merry christmas

we set up christmas before we even left for our thanksgiving trip (& by we, i mean ashton because he is the best husband ever),  that way we were ready to celebrate as soon as we got home. we had a full month of feeling the spirit of christmas, but it was still too short.

we did so much this month.

festival of trees to see ashtyn's tree. we love ashtyn & are so inspired by her fight <3 p="">

 our christmas tree

pictures with cousins

carol sing-a-long

ward christmas party. where we won best family themed costume.

here comes santa with the utah symphony at abravanel hall

lights at temple square followed with la luz de las naciones. rooney loved all the music & dancing. 

smith christmas dinner. grandkids & great grandkids with grandma.

cooking decorating (or eating in roo's case) 

santa came to visit. rooney has looked forward to santa all of december & saw him at both the sing-a-long & utah symphony concert. she was starstruck to see him up close. 

park lights

christmas eve! 

christmas eve with the smiths

christmas morning 

she loves her new kitchen! 

my babies.

polar express after presents & breakfast.

it was truly a winter wonderland. ps. ashton sang in church & did a wonderful job.

roo & that dress!

talking to elder thorkelson was the highlight of christmas 

day after christmas playing in the snow 

my post-christmas pregnant-lady miracle

you guys, christmas was beautiful. but before i tell you about our wonderful little christmas, i must tell you my story from tonight.


i am 19 weeks pregnant & just starting to get my appetite back. rarely having food cravings (mostly just beans ((more on that to come)) & chili's honey chipotle crispers so far...), but my food aversion towards pretty much everything has lessened big time. anyway, tonight i got a craving.


i wanted really good beans - like from the yummiest mexican restaurants, or rubios, but we don't have a rubio's nearby. i looked on yelp to see if i could find anything close. of course, there was costa vida or cafe rio & that got me thinking about a warm pork burrito...suddenly that & beans was just what i needed for dinner.


since we just spent $$$ on christmas, i didn't want to spend money on something silly like my bean/burrito craving. so i started looking for coupons. "download the app & get a free drink!" close, but i would still feel guilty spending money...


ashton asked if i had any cafe rio stamp cards. i quickly grabbed my wallet & found a card with six stamps on it. sooo close. i was heart broken. you guys, i really wanted this food! i dumped my wallet out & guess what i found!


another card with...


four stamps on it!!!!


we had it! i had 10 stamps! the hormones + my stomach + knowing i was going to eat what i wanted nearly brought tears to my eyes. i was ridiculously happy.


& I got my delicious pork burrito with a yummy side of black beans. i am a very happy 19 week pregnant mama with a very content stomach - though i have to say my burrito was seriously lacking in the pork area...oh well. i am still happy.

** if you have a delicious bean (black beans, refried beans, etc..) recipe, please send it my way. i need to make a large amount so that i don't have to go spending $ to satisfy this craving.

update

hello there. it has been a while. and life has been crazy, but absolutely wonderful too.


first of all.


when we were in with the fertility specialist, turns out i was pregnant. not very far along, but pregnant! and this baby has been sticky! i am nearly 19 weeks along. we find out gender next friday! it will make a wonderful way to ring in the new year.


next.


we moved. just about a half hour north into a basement apartment. our landlords happen to be some of my favorite people in the world. & ashton's parents. it's nice to be in our own space and we sure have spread out to fill this whole place. rooney spends most of her days running between rooms and leaving toys everywhere she goes.


then.


ashton to the ATSA (the air traffic control aptitude test) the monday before thanksgiving. we are waiting to hear his results and if he will be going to the academy in 2017. this has been one crazy journey and they keep making it longer - the FAA just extended the test to january 30th, which is a bit ridiculous because we were told everyone had to take it by december 15th. also, they released a study guide for the test around december 10th, well after most of the applicants took the test. i've got all the eyerolls about this, but ashton is patient and calm about all of it. because he's the greatest and everyone would be lucky to have him working in a tower or control center somewhere.


also.


i'm still working as a new teacher coach. this year has been different and eye opening. also exhausting as the beginning of this pregnancy had me wiped out/sick as a dog. still doing hoops&threads and loving all the custom orders i have been blessed to do recently. it has been a lot of fun and really pushed what i thought i was capable of. this will take you to the hoops i have made.


finally.


we are doing wonderfully & feeling completely blessed with where we are.

pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day

today is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day.

those of you who have been reading my blog know that this is something near & dear to my heart as i am one in four who has experienced such heartache. i have been prepping for today as i have made an embroidery that truly signifies how i hope to handle my losses. i will always miss my angel babies and i feel like my struggle with loss is not over. but, i do know i have so much to be grateful for - like my rooney, who brings me more joy than i can imagine, but also in a husband who is supportive, patient, loving, kind, & all things good. my goal is to find joy & fulfillment where i am - no matter where that might be. what i would like for you guys to do is to be aware, to be kind, & to never judge because you have no idea what someone is going through (pregnancy loss or not). let's be kind. let's remember our blessings. & let's fill the world with love.

if this is your first time coming to my blog for information on my journey & thoughts in my miscarriages, these links will take you to my posts specifically on that topic.

http://kukiluki.blogspot.com/search/label/pregnancy%20loss

https://kukiluki.blogspot.com/search/label/infertility

this is us

i am sure you have all seen the trailers for This is Us. it started last week and the second episode is on tonight. this afternoon, i had about an hour of alone time (yay for naps!) & decided it was the perfect time to watch what i knew would become my favorite show. i wanted to watch it alone because i knew i would sob.


& cry i did.


i can't watch (or hear) about the loss of a baby, scary delivery, or pregnancy in general anymore without getting emotional.


anyway. it's more than just the baby stuff. it is about learning to love yourself. learning to forgive others. working to be better. & family.  life is tough. way tougher than any of us are prepared for. yet the twist & turns have the ability to change us for the better, if we let them.


so. because i love good things (& milo ventimiglia) - watch this show.

meeting with the fertility specialist

the day finally came to meet with our specialist.


i was really anxious going into it. but, we met dr. hatasaka & everything was calm. he spent a good 45 minutes just talking with us, telling us about recurrent pregnancy loss, statistics, & overall, how we just don't know much when it comes to infertility.


technically, i've only had two viable miscarriages - my second miscarriage falls under a chemical loss. he said that with those statistics & the fact that i've got rooney, my chances of having a healthy pregnancy is at least 60% if not more. those are good odds. though, my current statistics (75% loss, 25% baby) aren't quite there.


he also gave me a few things to focus on when we try again.


the first thing he mention was how overworked my reproductive system is - which totally made sense, i just had never thought about it. i went of birth control, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant with rooney. one cycle when she was about 12 months old, got pregnant, miscarried. so he suggested giving my body a few cycles to recuperate.


the next thing he talked about was caffeine. there is a correlation - the more caffeine one consumes, the higher the chances of miscarriage. i love diet coke, but i don't drink it all that much, so i am not too worried about it.


he also asked how much i weighed when i got pregnant with rooney. apparently fat can make a big difference - even if it is just 10 pounds.


then he suggested one last blood test, but it is something we can't afford at this time.


so that's where we are right now. i am feeling better about everything, really calm, which is such a welcome change.

BADRAT day 6 & goodbyes

carlsbad

mornings at the homestead are delicious, beautiful, & relaxing. kathy always has some kind of treats - waffles, baked oatmeal, pear muffins! yummmm.

 rooney being cute.

we spent the afternoon at the beach i spent most of my teenage years going to. i even had a high school friend come meet us there - it was so much fun catching up!

ashton loves sharks. & luckily, the hofers had real boogie boards for us to borrow. 

 morgan! she has been a friend of mine since 6th grade!? crazy.

 amber & i got to spend some time in the water!

After the beach, we watched the BYUvUofU game (sad loss for the cougars) & ate delicious woodfire pizza under twinkling stars.

after driving the day's back to lax & saying our goodbyes, we made the long trek back to utah. it's been just over two weeks & we miss the days like crazy. i can't wait for our next adventure!


we stopped at farm basket in vegas - it was robi's favorite place plus it's really good. rooney enjoyed it! & i loved feeling like ashton & roo got a little glimpse of robi.

BADRAT day 5

DISNEYLAND

after a refreshing day at the beach, we were ready to walk our feet off, stuff our bellies with churros, and ride everything! poor dalton woke up with a runny nose, but he was a total champ.

 waiting in line for peter pan. of course, it broke down minutes before we got on. it's always worth the wait though.

all she ever wants to do is ride the "neigh"

i kept trying to get them to look up. lucky for me, the monorail honked just then! 

 churros & the sweet disney shirt brant made for the littles.

 splash mountain with my hunk

 rooney was really sad when she wasn't able to see winnie the pooh (the only character she wasn't scared of & of course we just missed the line). so she found a toy to carry around with her & that's exactly what she did. she loves her pooh bear.

i wish we could make this get together & adventure a regular thing!