right now, getting to know them." those words resonated in my heart. i felt not only grandma fry there, but my grandma thorkelson too. they are surrounded by family & i will have eternity to raise them.

- the biggest tender mercy (tied with my parents being here, of course) was the disappearance of jealousy. i even helped throw a baby shower a week later & did it happily! i have had a few friends call to tell me they are expecting and i experienced true happiness for them. i even told a friend that finally my loss doesn't outweigh someone else's joy.

as far as my baby though, i am still numb. i knew for nearly 2 weeks that i was pregnant before i went to the ER. i had plenty of time to dream and plan for my January 9th baby. we had names picked. we had already discussed the need for a minivan. & while i was hesitant like i always am early in pregnancy, i felt good, peaceful, & secure in this new pregnancy.

but, here i am...empty.

empty, but not mourning. i haven't had a real good cry & i keep going back & forth on how i feel about that. with every miscarriage, i have cried for a good week. i miss baby, but i feel ok. maybe i am used to the loss part? part of me worries that it means i didn't have a relationship with this little one & that terrifies me. but as i sit here, writing these words, i know that isn't true. sweet baby is there, with my other babies gone too soon & the sweet angels waiting to come to us. i am so proud that i was chosen to help their sweet little spirits gain bodies. it is such a tender mercy to have this knowledge & a testimony in the eternal bonds of family.

my army in heaven continues to grow.

my ectopic experience

the evening before Mother's Day, May 12, 2018, i saw a bright red streak & defeatedly told Ashton that we were losing our baby. i kept waiting for the cramping to start, the clots to pass - i know how a miscarriage is supposed to go. but the bleeding stayed light & inconsistent & the cramping never came.

that night, i woke up to a pain in my lower left abdomen. there was still a little bit of bright bleeding, but the pain was sharp & direct. i felt pressure & bloated. i reached out to mel (thanks girl for being awake at 2:00am!) we discussed the pain & she mentioned that it could be ectopic. i had recently read women describing their ectopic pregnancies on a facebook group & my pain didn’t match what they described. I eventually was able to fall back asleep & woke up the next morning feeling well enough to go to church.

no bleeding of cramping the rest of sunday & monday.

i called multiple OB's & clinics. no one would see me since i wasn't an established patient. it was unbelievably frustrating, to say the least. i knew i was pregnant, knew i wasn't miscarrying, but i also knew that something wasn't right. everyone told me to go to the ER, but i was feeling ok & not up for forking over $150. i even called the nurses line for my OB in Utah & explained my symptoms. she took my information to my doctor & called me back to tell me that he wanted to get me in for hcg blood draws & an ultrasound at the appropriate time. it was then that i had to sheepishly tell  her that we had moved, i couldn't get an OB to seem me, but i wanted to get an opinion before going to the ER. i even cried as i told her how much i missed them - i will blame pregnancy hormones.

at 5:30 am on tuesday morning (May 15th), a loud roar of thunder woke me up. i realized that pain was back. i sat up. went to the bathroom. walked around. the pain stayed. i said a prayer asking for the pain to be strong enough for me to go to the ER if i needed to.

the pain quickly got stronger. i couldn't sit up. i had to stay standing. my stomach was unbelievably swollen. i got ashton up to give me a blessing. i pumped while i was standing (couldn't leave gus without milk/i didn't want to be leaking at the hospital).

then, i drove myself to the hospital. big bolts of lightning flew across the sky as a pink sunrise began to appear. it was awe inspiring & my heart was calm.

i got to the hospital around 6:10. the nurses seemed skeptical when they checked me in.

"why do you think you're miscarrying?" 
"um. actually, i am not so sure that i am. i just know that something is wrong. i have miscarried before, but this time it's different."
"when was your last period?"
"August of 2016. i am still nursing my son."

the looks i got from that last answer!

"are you sure you're pregnant?"
"yes. i took a test 10 days ago."

they got me to a room. drew some blood. got a urine sample. i waited. the pain started to fade & i was worried that i had come for no reason. a kind doctor came in & talked with me. he felt my abdomen & the pain on my left side was wince worthy.

around 7:50, there was an ultrasound. she couldn't see much so she asked me to empty my bladder & did the longest transvaginal ultrasound ever. i could tell that she concentrated on my left side & it wasn't my favorite.

more waiting & around 8:30, the kind doctor was back. he explained that my hcg levels were at 4000. an embryo can typically be spotted between 1000 & 1200, but nothing was in my uterus, but there was  a 5 cm mass just outside of my left ovary. an OB (ironically enough, one that i called just the day before) would come to talk to me about the next step. it was most likely an ectopic pregnancy, but they couldn't say for sure.

shortly after, the doctor came back & said that the OB was stuck in a surgery, but would like me to go to pre-pop where he would meet me & explain what was happening. all the doctor would tell me was that i would be having a procedure.

around 8:50 both my ER & pre-op nurses came in & i was not at all ready to go for surgery. they were rushing me for an IV & getting me in a gown. they were also surprised that i was alone & said i should get ashton there ASAP. since ashton wasn't there to take my belongings, security had to be called to hold onto it for me. my angel husband got the kids dressed, ready & to pre-op within half an hour!

more waiting, but now in pre-op. nurses kept talking about this procedure, but no one could tell me what it was.

the OB made it in & pulled up pictures of my ultrasound. fallopian tubes are about the width of a pencil & the embryo in my left  tube was 7cm. he said it was definitely ectopic & that they would go in laparoscopically via three incisions - one in my belly button & two lower, along my c-section incision. they were hopeful to make two cuts into my tube & pull the embryo out, but if my tube had ruptured, it would also need to be removed.

ashton & i were told that the surgery would be finished in about 30-45 minutes. shorter if all went well, longer if  the tube had ruptured. ashton took the kids to the waiting room.

minutes later, the OB came back & said, "you're a pretty tough person huh?" i was a little confused & said something along the lines of, "ya, i think so." thinking he was referring to my history with pregnancy loss & how well i was holding it all together. he then told me that i had about 300 cc's of blood in my stomach. my tube had definitely ruptured & would need to be removed. he was shocked that i wasn't in more pain.

the anesthesiologist came out & within 5 minutes, things were out of focus. i barely remember moving onto the operating table - something about a pink cushion that my bum had to be below?? then i was waking up with this faint memory of pushing nurses off of me & struggling to breathe. apparently, i asked my nurse all the same questions over & over (she was obviously annoyed) & i was insanely thirsty.

my nurse helped me use the restroom & then i was being wheeled to the car. talking to ashton now - that whole surgery/recovery took about two hours.

my ectopic experience was not at all like those of the women who have shared on various LDS mom facebook groups that i belong to. many of them described unbearable pain - like throwing up from pain. an ulstrasound tech said that she can tell just by looking at a patient that it's ectopic because they are sickly pale with dark circles around their eyes. i don't think anyone would have been able to look at me & tell that something was wrong.


it's been just over two month since everything happened & since i wrote most of this post. there is still some of that numb feeling.

when i went into my follow up appointment, my OB kept saying things like "if you had taken a step too hard, things could have changed drastically in seconds" or "it was a good thing you got to the hospital when you did because you were a time bomb just seconds from going off". i still can't believe that i had gotten to that point. like i said earlier, i just didn't feel like things were that bad.

life has kept going. it has kept me busy. being down a fallopian tube hasn't changed much, at least not yet. i might say differently when it comes time for us to try getting pregnant. & then again - how much of it will be because i do miscarry often vs. only having one fallopian tube? my OB doesn't think having one tube will make much of a difference. he also told me he has a feeling he will see me again in a few months because of a positive test, so let's hope that comes true!

one last thing. this will probably be the hardest part about having had an ectopic pregnancy. as soon as i get that positive pregnancy test, i have to come in and begin blood work & early ultrasounds. this is because once you have had an ectopic, you are more likely to have another. well, because of my miscarriages, i have tried to put off having an appointment until 10 weeks. in my experience, when i go in at 8 weeks & we look at the ultrasound, doctors always say something along the lines of "you must not be as far along as you thought because there is no fetus yet, just a sac." but that is what happens with blighted ovums & within a few weeks, i am miscarrying. so...yay for doctors being proactive, but boo for knowing i am going to miscarry around 6 weeks & having to go 4 more weeks anticipating it happening. hopefully, this isn't the case. hopefully, i go in at 6 weeks and hcg tests double as they should & everything goes smoothly. hopefully.

Thursday, December 21, 2017

life in fort smith

fort smith has now been our home for three whole months & it really has started to feel like home.

life here is slower. traffic is almost non-existent (except for on the one major street we have). there isn't a whole ton to do - no aquarium, zoo, kids museums, etc. we have one target & seven walmarts (this is arkanasas after all). there are quite a few parks & we even have a water park, but none of that is useful for the winter. we have learned to let go of costco and embrace sam's club. we find ways to keep busy - library, play dates, running errands, coming up with activities to do at home...

we recently got passes to a children's museum about an hour and a half north. we went last week & rooney loved it so much, we had to get one. i imagine we will try to go once or twice a month.

our ward is full of amazing people who have welcomed us in. a few women do a preschool for an hour once a week & rooney is always talking about her "school". i was called as the relief society compassionate service leader, which has forced me to get out of my little comfort zone & get to know people.

ashton has settled in with work. he has sundays & mondays off & his hours are a little different day to day. he is really enjoying being in the tower & training. he is doing a great job.

things are different here & we still have some adjusting to do - i think getting used to not being close to family will take the longest, but we are so happy to be where we are.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

just a stay at home mom

since moving, there have been a few instances where people have asked me what i do for a living. i have always replied: "Oh, I am just a stay at home mom."

just?! JUST?!!!

i can't believe that came out of my mouth. what i really should have done is proudly say, "I am a stay at home mom of two kids & i am amazing"

i have dreamed of being a mom since i was a child, so why do i suddenly feel like i can put my role down?

i had worked part time after having rooney & it was hard, but having a break from my kid was actually really nice, even if i was working. at work my schedule was determined by me, i got to talk to adults, & i never had to share my food. now, i am not saying being a working mom is easy, because IT IS NOT.

but being a stay at home mom is not easy either. & i think people often just assume SAHMs have it simple - play with kids, cook some food, & hang out all day long. hahahahaha that couldn't be further from the truth. i spend all day running around like a chicken with its head cut off. it is not a pretty sight.

i am almost always bra-less around the house, in sweats & a baggy shirt, hair in a pony, no makeup & that's as glam as i get. that does something to your self-esteem. at least i get a shower in everyday, right?

my day consists of constant thoughts of what i need to be doing. for example:

while i am working out, i am thinking about what to make the kids for breakfast. as i am showering, my thoughts go to what is the weather, how do i appropriately dress my kids. then i step out of the shower to ashton who has to run to work and a crying gus. i nurse guster all the while thinking of something fun to do with rooney today when i see a sock on the floor which reminds me that i have laundry in both the washer & dryer. so i fold one load as i try to read rooney a christmas story while gus sleeps. then i am working for my dad so i start that & of course gus wakes up 10 minutes in. he is poopy & they both need a bath, so i take a break to bathe the babies, which is sort of a circus. once they are clean, smell good, & dressed, we head back downstairs. i am holding gus on my lap, reaching out to my computer perched on the couch arm (because little man can literally reach anything & will push off my lap to get to my computer), trying to edit some company names, & asking rooney to hold on because she is obviously ready for lunch, but doesn't know what she wants to eat. she asks me to list off all of her options, but picks ramen, she is always picking ramen these days. i make her some ramen while gus is screaming in his stander. i run between the stove, gus, & my computer - trying to get it all done. i go to get rooney a bowl and realize the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. i put that on my mental "to do" list for later today, get her some ramen as quickly as possible so that i can nurse gus who is so ready for a nap. while i am nursing him, i realize today is the 14th, there is book club tonight & all of the hoops that i want to ship out for christmas need to be in the mail within FIVE days! eventually, gus gets down for nap, rooney shortly follows after frosting a sugar cookie that we made yesterday (legit the best, softest, chewiest cookies & frosting), & i finally eat lunch - which makes me start thinking about what on earth i am going to make for dinner. it's only 12:30.

i need to: unload the dishes, fold more laundry, make my bed/tidy up the room, clean the kitchen (still a flour mess from our cookies yesterday - did i mention they are amazing?! & so worth the mess), go to the post office, finish an 8" hoop that will easily require 6 more hours + so many more little nativity ornaments (& really, i would love to turn hoops&threads into something more, but that also requires more time), make dinner (hopefully leftovers are good with everyone because i need easy), maybe go to book club?, keep my kids entertained, happy, & alive for the rest of the day, & address/stamp/send out all our christmas cards.

sometimes, i get sad thinking about all the things i want to do, but never feel like i will be able to get to because life is so buys right now. & i know, i know, that someday i will miss these days so i really do try to enjoy every single minute of the crazy.

my brain is in a constant state of chaos. i am always multitasking. & i am pretty much exhausted all the time. when ashton gets home from work, i physically, mentally, & emotionally crash. the poor man.

so i am no longer "just" a stay at home mom.

i AM a stay at home mom, i am so blessed to be a SAHM. this has always been my dream!

 & i do so much in one day, even if my house doesn't show it!

me with my little bosses who make all the chaos but also make it overwhelmingly worth it.