Wednesday, August 31, 2016

your happily ever after

tonight for mutual, we had a back to school dinner.

it was beautiful. most of the girls came. & each of the leaders bore a short testimony about President Uchtdorf's talk, Your Happily Ever After, & back to school advice.

if you haven't read the talk, do it. regardless of your faith, his words are true!

all fairy tales, all "once upon a time" stories, end with "and they lived happily ever after." but between once upon a time & happily ever after, the character faces trials & adversity. trial is part of the journey.

our young women's president gave each of the girls a copy of this quote:

how beautiful are those words? how true they are! we all go through adversity. we all struggle, but we are also strong. how we choose to react in our trials will take us to our ever after. so will we choose to make it happy?

along with this, please remember that you aren't the only one struggling through adversity. we all have trials. & a lot of them aren't visible. no matter how perfect someone's life might seem to be (especially on social media), remember that they have trials, too! so, please work to be slow to judge & quick to love.

your life might not be going the way you planned, but don't ever think that you won't have your happily ever after. heavenly father knows what he is doing, he knows you, & he will make your ending exactly what you need & you will be happier than you ever could've imagined.

"your own wondrous story has already begun. your 'once upon a time' is now."

Thursday, August 25, 2016

is this real life?

i called the specialist yesterday, set up an appointment, & went on my way.

then, i was driving home from mutual & it hit me. this has become my life.

i remember after my second miscarriage, i called my doctor's office to schedule some tests that she had suggested. when i spoke to the nurse she said something along the lines of infertility tests. i didn't know how to respond. "no" was my first thought. fertility isn't my issue. i was going to be the mom with 5 happy kids, all spaced a wonderful two years apart. this was just a hiccup that we were going to fix.

i have thought about that moment a lot. how naive i was - thinking i was invincible & that my life was going to turn out exactly how i had it planned. ha.

so, the next journey for us includes praying to carry a baby full term & hoping ashton gets his dream job in air traffic control.

more on ashton & atc. they opened up the bid (finally) & he made it through to the next round. now we just wait to find out when and where he needs to take the aptitude test.

this whole journey to air traffic control has been unreal (read: ridiculous, unfair, a joke...). talking about it boils my blood, which is why i usually let ashton tell people about how lame it is.

anyways, we have been feeling really good about this round & have been saying lots of prayers that ashton's dream job finally becomes a reality!

Monday, August 22, 2016

edometrial biopsy

last tuesday, i had my biopsy. today, i got the results back.

my cheerleaders who waited so quietly for me to be finished. i am so very blessed to have them.

the results aren't what i wanted... everything is normal - no hormonal imbalance. i called my mom pretty bummed & she was confused. isn't it good that you're normal? but, i am trying to find the good in this because not normal things are happening to me, who, according to all tests, is normal. i have to say though, that i did sort of expect this to be the case. it would have just been too easy if progesterone was the fix.

the next step is to see a specialist. i have been playing with whether or not it was worth it. even according to their website, they only can diagnose why miscarriages happen 50% of the time - exactly what my ob told me. so, is it worth it? because waiting for test results just means waiting even longer before getting pregnant again. waiting is the worst part.

but, i talked with a nurse who is quickly becoming my favorite. she was the one who took care of me when i went in for my biopsy. as i got emotional, she told me she had been here before & that she had to see fertility specialists. she gave me the name of the doctor she had seen & told me that she had really liked him. then today, while we were going over the results, i asked her if it was worth it to see a specialist. she told me it was, that they can help us come up with the next steps.

so, regardless of what they can or can't tell us, i think that is the direction we will be heading.

last night, i was trying to fall asleep as my mind was going non stop. i had connected with an acquaintance who was struggling through her own journey of losses & fertility - she said so many things that resounded in me, things that i needed to hear. then my heart was going out to a friend who is unsure of her current pregnancy. & another who was fearful that her ivf didn't take (found out today that her fear came true). easy to see why my brain wouldn't shut off.

suddenly, i realized i was singing a song in my head. i fell asleep as i sang the third verse to "How Firm A Foundation" over & over. i encourage you to listen to the song as it has brought me so much comfort today as i have continued to ponder the things happening in my life & in the lives of those around me. i will leave those words with you & hope you can feel the same comfort from them as i have today.

  1. 3. Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed,
    For I am thy God and will still give thee aid.
    I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
    Upheld by my righteous, upheld by my righteous,
    Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

"buh bye"

almost as soon as she wakes up, roo requests (demands) that we go "buh bye". it's a new thing & it is fun/exhausting. some days, it is great because we run errands. most days though, it means i have to actually get ready...

here are a few of our adventures from this week. luckily, sometimes just a walk is enough.

 those legs though!

i love this picture. rooney finally figured out what was going on at the very end & was so excited!

little girl is a ball of energy & being her mom is my greatest adventure!

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

real talk

ok. i just need a second to be real. i feel like most of my posts are positive, even when talking about my miscarriages. but this one is just the honesty of the struggle. the physical struggle. the emotional struggle. the mental struggle.

before i even begin, i feel like i need to clarify a few things. i never want this to come off as ungrateful. i am beyond grateful & i think that is why allowing myself to feel these emotions is so hard. i haven't yet had to go to an actual fertility specialist, so far i am just working with my obgyn. i am also unbelievably & incredibly grateful for rooney. i have always seen her as my miracle, having had her after two miscarriages when fears of never having a baby filled my head. but now, having had a miscarriage post rooney too - there are no words that will ever adequately describe my love, gratitude, & joy that i receive from being her mom. i am grateful.

i also understand that my journey is not nearly as long as others. i first got pregnant almost three years ago. i know others have been in this battle for 10 plus years. i know that my three miscarriages might pale to others 5 or 6. i know that i haven't had to give myself shots or go through extensive treatments (at least not yet). the point is, we are all at different degrees. this is not a comparison. whether you've experienced a stillborn, multiple miscarriages, or one miscarriage (no matter how early) - we have all been there & we all know what it is like.

today, i am meeting with my doctor for the final procedure, an endometrial biopsy. we are hoping that this shows some hormonal imbalance in my uterus before my cycle starts because hormones are something we can fix. if everything comes back normal, i think he will have me meet with specialists? but maybe not? maybe i just want to keep trying to have a baby & pray that i will because anxiety for these procedures get to me. also, i can't really remember what he said would happen next - it's just been so long since we first met about options.

anyway, these procedures/test put me in a state. a state of ________. fill in the blank & i am probably feeling it. hope that it reveals something. anxiety - what if everything is normal? fear of whatever he is going to insert into my body to remove tissue (tmi?). loneliness. really, just all of those heart pounding emotions. my hands are shaking as i type.

you guys. this is my real talk. this stinks. this is hard. this is the worst & i could probably even say it sucks. so much of what i am going through can't be explained with words. it hurts - physically, emotionally, & mentally. & by "this", i don't just mean the procedures & tests. i mean all of it. the loss. the unknown. the pain. the fear.

i really just feel alone today. & i don't want to make anyone feel bad because i say that. it's not really anything anyone has or hasn't done. i have had many friends reach out to me, especially this morning, wishing me luck & sending love. i am so grateful for those texts. but, i can't explain why i feel lonely. i just do.

i begin feeling guilty about these feelings. mostly because i compare myself to the women who i know have it harder. & comparing is the worst idea. i feel guilty when i don't feel happy because it takes away from who i am. i feel like it cheats rooney out of having the mom she deserves. & guilt just messes with your head - especially when it is unwarranted guilt, which i know is what mine is.

so while i try to remain strong, keep a smile on, & try to encourage those around me - i still have moments/days when it's hard for me to keep moving. my faith is still strong. i continue to hope & pray for a change. i don't doubt that i am doing what i am supposed to. i don't want pity. i just want to let it all out & this is that.

Monday, August 8, 2016

at least

we all go through trials. that's part of life. as i have struggled through my miscarriages, i have learned and continue to learn so many important lessons.

my visiting teachers came over yesterday ( i love them! ) and we got to talking about how no one has it easy, we are all trying to overcome our own obstacles. many of those are trials people don't know just by looking at you. we need to be kind and make sure people know we care. & often we do that by talking to them. but here comes the tricky part -

when we talk to people about the hardships they are enduring, we often say things like:

- at least it happened while you were young
- at least the amputation was below the knee
- at least no kids were involved
- at least you can eat peanuts
- at least, at least, at least...

and funny thing is, we say most of those things with exclamation points at the end! like it somehow fixes everything!

my friend posted this amazing video on facebook last week. please go watch it now.

i love how brene brown says, "someone just shared something with us that's incredibly painful & we're trying to silver lining it." i do this all of the time & i shouldn't. these are the phrases i have heard that have really pushed me to see how much i dislike the phrase "at least".

"at least you know you can get pregnant" - so many people have said this to me. & yes! it's true. i agree. but at the same time - getting pregnant three time and having to go through that emotional and physical does that phrase help me at all!? i have miscarried more than i have actually carried a baby full term.

"at least you have rooney" - yes! you're right. i have the most wonderful, adorable, sweet, baby who has completely taken my heart, but that doesn't mean i don't ache because i am not giving her the  sibling, a best friend, someone to boss around that i know she would be so good with.

"at least" makes is seem like we are discrediting them struggling to get through a trial. ugh. it's the worst. we all go through hard things and while one person's trial might seem harder than someone else's - it does not matter! at that point, that is all they know and so they are struggling just as much!

what can we do so that we are more empathetic? what are your thoughts?

i keep thinking of an experience i had with a friend. something in my life hadn't gone the way i was planning (shocking right?) & i was really upset. he came over to talk to me and asked if i wanted him to give me advice or if i just wanted him to listen. listening is powerful. we so often look for a good response, when just listening can be enough. like brene brown said, "the truth is, rarely can a response make something better."

"what makes something better is a connection." sometimes we just need someone to be sad with us. to mourn with us. to let us cry on their shoulder. just be there.

& please remember, "rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with 'at least'."

also - i think i need to go to the library and read everything by brene brown!

Friday, August 5, 2016

the double stroller for my one baby family

we were at target about a week ago, when ashton & i came across an awesome city mini double stroller for probably the greatest price ever.

initially called my parents to see if maybe they wanted to go in on it, but then my heart took over and, selfishly, i thought that i wanted the stroller to be ours.

when my dad found out that i wanted to keep it, he gave me a hard time about it. then he said, you don't even have two kids.

i lost it.

i want two kids.

i should be nearly 21 weeks along.

i am doing everything i can to have another one (test, procedures, & more tests)

then i realized why i really bought that stroller. it is me showing that i have not given up. it is hope. i have faith that there are more babies waiting to be a part of my family, so i felt like buying the stroller was me showing that faith. it all seems so silly, but at the same time, not at all.

i have an attachment to our red double stroller. i look at it & i can see rooney being a big sister. i look at it & my uterus feels extra empty. i look at it & i remember how far i have come. i look at it & i have hope that there are more.

sunday thoughts

my lesson today for all the sweet beehives in my ward was on taking the name of Christ upon ourselves - a covenant we made at baptism and continue to renew every time we partake of the sacrament. 

how do we take upon us the name of Jesus Christ? 

President Henry B. Eyring said, “We promise to take His name upon us. That means we must see ourselves as His. We will put Him first in our lives. We will want what He wants rather than what we want or what the world teaches us to want” (“That We May Be One,” Ensign, May 1998, 67).

i LOVE that quote.
So I asked the girls 3 questions:

  1. What does it mean to see ourselves as Christ's?
  2. How do we put the Savior first in our lives?
  3. What does it mean to want what the Savior wants?

I think these our wonderful questions for us to ask ourselves on a regular basis. How important

rooney's anthro adventure

if you know me at all, you know that my heart belongs to anthropologie when it comes to anything fashion/style/beautiful. the smell alone is enough to make me happy.

since my birthday was last month, i got a present from anthro - 15% off! so my mom, rooney, & i took a little adventure to city creek. we walked in & within two minutes, this was rooney:

i like to imagine she loves anthro so much that she never wants to leave

while shopping, i found several things i was hoping to fall in love with. we were back in the fitting rooms, mom on the couch & roo & i trying things on. roo was singing & making all the sounds as she danced around the fitting room. mom & i were commenting on some missing buttons on a skirt i loved (super bummer) when it went silent. rooney?! mom started calling for her & ran through/out the store, imagining the worst. i couldn't figure out how she could've ran off without us hearing her - she was wearing her stompy shoes. so i start checking under the different rooms when i hear breathing - crazy, sneaky, baby girl was hiding behind the couch. she totally knew what she was doing & laughed when i found her.

cherry on top - i didn't find anything that i really loved :(

mom will not shop with us again unless rooney is in a stroller, on a leash, or i am wearing her. & i don't blame her.