at least

we all go through trials. that's part of life. as i have struggled through my miscarriages, i have learned and continue to learn so many important lessons.

my visiting teachers came over yesterday ( i love them! ) and we got to talking about how no one has it easy, we are all trying to overcome our own obstacles. many of those are trials people don't know just by looking at you. we need to be kind and make sure people know we care. & often we do that by talking to them. but here comes the tricky part -


when we talk to people about the hardships they are enduring, we often say things like:


- at least it happened while you were young
- at least the amputation was below the knee
- at least no kids were involved
- at least you can eat peanuts
- at least, at least, at least...


and funny thing is, we say most of those things with exclamation points at the end! like it somehow fixes everything!


my friend posted this amazing video on facebook last week. please go watch it now.


i love how brene brown says, "someone just shared something with us that's incredibly painful & we're trying to silver lining it." i do this all of the time & i shouldn't. these are the phrases i have heard that have really pushed me to see how much i dislike the phrase "at least".


"at least you know you can get pregnant" - so many people have said this to me. & yes! it's true. i agree. but at the same time - getting pregnant three time and having to go through that emotional and physical pain...how does that phrase help me at all!? i have miscarried more than i have actually carried a baby full term.


"at least you have rooney" - yes! you're right. i have the most wonderful, adorable, sweet, baby who has completely taken my heart, but that doesn't mean i don't ache because i am not giving her the  sibling, a best friend, someone to boss around that i know she would be so good with.


"at least" makes is seem like we are discrediting them struggling to get through a trial. ugh. it's the worst. we all go through hard things and while one person's trial might seem harder than someone else's - it does not matter! at that point, that is all they know and so they are struggling just as much!


what can we do so that we are more empathetic? what are your thoughts?


i keep thinking of an experience i had with a friend. something in my life hadn't gone the way i was planning (shocking right?) & i was really upset. he came over to talk to me and asked if i wanted him to give me advice or if i just wanted him to listen. listening is powerful. we so often look for a good response, when just listening can be enough. like brene brown said, "the truth is, rarely can a response make something better."


"what makes something better is a connection." sometimes we just need someone to be sad with us. to mourn with us. to let us cry on their shoulder. just be there.


& please remember, "rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with 'at least'."

also - i think i need to go to the library and read everything by brene brown!