the tati after miscarriages was bitter, sad, & heartbroken. i couldn't be around anyone who was expecting without feeling that twinge of jealousy. being that way was hard & i hated those feeling. i knew they weren't good, but i couldn't help it. even after my successful pregnancies, i continued to almost roll my eyes when another mom so easily got pregnant. i would instantly count how many months apart their babies would be - like that would tell me if they struggled or not & worthy of my happiness. i am now rolling my eyes at myself. ugh.
but this loss, while harder physically than even my c-sections, has been a completely different experience. i am sad, but not heartbroken. i mean, really, 25% of women experience a miscarriage - i have had 3. only 1 to 2% of pregnancies are ectopic & even less lose a fallopian tube due to rupture. when i look at those stats, i do wonder why me & every time i get ready to be mad at Heavenly Father for putting me through another loss, i am overwhelmed by the love He has shown me through this entire ordeal.
- my parents. they made plans in february to come see us for gus's first birthday. in february, they bought plane tickets to get in to fort smith on the 15th. i even told them they could fly into okc or tulsa & we would come get them, but no, they flew to fort smith. & what a blessing! i went to the ER on the morning of the 15th. they got to my house just a few hours after my surgery. if they hadn't been here that first week post-op, i probably would have needed ashton to stay home from work. plus, who doesn't need their mom when life is hard?
- dinners. i am so grateful to my wonderful ministering sisters & a relief society president who is so quick to serve.
- flowers. never underestimate the power of flowers. they can bring so much joy & no one can ever have enough. it might be a simple gesture, but it's telling someone that you are thinking of them & that means the word.
- wonderful grandma fry passed away on May 23rd & she is so missed. when my mother in law told us, she said, "i can't help but think she is with your babies right now, getting to know them." those words resonated in my heart. i felt not only grandma fry there, but my grandma thorkelson too. they are surrounded by family & i will have eternity to raise them.
- the biggest tender mercy (tied with my parents being here, of course) was the disappearance of jealousy. i even helped throw a baby shower a week later & did it happily! i have had a few friends call to tell me they are expecting and i experienced true happiness for them. i even told a friend that finally my loss doesn't outweigh someone else's joy.
as far as my baby though, i am still numb. i knew for nearly 2 weeks that i was pregnant before i went to the ER. i had plenty of time to dream and plan for my January 9th baby. we had names picked. we had already discussed the need for a minivan. & while i was hesitant like i always am early in pregnancy, i felt good, peaceful, & secure in this new pregnancy.
but, here i am...empty.
empty, but not mourning. i haven't had a real good cry & i keep going back & forth on how i feel about that. with every miscarriage, i have cried for a good week. i miss baby, but i feel ok. maybe i am used to the loss part? part of me worries that it means i didn't have a relationship with this little one & that terrifies me. but as i sit here, writing these words, i know that isn't true. sweet baby is there, with my other babies gone too soon & the sweet angels waiting to come to us. i am so proud that i was chosen to help their sweet little spirits gain bodies. it is such a tender mercy to have this knowledge & a testimony in the eternal bonds of family.
my army in heaven continues to grow.
Showing posts with label pregnancy loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy loss. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 24, 2018
my ectopic experience
the evening before Mother's Day, May 12, 2018, i saw a bright red streak & defeatedly told Ashton that we were losing our baby. i kept waiting for the cramping to start, the clots to pass - i know how a miscarriage is supposed to go. but the bleeding stayed light & inconsistent & the cramping never came.
that night, i woke up to a pain in my lower left abdomen. there was still a little bit of bright bleeding, but the pain was sharp & direct. i felt pressure & bloated. i reached out to mel (thanks girl for being awake at 2:00am!) we discussed the pain & she mentioned that it could be ectopic. i had recently read women describing their ectopic pregnancies on a facebook group & my pain didn’t match what they described. I eventually was able to fall back asleep & woke up the next morning feeling well enough to go to church.
no bleeding of cramping the rest of sunday & monday.
i called multiple OB's & clinics. no one would see me since i wasn't an established patient. it was unbelievably frustrating, to say the least. i knew i was pregnant, knew i wasn't miscarrying, but i also knew that something wasn't right. everyone told me to go to the ER, but i was feeling ok & not up for forking over $150. i even called the nurses line for my OB in Utah & explained my symptoms. she took my information to my doctor & called me back to tell me that he wanted to get me in for hcg blood draws & an ultrasound at the appropriate time. it was then that i had to sheepishly tell her that we had moved, i couldn't get an OB to seem me, but i wanted to get an opinion before going to the ER. i even cried as i told her how much i missed them - i will blame pregnancy hormones.
at 5:30 am on tuesday morning (May 15th), a loud roar of thunder woke me up. i realized that pain was back. i sat up. went to the bathroom. walked around. the pain stayed. i said a prayer asking for the pain to be strong enough for me to go to the ER if i needed to.
the pain quickly got stronger. i couldn't sit up. i had to stay standing. my stomach was unbelievably swollen. i got ashton up to give me a blessing. i pumped while i was standing (couldn't leave gus without milk/i didn't want to be leaking at the hospital).
then, i drove myself to the hospital. big bolts of lightning flew across the sky as a pink sunrise began to appear. it was awe inspiring & my heart was calm.
i got to the hospital around 6:10. the nurses seemed skeptical when they checked me in.
the looks i got from that last answer!
they got me to a room. drew some blood. got a urine sample. i waited. the pain started to fade & i was worried that i had come for no reason. a kind doctor came in & talked with me. he felt my abdomen & the pain on my left side was wince worthy.
around 7:50, there was an ultrasound. she couldn't see much so she asked me to empty my bladder & did the longest transvaginal ultrasound ever. i could tell that she concentrated on my left side & it wasn't my favorite.
more waiting & around 8:30, the kind doctor was back. he explained that my hcg levels were at 4000. an embryo can typically be spotted between 1000 & 1200, but nothing was in my uterus, but there was a 5 cm mass just outside of my left ovary. an OB (ironically enough, one that i called just the day before) would come to talk to me about the next step. it was most likely an ectopic pregnancy, but they couldn't say for sure.
shortly after, the doctor came back & said that the OB was stuck in a surgery, but would like me to go to pre-pop where he would meet me & explain what was happening. all the doctor would tell me was that i would be having a procedure.
around 8:50 both my ER & pre-op nurses came in & i was not at all ready to go for surgery. they were rushing me for an IV & getting me in a gown. they were also surprised that i was alone & said i should get ashton there ASAP. since ashton wasn't there to take my belongings, security had to be called to hold onto it for me. my angel husband got the kids dressed, ready & to pre-op within half an hour!
more waiting, but now in pre-op. nurses kept talking about this procedure, but no one could tell me what it was.
the OB made it in & pulled up pictures of my ultrasound. fallopian tubes are about the width of a pencil & the embryo in my left tube was 7cm. he said it was definitely ectopic & that they would go in laparoscopically via three incisions - one in my belly button & two lower, along my c-section incision. they were hopeful to make two cuts into my tube & pull the embryo out, but if my tube had ruptured, it would also need to be removed.
ashton & i were told that the surgery would be finished in about 30-45 minutes. shorter if all went well, longer if the tube had ruptured. ashton took the kids to the waiting room.
minutes later, the OB came back & said, "you're a pretty tough person huh?" i was a little confused & said something along the lines of, "ya, i think so." thinking he was referring to my history with pregnancy loss & how well i was holding it all together. he then told me that i had about 300 cc's of blood in my stomach. my tube had definitely ruptured & would need to be removed. he was shocked that i wasn't in more pain.
the anesthesiologist came out & within 5 minutes, things were out of focus. i barely remember moving onto the operating table - something about a pink cushion that my bum had to be below?? then i was waking up with this faint memory of pushing nurses off of me & struggling to breathe. apparently, i asked my nurse all the same questions over & over (she was obviously annoyed) & i was insanely thirsty.
my nurse helped me use the restroom & then i was being wheeled to the car. talking to ashton now - that whole surgery/recovery took about two hours.
my ectopic experience was not at all like those of the women who have shared on various LDS mom facebook groups that i belong to. many of them described unbearable pain - like throwing up from pain. an ulstrasound tech said that she can tell just by looking at a patient that it's ectopic because they are sickly pale with dark circles around their eyes. i don't think anyone would have been able to look at me & tell that something was wrong.
----------------------------------------------------------
it's been just over two month since everything happened & since i wrote most of this post. there is still some of that numb feeling.
when i went into my follow up appointment, my OB kept saying things like "if you had taken a step too hard, things could have changed drastically in seconds" or "it was a good thing you got to the hospital when you did because you were a time bomb just seconds from going off". i still can't believe that i had gotten to that point. like i said earlier, i just didn't feel like things were that bad.
life has kept going. it has kept me busy. being down a fallopian tube hasn't changed much, at least not yet. i might say differently when it comes time for us to try getting pregnant. & then again - how much of it will be because i do miscarry often vs. only having one fallopian tube? my OB doesn't think having one tube will make much of a difference. he also told me he has a feeling he will see me again in a few months because of a positive test, so let's hope that comes true!
one last thing. this will probably be the hardest part about having had an ectopic pregnancy. as soon as i get that positive pregnancy test, i have to come in and begin blood work & early ultrasounds. this is because once you have had an ectopic, you are more likely to have another. well, because of my miscarriages, i have tried to put off having an appointment until 10 weeks. in my experience, when i go in at 8 weeks & we look at the ultrasound, doctors always say something along the lines of "you must not be as far along as you thought because there is no fetus yet, just a sac." but that is what happens with blighted ovums & within a few weeks, i am miscarrying. so...yay for doctors being proactive, but boo for knowing i am going to miscarry around 6 weeks & having to go 4 more weeks anticipating it happening. hopefully, this isn't the case. hopefully, i go in at 6 weeks and hcg tests double as they should & everything goes smoothly. hopefully.
that night, i woke up to a pain in my lower left abdomen. there was still a little bit of bright bleeding, but the pain was sharp & direct. i felt pressure & bloated. i reached out to mel (thanks girl for being awake at 2:00am!) we discussed the pain & she mentioned that it could be ectopic. i had recently read women describing their ectopic pregnancies on a facebook group & my pain didn’t match what they described. I eventually was able to fall back asleep & woke up the next morning feeling well enough to go to church.
no bleeding of cramping the rest of sunday & monday.
i called multiple OB's & clinics. no one would see me since i wasn't an established patient. it was unbelievably frustrating, to say the least. i knew i was pregnant, knew i wasn't miscarrying, but i also knew that something wasn't right. everyone told me to go to the ER, but i was feeling ok & not up for forking over $150. i even called the nurses line for my OB in Utah & explained my symptoms. she took my information to my doctor & called me back to tell me that he wanted to get me in for hcg blood draws & an ultrasound at the appropriate time. it was then that i had to sheepishly tell her that we had moved, i couldn't get an OB to seem me, but i wanted to get an opinion before going to the ER. i even cried as i told her how much i missed them - i will blame pregnancy hormones.
at 5:30 am on tuesday morning (May 15th), a loud roar of thunder woke me up. i realized that pain was back. i sat up. went to the bathroom. walked around. the pain stayed. i said a prayer asking for the pain to be strong enough for me to go to the ER if i needed to.
the pain quickly got stronger. i couldn't sit up. i had to stay standing. my stomach was unbelievably swollen. i got ashton up to give me a blessing. i pumped while i was standing (couldn't leave gus without milk/i didn't want to be leaking at the hospital).
then, i drove myself to the hospital. big bolts of lightning flew across the sky as a pink sunrise began to appear. it was awe inspiring & my heart was calm.
i got to the hospital around 6:10. the nurses seemed skeptical when they checked me in.
"why do you think you're miscarrying?"
"um. actually, i am not so sure that i am. i just know that something is wrong. i have miscarried before, but this time it's different."
"when was your last period?"
"August of 2016. i am still nursing my son."
the looks i got from that last answer!
"are you sure you're pregnant?"
"yes. i took a test 10 days ago."
they got me to a room. drew some blood. got a urine sample. i waited. the pain started to fade & i was worried that i had come for no reason. a kind doctor came in & talked with me. he felt my abdomen & the pain on my left side was wince worthy.
around 7:50, there was an ultrasound. she couldn't see much so she asked me to empty my bladder & did the longest transvaginal ultrasound ever. i could tell that she concentrated on my left side & it wasn't my favorite.
more waiting & around 8:30, the kind doctor was back. he explained that my hcg levels were at 4000. an embryo can typically be spotted between 1000 & 1200, but nothing was in my uterus, but there was a 5 cm mass just outside of my left ovary. an OB (ironically enough, one that i called just the day before) would come to talk to me about the next step. it was most likely an ectopic pregnancy, but they couldn't say for sure.
shortly after, the doctor came back & said that the OB was stuck in a surgery, but would like me to go to pre-pop where he would meet me & explain what was happening. all the doctor would tell me was that i would be having a procedure.
around 8:50 both my ER & pre-op nurses came in & i was not at all ready to go for surgery. they were rushing me for an IV & getting me in a gown. they were also surprised that i was alone & said i should get ashton there ASAP. since ashton wasn't there to take my belongings, security had to be called to hold onto it for me. my angel husband got the kids dressed, ready & to pre-op within half an hour!
more waiting, but now in pre-op. nurses kept talking about this procedure, but no one could tell me what it was.
the OB made it in & pulled up pictures of my ultrasound. fallopian tubes are about the width of a pencil & the embryo in my left tube was 7cm. he said it was definitely ectopic & that they would go in laparoscopically via three incisions - one in my belly button & two lower, along my c-section incision. they were hopeful to make two cuts into my tube & pull the embryo out, but if my tube had ruptured, it would also need to be removed.
ashton & i were told that the surgery would be finished in about 30-45 minutes. shorter if all went well, longer if the tube had ruptured. ashton took the kids to the waiting room.
minutes later, the OB came back & said, "you're a pretty tough person huh?" i was a little confused & said something along the lines of, "ya, i think so." thinking he was referring to my history with pregnancy loss & how well i was holding it all together. he then told me that i had about 300 cc's of blood in my stomach. my tube had definitely ruptured & would need to be removed. he was shocked that i wasn't in more pain.
the anesthesiologist came out & within 5 minutes, things were out of focus. i barely remember moving onto the operating table - something about a pink cushion that my bum had to be below?? then i was waking up with this faint memory of pushing nurses off of me & struggling to breathe. apparently, i asked my nurse all the same questions over & over (she was obviously annoyed) & i was insanely thirsty.
my nurse helped me use the restroom & then i was being wheeled to the car. talking to ashton now - that whole surgery/recovery took about two hours.
my ectopic experience was not at all like those of the women who have shared on various LDS mom facebook groups that i belong to. many of them described unbearable pain - like throwing up from pain. an ulstrasound tech said that she can tell just by looking at a patient that it's ectopic because they are sickly pale with dark circles around their eyes. i don't think anyone would have been able to look at me & tell that something was wrong.
----------------------------------------------------------
it's been just over two month since everything happened & since i wrote most of this post. there is still some of that numb feeling.
when i went into my follow up appointment, my OB kept saying things like "if you had taken a step too hard, things could have changed drastically in seconds" or "it was a good thing you got to the hospital when you did because you were a time bomb just seconds from going off". i still can't believe that i had gotten to that point. like i said earlier, i just didn't feel like things were that bad.
life has kept going. it has kept me busy. being down a fallopian tube hasn't changed much, at least not yet. i might say differently when it comes time for us to try getting pregnant. & then again - how much of it will be because i do miscarry often vs. only having one fallopian tube? my OB doesn't think having one tube will make much of a difference. he also told me he has a feeling he will see me again in a few months because of a positive test, so let's hope that comes true!
one last thing. this will probably be the hardest part about having had an ectopic pregnancy. as soon as i get that positive pregnancy test, i have to come in and begin blood work & early ultrasounds. this is because once you have had an ectopic, you are more likely to have another. well, because of my miscarriages, i have tried to put off having an appointment until 10 weeks. in my experience, when i go in at 8 weeks & we look at the ultrasound, doctors always say something along the lines of "you must not be as far along as you thought because there is no fetus yet, just a sac." but that is what happens with blighted ovums & within a few weeks, i am miscarrying. so...yay for doctors being proactive, but boo for knowing i am going to miscarry around 6 weeks & having to go 4 more weeks anticipating it happening. hopefully, this isn't the case. hopefully, i go in at 6 weeks and hcg tests double as they should & everything goes smoothly. hopefully.
Saturday, February 18, 2017
rotten eggs
struggling to stay pregnant has opened up doors for me, forever connected me to people who were just acquaintances, & strengthened my relationships with already forever friends. it hasn't been my favorite journey, but if it allows me to feel & show empathy towards others or even help someone along their journey, it helps me through my grieving process. it is my silver lining through this trial.
i was chatting with a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. she is one of my sister's best childhood friends & so she has always seemed like a little sister to me. it breaks my heart that she is going through this. infertility is an ugly, unfair thing.
anyway, she recently saw a specialist & is getting ready to do the tests that i had done this summer. we were discussing them & praying that they give her answers. i told her that none of my tests revealed anything, but it is probably because i just have rotten eggs.
so, ever since then, my rotten eggs have been on my mind. & it caused me to think back on an episode of new girl from season 2. in it, jess & cece visit their friend who also is an obgyn. she tells them something along the lines of everyone's quality of eggs is different. jess & cece get the blood test to find out how their eggs are.
as i watched this episode back in 2012, i had no reason to think the quality of my eggs would be anything less than perfect. in fact, when cece found out her eggs weren't so great & her years of fertility were limited, i didn't feel much because it was just a tv show. of course, now, that episode pulls at my heart.
i know that both rooney & baby brother are miracles, my sweet rainbow babies. i am 2 for 5 so far & i know i am no doctor, but 60% of my eggs seem to be not so quality. there isn't much doctors can do to help with it - no hormones to give me that will magically make them better. it breaks my heart, knowing that i will probably struggle with miscarriages the entire time we try to have children.
so, while i may be pregnant right now, my heart is never far from those who struggle. i think of & pray for these women often. i know i will be there again in years to come. i find strength in the mamas i have talked to who have had multiple losses between children - yet have still created good sized, strong, beautiful families.
& that is my little rant on my lame eggs (which, obviously, make my sticky, quality ones so absolutely amazing) & the struggles of family making.
i was chatting with a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. she is one of my sister's best childhood friends & so she has always seemed like a little sister to me. it breaks my heart that she is going through this. infertility is an ugly, unfair thing.
anyway, she recently saw a specialist & is getting ready to do the tests that i had done this summer. we were discussing them & praying that they give her answers. i told her that none of my tests revealed anything, but it is probably because i just have rotten eggs.
so, ever since then, my rotten eggs have been on my mind. & it caused me to think back on an episode of new girl from season 2. in it, jess & cece visit their friend who also is an obgyn. she tells them something along the lines of everyone's quality of eggs is different. jess & cece get the blood test to find out how their eggs are.
as i watched this episode back in 2012, i had no reason to think the quality of my eggs would be anything less than perfect. in fact, when cece found out her eggs weren't so great & her years of fertility were limited, i didn't feel much because it was just a tv show. of course, now, that episode pulls at my heart.
i know that both rooney & baby brother are miracles, my sweet rainbow babies. i am 2 for 5 so far & i know i am no doctor, but 60% of my eggs seem to be not so quality. there isn't much doctors can do to help with it - no hormones to give me that will magically make them better. it breaks my heart, knowing that i will probably struggle with miscarriages the entire time we try to have children.
so, while i may be pregnant right now, my heart is never far from those who struggle. i think of & pray for these women often. i know i will be there again in years to come. i find strength in the mamas i have talked to who have had multiple losses between children - yet have still created good sized, strong, beautiful families.
& that is my little rant on my lame eggs (which, obviously, make my sticky, quality ones so absolutely amazing) & the struggles of family making.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day
today is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day.
those of you who have been reading my blog know that this is something near & dear to my heart as i am one in four who has experienced such heartache. i have been prepping for today as i have made an embroidery that truly signifies how i hope to handle my losses. i will always miss my angel babies and i feel like my struggle with loss is not over. but, i do know i have so much to be grateful for - like my rooney, who brings me more joy than i can imagine, but also in a husband who is supportive, patient, loving, kind, & all things good. my goal is to find joy & fulfillment where i am - no matter where that might be. what i would like for you guys to do is to be aware, to be kind, & to never judge because you have no idea what someone is going through (pregnancy loss or not). let's be kind. let's remember our blessings. & let's fill the world with love.
if this is your first time coming to my blog for information on my journey & thoughts in my miscarriages, these links will take you to my posts specifically on that topic.
Tuesday, September 27, 2016
this is us
i am sure you have all seen the trailers for This is Us. it started last week and the second episode is on tonight. this afternoon, i had about an hour of alone time (yay for naps!) & decided it was the perfect time to watch what i knew would become my favorite show. i wanted to watch it alone because i knew i would sob.
& cry i did.
i can't watch (or hear) about the loss of a baby, scary delivery, or pregnancy in general anymore without getting emotional.
anyway. it's more than just the baby stuff. it is about learning to love yourself. learning to forgive others. working to be better. & family. life is tough. way tougher than any of us are prepared for. yet the twist & turns have the ability to change us for the better, if we let them.
so. because i love good things (& milo ventimiglia) - watch this show.
& cry i did.
i can't watch (or hear) about the loss of a baby, scary delivery, or pregnancy in general anymore without getting emotional.
anyway. it's more than just the baby stuff. it is about learning to love yourself. learning to forgive others. working to be better. & family. life is tough. way tougher than any of us are prepared for. yet the twist & turns have the ability to change us for the better, if we let them.
so. because i love good things (& milo ventimiglia) - watch this show.
Monday, September 26, 2016
meeting with the fertility specialist
the day finally came to meet with our specialist.
i was really anxious going into it. but, we met dr. hatasaka & everything was calm. he spent a good 45 minutes just talking with us, telling us about recurrent pregnancy loss, statistics, & overall, how we just don't know much when it comes to infertility.
technically, i've only had two viable miscarriages - my second miscarriage falls under a chemical loss. he said that with those statistics & the fact that i've got rooney, my chances of having a healthy pregnancy is at least 60% if not more. those are good odds. though, my current statistics (75% loss, 25% baby) aren't quite there.
he also gave me a few things to focus on when we try again.
the first thing he mention was how overworked my reproductive system is - which totally made sense, i just had never thought about it. i went of birth control, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant with rooney. one cycle when she was about 12 months old, got pregnant, miscarried. so he suggested giving my body a few cycles to recuperate.
the next thing he talked about was caffeine. there is a correlation - the more caffeine one consumes, the higher the chances of miscarriage. i love diet coke, but i don't drink it all that much, so i am not too worried about it.
he also asked how much i weighed when i got pregnant with rooney. apparently fat can make a big difference - even if it is just 10 pounds.
then he suggested one last blood test, but it is something we can't afford at this time.
so that's where we are right now. i am feeling better about everything, really calm, which is such a welcome change.
i was really anxious going into it. but, we met dr. hatasaka & everything was calm. he spent a good 45 minutes just talking with us, telling us about recurrent pregnancy loss, statistics, & overall, how we just don't know much when it comes to infertility.
technically, i've only had two viable miscarriages - my second miscarriage falls under a chemical loss. he said that with those statistics & the fact that i've got rooney, my chances of having a healthy pregnancy is at least 60% if not more. those are good odds. though, my current statistics (75% loss, 25% baby) aren't quite there.
he also gave me a few things to focus on when we try again.
the first thing he mention was how overworked my reproductive system is - which totally made sense, i just had never thought about it. i went of birth control, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant with rooney. one cycle when she was about 12 months old, got pregnant, miscarried. so he suggested giving my body a few cycles to recuperate.
the next thing he talked about was caffeine. there is a correlation - the more caffeine one consumes, the higher the chances of miscarriage. i love diet coke, but i don't drink it all that much, so i am not too worried about it.
he also asked how much i weighed when i got pregnant with rooney. apparently fat can make a big difference - even if it is just 10 pounds.
then he suggested one last blood test, but it is something we can't afford at this time.
so that's where we are right now. i am feeling better about everything, really calm, which is such a welcome change.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
is this real life?
i called the specialist yesterday, set up an appointment, & went on my way.
then, i was driving home from mutual & it hit me. this has become my life.
i remember after my second miscarriage, i called my doctor's office to schedule some tests that she had suggested. when i spoke to the nurse she said something along the lines of infertility tests. i didn't know how to respond. "no" was my first thought. fertility isn't my issue. i was going to be the mom with 5 happy kids, all spaced a wonderful two years apart. this was just a hiccup that we were going to fix.
i have thought about that moment a lot. how naive i was - thinking i was invincible & that my life was going to turn out exactly how i had it planned. ha.
so, the next journey for us includes praying to carry a baby full term & hoping ashton gets his dream job in air traffic control.
more on ashton & atc. they opened up the bid (finally) & he made it through to the next round. now we just wait to find out when and where he needs to take the aptitude test.
this whole journey to air traffic control has been unreal (read: ridiculous, unfair, a joke...). talking about it boils my blood, which is why i usually let ashton tell people about how lame it is.
anyways, we have been feeling really good about this round & have been saying lots of prayers that ashton's dream job finally becomes a reality!
then, i was driving home from mutual & it hit me. this has become my life.
i remember after my second miscarriage, i called my doctor's office to schedule some tests that she had suggested. when i spoke to the nurse she said something along the lines of infertility tests. i didn't know how to respond. "no" was my first thought. fertility isn't my issue. i was going to be the mom with 5 happy kids, all spaced a wonderful two years apart. this was just a hiccup that we were going to fix.
i have thought about that moment a lot. how naive i was - thinking i was invincible & that my life was going to turn out exactly how i had it planned. ha.
so, the next journey for us includes praying to carry a baby full term & hoping ashton gets his dream job in air traffic control.
more on ashton & atc. they opened up the bid (finally) & he made it through to the next round. now we just wait to find out when and where he needs to take the aptitude test.
this whole journey to air traffic control has been unreal (read: ridiculous, unfair, a joke...). talking about it boils my blood, which is why i usually let ashton tell people about how lame it is.
anyways, we have been feeling really good about this round & have been saying lots of prayers that ashton's dream job finally becomes a reality!
Monday, August 22, 2016
edometrial biopsy
last tuesday, i had my biopsy. today, i got the results back.
the results aren't what i wanted... everything is normal - no hormonal imbalance. i called my mom pretty bummed & she was confused. isn't it good that you're normal? but, i am trying to find the good in this because not normal things are happening to me, who, according to all tests, is normal. i have to say though, that i did sort of expect this to be the case. it would have just been too easy if progesterone was the fix.
the next step is to see a specialist. i have been playing with whether or not it was worth it. even according to their website, they only can diagnose why miscarriages happen 50% of the time - exactly what my ob told me. so, is it worth it? because waiting for test results just means waiting even longer before getting pregnant again. waiting is the worst part.
but, i talked with a nurse who is quickly becoming my favorite. she was the one who took care of me when i went in for my biopsy. as i got emotional, she told me she had been here before & that she had to see fertility specialists. she gave me the name of the doctor she had seen & told me that she had really liked him. then today, while we were going over the results, i asked her if it was worth it to see a specialist. she told me it was, that they can help us come up with the next steps.
so, regardless of what they can or can't tell us, i think that is the direction we will be heading.
last night, i was trying to fall asleep as my mind was going non stop. i had connected with an acquaintance who was struggling through her own journey of losses & fertility - she said so many things that resounded in me, things that i needed to hear. then my heart was going out to a friend who is unsure of her current pregnancy. & another who was fearful that her ivf didn't take (found out today that her fear came true). easy to see why my brain wouldn't shut off.
suddenly, i realized i was singing a song in my head. i fell asleep as i sang the third verse to "How Firm A Foundation" over & over. i encourage you to listen to the song as it has brought me so much comfort today as i have continued to ponder the things happening in my life & in the lives of those around me. i will leave those words with you & hope you can feel the same comfort from them as i have today.
my cheerleaders who waited so quietly for me to be finished. i am so very blessed to have them.
the results aren't what i wanted... everything is normal - no hormonal imbalance. i called my mom pretty bummed & she was confused. isn't it good that you're normal? but, i am trying to find the good in this because not normal things are happening to me, who, according to all tests, is normal. i have to say though, that i did sort of expect this to be the case. it would have just been too easy if progesterone was the fix.
the next step is to see a specialist. i have been playing with whether or not it was worth it. even according to their website, they only can diagnose why miscarriages happen 50% of the time - exactly what my ob told me. so, is it worth it? because waiting for test results just means waiting even longer before getting pregnant again. waiting is the worst part.
but, i talked with a nurse who is quickly becoming my favorite. she was the one who took care of me when i went in for my biopsy. as i got emotional, she told me she had been here before & that she had to see fertility specialists. she gave me the name of the doctor she had seen & told me that she had really liked him. then today, while we were going over the results, i asked her if it was worth it to see a specialist. she told me it was, that they can help us come up with the next steps.
so, regardless of what they can or can't tell us, i think that is the direction we will be heading.
last night, i was trying to fall asleep as my mind was going non stop. i had connected with an acquaintance who was struggling through her own journey of losses & fertility - she said so many things that resounded in me, things that i needed to hear. then my heart was going out to a friend who is unsure of her current pregnancy. & another who was fearful that her ivf didn't take (found out today that her fear came true). easy to see why my brain wouldn't shut off.
suddenly, i realized i was singing a song in my head. i fell asleep as i sang the third verse to "How Firm A Foundation" over & over. i encourage you to listen to the song as it has brought me so much comfort today as i have continued to ponder the things happening in my life & in the lives of those around me. i will leave those words with you & hope you can feel the same comfort from them as i have today.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
real talk
ok. i just need a second to be real. i feel like most of my posts are positive, even when talking about my miscarriages. but this one is just the honesty of the struggle. the physical struggle. the emotional struggle. the mental struggle.
before i even begin, i feel like i need to clarify a few things. i never want this to come off as ungrateful. i am beyond grateful & i think that is why allowing myself to feel these emotions is so hard. i haven't yet had to go to an actual fertility specialist, so far i am just working with my obgyn. i am also unbelievably & incredibly grateful for rooney. i have always seen her as my miracle, having had her after two miscarriages when fears of never having a baby filled my head. but now, having had a miscarriage post rooney too - there are no words that will ever adequately describe my love, gratitude, & joy that i receive from being her mom. i am grateful.
i also understand that my journey is not nearly as long as others. i first got pregnant almost three years ago. i know others have been in this battle for 10 plus years. i know that my three miscarriages might pale to others 5 or 6. i know that i haven't had to give myself shots or go through extensive treatments (at least not yet). the point is, we are all at different degrees. this is not a comparison. whether you've experienced a stillborn, multiple miscarriages, or one miscarriage (no matter how early) - we have all been there & we all know what it is like.
today, i am meeting with my doctor for the final procedure, an endometrial biopsy. we are hoping that this shows some hormonal imbalance in my uterus before my cycle starts because hormones are something we can fix. if everything comes back normal, i think he will have me meet with specialists? but maybe not? maybe i just want to keep trying to have a baby & pray that i will because anxiety for these procedures get to me. also, i can't really remember what he said would happen next - it's just been so long since we first met about options.
anyway, these procedures/test put me in a state. a state of ________. fill in the blank & i am probably feeling it. hope that it reveals something. anxiety - what if everything is normal? fear of whatever he is going to insert into my body to remove tissue (tmi?). loneliness. really, just all of those heart pounding emotions. my hands are shaking as i type.
you guys. this is my real talk. this stinks. this is hard. this is the worst & i could probably even say it sucks. so much of what i am going through can't be explained with words. it hurts - physically, emotionally, & mentally. & by "this", i don't just mean the procedures & tests. i mean all of it. the loss. the unknown. the pain. the fear.
i really just feel alone today. & i don't want to make anyone feel bad because i say that. it's not really anything anyone has or hasn't done. i have had many friends reach out to me, especially this morning, wishing me luck & sending love. i am so grateful for those texts. but, i can't explain why i feel lonely. i just do.
i begin feeling guilty about these feelings. mostly because i compare myself to the women who i know have it harder. & comparing is the worst idea. i feel guilty when i don't feel happy because it takes away from who i am. i feel like it cheats rooney out of having the mom she deserves. & guilt just messes with your head - especially when it is unwarranted guilt, which i know is what mine is.
so while i try to remain strong, keep a smile on, & try to encourage those around me - i still have moments/days when it's hard for me to keep moving. my faith is still strong. i continue to hope & pray for a change. i don't doubt that i am doing what i am supposed to. i don't want pity. i just want to let it all out & this is that.
before i even begin, i feel like i need to clarify a few things. i never want this to come off as ungrateful. i am beyond grateful & i think that is why allowing myself to feel these emotions is so hard. i haven't yet had to go to an actual fertility specialist, so far i am just working with my obgyn. i am also unbelievably & incredibly grateful for rooney. i have always seen her as my miracle, having had her after two miscarriages when fears of never having a baby filled my head. but now, having had a miscarriage post rooney too - there are no words that will ever adequately describe my love, gratitude, & joy that i receive from being her mom. i am grateful.
i also understand that my journey is not nearly as long as others. i first got pregnant almost three years ago. i know others have been in this battle for 10 plus years. i know that my three miscarriages might pale to others 5 or 6. i know that i haven't had to give myself shots or go through extensive treatments (at least not yet). the point is, we are all at different degrees. this is not a comparison. whether you've experienced a stillborn, multiple miscarriages, or one miscarriage (no matter how early) - we have all been there & we all know what it is like.
today, i am meeting with my doctor for the final procedure, an endometrial biopsy. we are hoping that this shows some hormonal imbalance in my uterus before my cycle starts because hormones are something we can fix. if everything comes back normal, i think he will have me meet with specialists? but maybe not? maybe i just want to keep trying to have a baby & pray that i will because anxiety for these procedures get to me. also, i can't really remember what he said would happen next - it's just been so long since we first met about options.
anyway, these procedures/test put me in a state. a state of ________. fill in the blank & i am probably feeling it. hope that it reveals something. anxiety - what if everything is normal? fear of whatever he is going to insert into my body to remove tissue (tmi?). loneliness. really, just all of those heart pounding emotions. my hands are shaking as i type.
you guys. this is my real talk. this stinks. this is hard. this is the worst & i could probably even say it sucks. so much of what i am going through can't be explained with words. it hurts - physically, emotionally, & mentally. & by "this", i don't just mean the procedures & tests. i mean all of it. the loss. the unknown. the pain. the fear.
i really just feel alone today. & i don't want to make anyone feel bad because i say that. it's not really anything anyone has or hasn't done. i have had many friends reach out to me, especially this morning, wishing me luck & sending love. i am so grateful for those texts. but, i can't explain why i feel lonely. i just do.
i begin feeling guilty about these feelings. mostly because i compare myself to the women who i know have it harder. & comparing is the worst idea. i feel guilty when i don't feel happy because it takes away from who i am. i feel like it cheats rooney out of having the mom she deserves. & guilt just messes with your head - especially when it is unwarranted guilt, which i know is what mine is.
so while i try to remain strong, keep a smile on, & try to encourage those around me - i still have moments/days when it's hard for me to keep moving. my faith is still strong. i continue to hope & pray for a change. i don't doubt that i am doing what i am supposed to. i don't want pity. i just want to let it all out & this is that.
Monday, August 8, 2016
at least
we all go through trials. that's part of life. as i have struggled through my miscarriages, i have learned and continue to learn so many important lessons.
my visiting teachers came over yesterday ( i love them! ) and we got to talking about how no one has it easy, we are all trying to overcome our own obstacles. many of those are trials people don't know just by looking at you. we need to be kind and make sure people know we care. & often we do that by talking to them. but here comes the tricky part -
when we talk to people about the hardships they are enduring, we often say things like:
- at least it happened while you were young
- at least the amputation was below the knee
- at least no kids were involved
- at least you can eat peanuts
- at least, at least, at least...
and funny thing is, we say most of those things with exclamation points at the end! like it somehow fixes everything!
my friend posted this amazing video on facebook last week. please go watch it now.
i love how brene brown says, "someone just shared something with us that's incredibly painful & we're trying to silver lining it." i do this all of the time & i shouldn't. these are the phrases i have heard that have really pushed me to see how much i dislike the phrase "at least".
"at least you know you can get pregnant" - so many people have said this to me. & yes! it's true. i agree. but at the same time - getting pregnant three time and having to go through that emotional and physical pain...how does that phrase help me at all!? i have miscarried more than i have actually carried a baby full term.
"at least you have rooney" - yes! you're right. i have the most wonderful, adorable, sweet, baby who has completely taken my heart, but that doesn't mean i don't ache because i am not giving her the sibling, a best friend, someone to boss around that i know she would be so good with.
"at least" makes is seem like we are discrediting them struggling to get through a trial. ugh. it's the worst. we all go through hard things and while one person's trial might seem harder than someone else's - it does not matter! at that point, that is all they know and so they are struggling just as much!
what can we do so that we are more empathetic? what are your thoughts?
i keep thinking of an experience i had with a friend. something in my life hadn't gone the way i was planning (shocking right?) & i was really upset. he came over to talk to me and asked if i wanted him to give me advice or if i just wanted him to listen. listening is powerful. we so often look for a good response, when just listening can be enough. like brene brown said, "the truth is, rarely can a response make something better."
"what makes something better is a connection." sometimes we just need someone to be sad with us. to mourn with us. to let us cry on their shoulder. just be there.
& please remember, "rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with 'at least'."
my visiting teachers came over yesterday ( i love them! ) and we got to talking about how no one has it easy, we are all trying to overcome our own obstacles. many of those are trials people don't know just by looking at you. we need to be kind and make sure people know we care. & often we do that by talking to them. but here comes the tricky part -
when we talk to people about the hardships they are enduring, we often say things like:
- at least it happened while you were young
- at least the amputation was below the knee
- at least no kids were involved
- at least you can eat peanuts
- at least, at least, at least...
and funny thing is, we say most of those things with exclamation points at the end! like it somehow fixes everything!
my friend posted this amazing video on facebook last week. please go watch it now.
i love how brene brown says, "someone just shared something with us that's incredibly painful & we're trying to silver lining it." i do this all of the time & i shouldn't. these are the phrases i have heard that have really pushed me to see how much i dislike the phrase "at least".
"at least you know you can get pregnant" - so many people have said this to me. & yes! it's true. i agree. but at the same time - getting pregnant three time and having to go through that emotional and physical pain...how does that phrase help me at all!? i have miscarried more than i have actually carried a baby full term.
"at least you have rooney" - yes! you're right. i have the most wonderful, adorable, sweet, baby who has completely taken my heart, but that doesn't mean i don't ache because i am not giving her the sibling, a best friend, someone to boss around that i know she would be so good with.
"at least" makes is seem like we are discrediting them struggling to get through a trial. ugh. it's the worst. we all go through hard things and while one person's trial might seem harder than someone else's - it does not matter! at that point, that is all they know and so they are struggling just as much!
what can we do so that we are more empathetic? what are your thoughts?
i keep thinking of an experience i had with a friend. something in my life hadn't gone the way i was planning (shocking right?) & i was really upset. he came over to talk to me and asked if i wanted him to give me advice or if i just wanted him to listen. listening is powerful. we so often look for a good response, when just listening can be enough. like brene brown said, "the truth is, rarely can a response make something better."
"what makes something better is a connection." sometimes we just need someone to be sad with us. to mourn with us. to let us cry on their shoulder. just be there.
& please remember, "rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with 'at least'."
also - i think i need to go to the library and read everything by brene brown!
Friday, August 5, 2016
the double stroller for my one baby family
we were at target about a week ago, when ashton & i came across an awesome city mini double stroller for probably the greatest price ever.
initially called my parents to see if maybe they wanted to go in on it, but then my heart took over and, selfishly, i thought that i wanted the stroller to be ours.
when my dad found out that i wanted to keep it, he gave me a hard time about it. then he said, you don't even have two kids.
i lost it.
i want two kids.
i should be nearly 21 weeks along.
i am doing everything i can to have another one (test, procedures, & more tests)
then i realized why i really bought that stroller. it is me showing that i have not given up. it is hope. i have faith that there are more babies waiting to be a part of my family, so i felt like buying the stroller was me showing that faith. it all seems so silly, but at the same time, not at all.
i have an attachment to our red double stroller. i look at it & i can see rooney being a big sister. i look at it & my uterus feels extra empty. i look at it & i remember how far i have come. i look at it & i have hope that there are more.
initially called my parents to see if maybe they wanted to go in on it, but then my heart took over and, selfishly, i thought that i wanted the stroller to be ours.
when my dad found out that i wanted to keep it, he gave me a hard time about it. then he said, you don't even have two kids.
i lost it.
i want two kids.
i should be nearly 21 weeks along.
i am doing everything i can to have another one (test, procedures, & more tests)
then i realized why i really bought that stroller. it is me showing that i have not given up. it is hope. i have faith that there are more babies waiting to be a part of my family, so i felt like buying the stroller was me showing that faith. it all seems so silly, but at the same time, not at all.
i have an attachment to our red double stroller. i look at it & i can see rooney being a big sister. i look at it & my uterus feels extra empty. i look at it & i remember how far i have come. i look at it & i have hope that there are more.
Friday, July 29, 2016
my hysterosalpingogram
A hysterosalpingogram or HSG "is an x-ray procedure used to see
whether the fallopian tubes are patent (open) and if the inside of the
uterus (uterine cavity) is normal."
since my tubes are open and getting pregnant is not my problem, i had the procedure done to make sure that my uterus had no abnormalities. my doctor was thinking that maybe i had a septate uterus. that would explain my miscarriages.
my hsg was wednesday morning. i was pretty anxious as my research had shown that this can be very uncomfortable and cause camping. if you don't know, i have a severe fear of pain. pretty sure i can handle pain, it's just the thought that freaks me out. plus, before i had rooney, my doctor tried to break my water (several times) and that was pretty traumatizing.
i was in tears and holding the nurse's hand (she was the sweetest) as we started, anticipating what was going to happen. but, i handled it like a champ! & was pleasantly surprised at how little it really bothered me. i did take a midol about half an hour before going to the doctor so i definitely recommend that.
as i watched the dye go into my uterus and through my fallopian tubes, i could tell that my uterus is just right.
so perfect uterus & normal blood tests means we still don't know why. when i told my doctor i was hoping that the hsg would give us something to fix, he told me to hold of and hope that the next procedure is the one that we want to give us answers.
my next step is an endometrial biopsy and it will happen around august 16th. doctor said this can be just as unpleasant as the hsg, but way faster. lots of prayers that this gets us closer to bringing another baby into our family here on earth.
since my tubes are open and getting pregnant is not my problem, i had the procedure done to make sure that my uterus had no abnormalities. my doctor was thinking that maybe i had a septate uterus. that would explain my miscarriages.
my hsg was wednesday morning. i was pretty anxious as my research had shown that this can be very uncomfortable and cause camping. if you don't know, i have a severe fear of pain. pretty sure i can handle pain, it's just the thought that freaks me out. plus, before i had rooney, my doctor tried to break my water (several times) and that was pretty traumatizing.
i was in tears and holding the nurse's hand (she was the sweetest) as we started, anticipating what was going to happen. but, i handled it like a champ! & was pleasantly surprised at how little it really bothered me. i did take a midol about half an hour before going to the doctor so i definitely recommend that.
as i watched the dye go into my uterus and through my fallopian tubes, i could tell that my uterus is just right.
so perfect uterus & normal blood tests means we still don't know why. when i told my doctor i was hoping that the hsg would give us something to fix, he told me to hold of and hope that the next procedure is the one that we want to give us answers.
my next step is an endometrial biopsy and it will happen around august 16th. doctor said this can be just as unpleasant as the hsg, but way faster. lots of prayers that this gets us closer to bringing another baby into our family here on earth.
Monday, July 11, 2016
when someone gets it
i was just working on an embroidery (a really beautiful custom one for my friend Spencer!) & watching jane the virgin. i love this show a lot. but today, it made me cry.
now, if you haven't gotten at least a few episodes into season 2, there are spoilers ahead...
petra miscarried four years prior but is pregnant again. she's one bedrest, but has been such a sass & fired her last two nurses, forcing rafael to work from her suit & care for her. he finally calls her out on it & gives her some attitude back.
poor petra. she finally breaks down & says that she "had to" fire the nurses. "they kept smiling at me & saying, don't worry, you're gonna be fine. that's what they said the last time & it wasn't fine."
that's when i started crying for her, the made up character in my telenovela. but she gets it & i get her. the idea of pregnancy...while I want it so unbelievably bad, it is also absolutely terrifying.
you know, the past few weeks i have been really impressed by women, just women in general. we do a lot. we are so strong! & then we carry loss & continue to care for children, our spouses, ourselves, & each other. i love my pregnancy loss sisters, so much. we get each other & having someone who understands that pain, that hole (or those holes) in your heart.
so when petra said those words, i had to stop & write.
also, ihadamiscarriage posted this beautiful rainbow with a question that hit me. of course, i have my rainbow baby (one sassy, bossy, & incredibly perfect rooney), but i still daydream about our next baby constantly.
& for those of you who read about my meeting with my doctor - so far ALL blood tests have come back normal. it kind of leaves me at a loss. i was hoping we would find something, but instead more waiting & more tests are coming.
thanks for reading more of my feelings & letting me spill them to someone who just might get it.
xoxo
Friday, July 1, 2016
being happy
if you've been reading my blog, you know that my downs have been outnumbering my ups. miscarriage is hard. waiting (for blood tests & your next cycle for more tests) is hard. everything else that comes with life is hard.
but something happened this weekend. i taught a lesson about the priesthood to the beehives in my ward & while preparing it, i was filled with the spirit & a reminder of the love i have in my life.
i was prompted to read a letter from porter who is currently serving an lds mission in san jose, california. he sent me a clip from my great great grandma Lerona's journal. she was blessed with many visions & the records she kept of it are now blessing me & i am sure all of her posterity. anyway, what she wrote is very special & dear to my heart & it helped me feel peace.
i also spent all of my last post talking about choosing how we react. & mel has told me so many times that after she lost eloise, she had to choose to be happy. & like my dad said after my first loss, "can you be happy along the way?".
after reading Lerona's journal, it just clicked. things changed. my heart felt healed. that does not mean i don't get teary eyed or stop missing my three angels, but i am full of comfort & a surety that they are waiting for me. it also doesn't mean i haven't stopped reaching out & talking to my friends who are struggling with loss as well. while i have finally accepted things & truly been happy again, talking about these trials continues to bring peace.
i am choosing to stay happy.
won't you be happy with me?
but something happened this weekend. i taught a lesson about the priesthood to the beehives in my ward & while preparing it, i was filled with the spirit & a reminder of the love i have in my life.
i was prompted to read a letter from porter who is currently serving an lds mission in san jose, california. he sent me a clip from my great great grandma Lerona's journal. she was blessed with many visions & the records she kept of it are now blessing me & i am sure all of her posterity. anyway, what she wrote is very special & dear to my heart & it helped me feel peace.
i also spent all of my last post talking about choosing how we react. & mel has told me so many times that after she lost eloise, she had to choose to be happy. & like my dad said after my first loss, "can you be happy along the way?".
after reading Lerona's journal, it just clicked. things changed. my heart felt healed. that does not mean i don't get teary eyed or stop missing my three angels, but i am full of comfort & a surety that they are waiting for me. it also doesn't mean i haven't stopped reaching out & talking to my friends who are struggling with loss as well. while i have finally accepted things & truly been happy again, talking about these trials continues to bring peace.
i am choosing to stay happy.
won't you be happy with me?
Monday, June 27, 2016
remembering what you've got
this most recent loss has really thrown me. i have had to turn to prayer constantly.
& believe me when i say that he has answered those prayers & then some. i have received revelations that have helped to heal my heart. i would share them here, but they are sacred & unbelievably sweet.
but what i can share is the reminder i have been given.
to be grateful now. right now. to look at what i have & spend every second loving it. to give what i have, everything i have.
so this morning, i woke up before roo (!!!!) to work out & shower. after she woke up, i made her breakfast, & while she ate, we studied our scriptures together - something i am trying to do more regularly again. what a pick me up! one that i have needed.
the other day, we went to the zoo. i watched ashton as he showed rooney all the animals, & let's just say, it was a good thing i had my sunglasses on. my heart was full. full because i married a man who will brave the crowd & the heat to spend time with us. full because rooney is my greatest blessing. full because i believe my family is the greatest thing in the world.
things aren't easy, but i truly have a lot to be grateful for. & i bet you do too.
& believe me when i say that he has answered those prayers & then some. i have received revelations that have helped to heal my heart. i would share them here, but they are sacred & unbelievably sweet.
but what i can share is the reminder i have been given.
to be grateful now. right now. to look at what i have & spend every second loving it. to give what i have, everything i have.
so this morning, i woke up before roo (!!!!) to work out & shower. after she woke up, i made her breakfast, & while she ate, we studied our scriptures together - something i am trying to do more regularly again. what a pick me up! one that i have needed.
the other day, we went to the zoo. i watched ashton as he showed rooney all the animals, & let's just say, it was a good thing i had my sunglasses on. my heart was full. full because i married a man who will brave the crowd & the heat to spend time with us. full because rooney is my greatest blessing. full because i believe my family is the greatest thing in the world.
things aren't easy, but i truly have a lot to be grateful for. & i bet you do too.
Monday, June 20, 2016
a morning with my doctor
This was Rooney at her wellness check on Thursday.
But it is definitely how I felt today.
I have been waiting for this appointment since I knew I was going to miscarry. I just couldn't wait to sit with my doctor and feel like I was being proactive in getting my babies here.
Then, last night, I couldn't sleep. I was overwhelmed with fear. After I got pregnant with Roo, I assumed maybe my miscarriages were just flukes. I was hopeful. Then last month happened and now I have doubts (I feel they are justified) and of course my brain starts thinking maybe Roo was my fluke/miracle and miscarriages are my normal. Then that leads to what if there won't be more?! And then that turns into crying and very little sleep.
I walked in for my appointment holding back the tears that had already broken through multiple times today. There is nothing harder than walking into an obgyn after a loss - all the smiling, happy pregnant mamas, the couples gushing over ultrasounds, and then the mamas in for checkups with their babies.
Dr. Larsen walked in and I think I did a pretty good job holding those tears (mostly) in. He told me we can try every test he can think of, but there's only a 50% chance that they will show us anything. On top of that, if the chromosomal testing (that both Ashton and I are going to do) comes back irregular, there isn't much we can do and my chances of miscarriage will always be about 60% - even thought my current miscarriage rate is 75%. But I am willing to do anything to just have some answers. Even knowing that my chances of miscarriage will always be high would help me prepare. He will also check my uterus: see if I have a septate uterus as well as take a sample of it before a cycle to check progesterone levels in my lining.
He then said once we have results, we can consult with some specialists be recommends and see if there is more they would suggest we do.
So, all in all, this process will take a few months. I will continue to be emotional. I will continue to wish there was more I could do. But, at least I have these steps to check off and feel like I am doing something to make this better.
For all of you who have sent so many positive thoughts and prayers my way, I can't thank you enough.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
rainbow babies
I just posted this video on facebook. It is about rainbow babies - a baby born after any form of pregnancy loss. Obviously, I have posted quite a bit about my experiences with miscarriages a lot lately, as it has had a huge impact on my life.
I write these posts and then quickly try to follow them up, hide them, between happier posts. I don't want people feeling bad. I especially don't want my friends who are expecting to be afraid to say something. I am truly happy for you as I know these babies are miracles.
Posting on facebook made me realize that these aren't posts I should hide. I want to change the way we talk about loss. Not everyone is the same, but I have come to find that the healing process is easier as you grieve with people. Part of my grieving process was writing my posts.
So, here are my posts dedicated to pregnancy loss, if you are interested in reading through them. I have many others where I mention my miscarraiges, but these are the ones that I really put a lot of time and thought into.
- loss
- more on pregnancy loss
The end of the video is dedicated to parents who have experienced such heartache, but I love how he also says, "This video is dedicated to...rainbow babies who have taught us that the sun shines brightest after the rain." Rooney is definitely my sunshine.
Photos of her being sunshine:
I write these posts and then quickly try to follow them up, hide them, between happier posts. I don't want people feeling bad. I especially don't want my friends who are expecting to be afraid to say something. I am truly happy for you as I know these babies are miracles.
Posting on facebook made me realize that these aren't posts I should hide. I want to change the way we talk about loss. Not everyone is the same, but I have come to find that the healing process is easier as you grieve with people. Part of my grieving process was writing my posts.
So, here are my posts dedicated to pregnancy loss, if you are interested in reading through them. I have many others where I mention my miscarraiges, but these are the ones that I really put a lot of time and thought into.
- loss
- more on pregnancy loss
The end of the video is dedicated to parents who have experienced such heartache, but I love how he also says, "This video is dedicated to...rainbow babies who have taught us that the sun shines brightest after the rain." Rooney is definitely my sunshine.
Photos of her being sunshine:
Saturday, May 28, 2016
more on pregnancy loss
I know, I know, I just wrote the longest post ever about miscarriage.
But, here's the thing - I don't want to talk about it for pity or to make anyone feel bad. It is just talking is therapeutic. I want to get it out and continue to process all of my feelings - which are changing constantly, so there is always something new I have to say about it.
Rooney was having some real bad constipation issues for a few weeks, so of course, I made an appointment to see her doctor. And everything went fine. Except, I think the appointment was more for me than Roo. I had to explain that Rooney went from nursing one day to milk the next because I had to stop nursing since we were worried about miscarrying, which happened anyway. Her doctor almost started crying. She understood the struggle. She had twin boys several months ago and opened up to me about IVF. She knew. She also told me that of her 4 best friends, 3 of them had their embryos in the same freezer and needed IVF to get pregnant. She called them embryo buddies and described how her favorite pictures are of her babies as embryos. She gave me a huge hug as we left and I think I will keep her as Rooney's pediatrician forever.
Then, my friend who miscarried with me just had to have another D&C because there was still remaining tissue. She is worried because her body can't handle miscarriages, yet this is her second one.
Here I am, worried for the exact opposite reason. My body seems handle them like a champ - three miscarriages in and I have never needed any help, I always pass them on my own. This time around, I can't seem to get enough sleep (back to afternoon naps when Rooney is napping) and I am emotionally a mess, but my body has recovered. This worries me because it seems to be my body's natural way to react when pregnant.
Also, can I just leave this right here? (Please read it. Please please please! It shares all of the emotions of trying to get pregnant.)
I want to share everything he says, but especially where he talks about seeing other people get pregnant and feeling sad, but then getting mad because you truly want to be happy for them.
Also, when he describes miscarriage. He says, "I’ve felt time stop before. Car accidents, falling off a fence, a mountain bike jump gone wrong. I have not felt the vertigo of infinity like when we were told our baby was dead. I’m logical. I understand science and biology. I know it was a fetus, not a baby. But it was my baby. In my head, in my heart, I could already imagine being old as it grew into an adult and had its own children, and – woosh – it was all gone."
He nailed it. And then he worries that by sharing their success, which he says many people have gone through more, he might make others feel the way they did. And yes! That is a huge worry. But, more than anything, their story brings hope, a reminder that it is possible. And I know my story is very small compared to theirs, but we can't compare. We need to remember that grief is grief.
But, here's the thing - I don't want to talk about it for pity or to make anyone feel bad. It is just talking is therapeutic. I want to get it out and continue to process all of my feelings - which are changing constantly, so there is always something new I have to say about it.
Rooney was having some real bad constipation issues for a few weeks, so of course, I made an appointment to see her doctor. And everything went fine. Except, I think the appointment was more for me than Roo. I had to explain that Rooney went from nursing one day to milk the next because I had to stop nursing since we were worried about miscarrying, which happened anyway. Her doctor almost started crying. She understood the struggle. She had twin boys several months ago and opened up to me about IVF. She knew. She also told me that of her 4 best friends, 3 of them had their embryos in the same freezer and needed IVF to get pregnant. She called them embryo buddies and described how her favorite pictures are of her babies as embryos. She gave me a huge hug as we left and I think I will keep her as Rooney's pediatrician forever.
Then, my friend who miscarried with me just had to have another D&C because there was still remaining tissue. She is worried because her body can't handle miscarriages, yet this is her second one.
Here I am, worried for the exact opposite reason. My body seems handle them like a champ - three miscarriages in and I have never needed any help, I always pass them on my own. This time around, I can't seem to get enough sleep (back to afternoon naps when Rooney is napping) and I am emotionally a mess, but my body has recovered. This worries me because it seems to be my body's natural way to react when pregnant.
Also, can I just leave this right here? (Please read it. Please please please! It shares all of the emotions of trying to get pregnant.)
I want to share everything he says, but especially where he talks about seeing other people get pregnant and feeling sad, but then getting mad because you truly want to be happy for them.
Also, when he describes miscarriage. He says, "I’ve felt time stop before. Car accidents, falling off a fence, a mountain bike jump gone wrong. I have not felt the vertigo of infinity like when we were told our baby was dead. I’m logical. I understand science and biology. I know it was a fetus, not a baby. But it was my baby. In my head, in my heart, I could already imagine being old as it grew into an adult and had its own children, and – woosh – it was all gone."
He nailed it. And then he worries that by sharing their success, which he says many people have gone through more, he might make others feel the way they did. And yes! That is a huge worry. But, more than anything, their story brings hope, a reminder that it is possible. And I know my story is very small compared to theirs, but we can't compare. We need to remember that grief is grief.
Anyway, I will end with this.
I had to go to the lab to get my hCG levels tested (which is one sure way to take you back to square one with crying and emotions all over) - so I went and bought a shirt I loved after. And, while my mom may roll her eyes at me for spending money to make me happy, I don't regret buying this shirt and can't wait to wear it in New York next week!
Monday, May 16, 2016
loss
*** I have written and rewritten this post more times than I can count. I started it back in December of 2013 and hope now to finish it. As a result, it is a jigsaw of multiple posts and I hope that it makes sense. It is also a very long post - I have tried to organize it so you can skip parts you aren't interested in, but it is hard to get these thoughts out and connect them in a logical way.
This is one of those posts, a post where Tati is writing between tears and trying to share something that is personal, but happens more often than we realize. I want to tackle a topic that is hard, that I have, sadly, come to know too well, and one that most women carry on their own.
Miscarriage.
Growing up, I had only heard the word miscarriage a handful of times.I knew my mom had miscarried twice between me and my younger sister, but that was the depth of my knowledge. And because of that, I assumed it didn't happen often and definitely never thought it would be something that would become such a part of my life. Suddenly, that word stings me like no other word ever has and I find myself repeating it over and over as I write this post.
This weekend, I had my third miscarriage. I have been pregnant four times. One of them gave me my greatest, sweetest, most wonderful blessing. The rest of them have left me feeling so many different and mostly negative emotions.
Here are my stories:
What's next:
I have talked to my doctor and we will watch to make sure my levels drop again and then we will be doing some more in depth testing.
I don't know if knowing there is a reason behind my miscarriages would help at all, but I feel like it could. I think it might give me more patience as we try to give Rooney the sibling she deserves (and needs if we ever want to teach her how to share!)
I imagine that this is something I will continue to struggle with as we try to grow our family. Maybe I will get used to it, but the pain will never go away. I will never not cry when I learn of someone else losing their baby. I will never not feel pain as I think of the children I don't have here on earth with me. But, luckily, I know families are eternal and that I will have the chance to raise all of my babies.
What I have learned:
- Trials can be a blessing. Lets be honest though - it can take a long time to see it that way and that is ok.
- I showed up to work many days and couldn't smile. I had lost a piece of me and most of my coworkers had no idea. I realized that I can't judge someone for not always smiling and saying hello to me in the hallway. We don't know what is happening in their life, just like they had no idea what was happening in mine. - - - Love, no matter what & be slow to judge.
- Compassion. If I see anyone mention loss or struggles with pregnancy - I relate to them and most of the time I say something. I have built some very strong relationships with others going through similar journeys. I love them because they understand what I feel.
- Tender mercies are EVERYWHERE.
- Babies are miracles. They don't call it the "miracle of life" for nothing. The way everything has to work just right to make a perfect tiny human being blows my mind. And then I think about all of the people living right now, all the sweet babies born every day, and I am even more amazed.
- As I have opened up about my miscarriages I have been shocked by how many of my friends have experienced the same thing. There are so many going through the heartbreak of a loss.
- To be happy along the way - I remember talking to my dad in April, after I had miscarried again. He asked me a question that I still think of often. "Can you be happy along the way?" I still had so much to be thankful for and it took me some time, but I began to see that my Heavenly Father had a hand in my life as well as in those around me.
Tender mercies:
- My mom flew out to Minnesota during my first miscarriage and spent a whole week with us. I needed every second of it. I don't know that I can ever thank her enough for being there when I needed her most.
- Flowers/Cards/Texts from friends and family. Just knowing that others were thinking of me lifted me up and gave me extra strength.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help AND let others actually give you help.
- Friends who are going through it too:
1. My first two losses coincided with a girl I was friends with, but not necessarily close to. She got married three months before me. Had her first miscarriage three months before me. Had her second miscarriage three months before me. And finally had her sweet baby girl three months before I had Rooney. I don't think that she will ever know how much I leaned on her throughout my entire experience. Seeing her finally find success in pregnancy gave me so much hope! And because of the trials we went through together, I will always keep her close to my heart.
2. This last one happened with one of my very best friends since high school. She miscarried before her first, but I didn't know that until I had opened up about my losses. She now has two kids. Right before I found out I was pregnant again, she had told me that she was just a few weeks along. But, like anyone who has miscarried before, she was hesitant to be excited about it. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I texted her. We shared our thoughts, fears, and encouragement with each other.
Then we had our first ultrasounds. Her doctor wanted to wait until she was 10 weeks, but she asked them to do it earlier because of her history. Guess what? Our appointments were on the same day! Not only that, they were at the same time!
We both received similar news that day. That things were as far along as we thought, but that ultimately, everything might be ok. But we both knew what was going to happen. And we have told each other how grateful we are to have someone to face this with.
3. A girl I had met through a class in college recently miscarried. I reached out to her and told her Iw as here and she actually took me up on my word. She began texting me when she was sad or discouraged. And then, last week, I was able to go back to her and share my sadness.
- Rooney. How could I forget my greatest blessing, my tender mercy, my miracle, and my rainbow baby. She has made this so much easier. Before her, I thought that maybe I would never get to have a baby. She is here now to snuggle me and shower me with love. She is my motivation to keep going.
Grief is Grief
I still struggle with this. I mourn, I grieve, and then I think how selfish can you be!?
I think of my friend who has fought cancer and struggles with infertility because of chemo. I think of my friends who have paid so much money for IVF - some finding success and others who are still trying. I think of my friend who lost her baby at 30 weeks. I think of those who are just finding out that their road to being parents will be long and hard.
Then I think of me and my family. I realize what I do have (Rooney, the ability to get pregnant so easily) and I get made at myself for complaining so much.
BUT I shouldn't be mad with myself. My feeling are completely allowed. This sadness is all I know. And I have to let myself mourn, cry, be angry, and feel all the emotions.
And you need to let yourself feel those things too. While feeling empathy for others is a good thing, comparing ourselves to them and their situations are not.
Articles, Posts, & Talks that got me through:
They have all said it better than me. If I could, I probably would've just copied everything they said and made that my post. If you see anything from this post - it should be these.
"Infertility sucks for everybody it touches. But it's also it's own kind of wonderful, I think. Especially once the baby you've fought for is won. Those babies are spectacular; those babies are worth it. And in the meantime, you get to experience a depth of emotion that is pretty rare, and really very valuable. And hard and crappy. But kind of amazing, too. You get to tear up at perfect strangers when they do something kind for you in the middle of a really tough day. You get to sob uncontrollably through Johnson's commercials and the ending of About Time and any time you think about that one scene in Up. You get to ugly-cry while lip-synching Chandelier. You get to get really, really mad when you get even slightly mad--mad enough that you literally see red, over something as dumb as string cheese wrappers--and it's okay, because you're freaking hormonal and you're allowed to flip out, and this is hard, and blowing off that steam, that feels good. This last little bit has been ultimately, really and truly, very good for me. Grief can be cleansing. It can also rip you to shreds.
Sometimes it does both.
And isn't that kind of neat?" --- Hey Natalie Jean
Everything she says resonates with me and I wish I could just give her the biggest hug for getting it. But her last part hit me hard. It is perfect. It is me. It is all that I feel and all that I wish everyone would understand.
For all you who get it, I am here for you.
This is one of those posts, a post where Tati is writing between tears and trying to share something that is personal, but happens more often than we realize. I want to tackle a topic that is hard, that I have, sadly, come to know too well, and one that most women carry on their own.
Miscarriage.
Growing up, I had only heard the word miscarriage a handful of times.I knew my mom had miscarried twice between me and my younger sister, but that was the depth of my knowledge. And because of that, I assumed it didn't happen often and definitely never thought it would be something that would become such a part of my life. Suddenly, that word stings me like no other word ever has and I find myself repeating it over and over as I write this post.
This weekend, I had my third miscarriage. I have been pregnant four times. One of them gave me my greatest, sweetest, most wonderful blessing. The rest of them have left me feeling so many different and mostly negative emotions.
Here are my stories:
In December 2013, I had a good guess that I was pregnant, but my tests kept coming back negative. We were driving from Minnesota to Utah for Christmas break and all we could do was think of baby names. It was so much fun! Planning our family together. Our second night in town, I got really sick (the worst migraine I have ever had) and after a few hours we finally went to the emergency room. I told them I thought I might be pregnant. They said they'd check but since I had taken multiple tests that came back negative, I probably wasn't. Turns out I was really dehydrated --- and pregnant. I was thrilled! We came up with all kinds of clever ways to tell family for Christmas. Then these terrifying thoughts started to come into my mind - it was almost like I knew what was going happen. But after a week or so, I had a dream about our little red headed baby girl and suddenly everything felt alright.
When we made it back to Minnesota I finally had a chance to see a doctor. We went in on January 8th for my first ultrasound. As we got closer to the doctor's office, I could feel my heart begin to pound. I didn't want to scare Ashton, but I was overwhelmed with the feeling that something was wrong. I didn't even see a doctor that day, just the nurse who did my ultrasound. She started and it was obvious - there wasn't a baby there. The tears started. She told me we didn't know if anything was wrong, that maybe my dates were off and I was just a few weeks pregnant vs. 8 weeks pregnant, and wanted to do an internal ultrasound. Still nothing. I was a wreck. She explained that I had a blighted ovum and would miscarry. That was it. She walked out and Ashton and I walked back to the car in shock.
I went in for weekly blood tests to follow my hCG levels all the way back to zero. Those weekly visits were unbelievably hard. I tried to go in without Ashton once and broke down in the lobby. Everyone was there with their families, showing off ultrasound photos. My nurse who did the weekly blood tests was an angel, the tender mercy I needed - she listened to me cry and her words filled me with hope.
In April 2014, it all happened again, on our way home from spring break in Chicago with my best MN friend sitting right behind me. I just started bleeding and it didn't fit with my cycle, so of course I called the doctor. A nurse told me to take a pregnancy test because it sounded like it could be implantation bleeding! Guess what - the test said I was pregnant! Back for more hCG loveliness...that gave the sad results of miscarriage again. We aren't sure how far along I was or what happened, but it didn't make it hurt any less.
They did blood tests and I met with a doctor to see if something was off and causing my miscarriages, but everything came back normal.
Now here we are, May 16, 2016. I got a positive pregnancy test on April 22nd. Due to my history, I was hesitant to be excited at first, but I couldn't contain myself and instantly told family. I also told a dear friend who had recently told me that she was pregnant as well. I scheduled an appointment for my best guess at 8 weeks - I hadn't had a normal cycle and had only had two maybe cycles since having Rooney.
Not long after I scheduled my appointment, my back began to ache. I turned to the internet and learned back pain was a potential sign of miscarriage. My heart sank and I called my nurse. She told me to stop breastfeeding because it causes your uterine to contract and with my history, they didn't want to take any chances. I sobbed. The poor nurse probably thought I was crazy, but nursing was my favorite time with Rooney. (It still makes me cry thinking about how I can't comfort her like I used to, that I will never look down at her eating, rubbing her hand across my chest, and smiling back at me. I loved and cherish every single one of those moments.) Other than that, the nurse wasn't too worried because I wasn't showing any other symptoms.
May 10th - my ultrasound. I had Ashton ready with his phone to capture the joy, all our excitement, and the happy tears I was sure I would shed. We start the ultrasound. I see something similar to our first ultrasound back in Minnesota and I knew. I didn't cry. Mostly because my doctor was so optimistic. Based on my inconsistent cycle, I could very easily only be 5 weeks along, instead of the 8 we thought. He also commented on how round my gestational sac was and that the yolk was there and everything looked healthy. He wanted me to come back in a few weeks.
We didn't even make it a week before my nightmare came true.
My emotions:
Since this last one just happened, my emotions are very raw.
While you might think a miscarriage is a miscarriage - that isn't true. Each experience has been different. My reactions haven't been the same either.
My first miscarriage was lots of crying and crying for a very very long time. It also turned me into a bitter person. I am so ashamed of that part of me...
After the first one, I thought I wouldn't miscarry again because statistics said I wouldn't.
My second miscarriage was such a shock, it completely caught me off guard and I still hadn't recovered from my first experience. Because of my previous loss, when I saw the positive pregnancy test I didn't know if I should shout for joy or curl up and cry because it could happen again.
My third pregnancy was my success. It was my Rooney Ann. BUT I spent all of my 38 weeks and 1 day of pregnancy on edge. I was paranoid. I was anxious. I couldn't sleep until I felt her kick, I couldn't get out of bed until I felt her kick either. Several times a day, I would take breaks from my kids and run to the bathroom where I would plead with Heavenly Father to feel her kick so I would know she was ok. I spent my entire pregnancy in fear. And in the end, it was sort of a good thing as my paranoid pregnant self ended up saving my baby.
This one. I spent most of Saturday crying. When I initially started to miscarry it was just me and Roo at home. I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe. I was so mad. I am still mad. That is mostly how I feel this round. MAD - mad that I had actually started to think it wouldn't happen again. mad that I had got my hopes up for this baby just the day before. mad that I had sacrificed nursing and it didn't help. mad that my expectations of babies with 2 year gaps was ruined. mad that my bitterness could come back - I hate it and I don't want it to, but when people say things like, "we just had to think about having a baby and there he was..." I can physically feel my heart break into a million little pieces.
In April 2014, it all happened again, on our way home from spring break in Chicago with my best MN friend sitting right behind me. I just started bleeding and it didn't fit with my cycle, so of course I called the doctor. A nurse told me to take a pregnancy test because it sounded like it could be implantation bleeding! Guess what - the test said I was pregnant! Back for more hCG loveliness...that gave the sad results of miscarriage again. We aren't sure how far along I was or what happened, but it didn't make it hurt any less.
They did blood tests and I met with a doctor to see if something was off and causing my miscarriages, but everything came back normal.
Now here we are, May 16, 2016. I got a positive pregnancy test on April 22nd. Due to my history, I was hesitant to be excited at first, but I couldn't contain myself and instantly told family. I also told a dear friend who had recently told me that she was pregnant as well. I scheduled an appointment for my best guess at 8 weeks - I hadn't had a normal cycle and had only had two maybe cycles since having Rooney.
Not long after I scheduled my appointment, my back began to ache. I turned to the internet and learned back pain was a potential sign of miscarriage. My heart sank and I called my nurse. She told me to stop breastfeeding because it causes your uterine to contract and with my history, they didn't want to take any chances. I sobbed. The poor nurse probably thought I was crazy, but nursing was my favorite time with Rooney. (It still makes me cry thinking about how I can't comfort her like I used to, that I will never look down at her eating, rubbing her hand across my chest, and smiling back at me. I loved and cherish every single one of those moments.) Other than that, the nurse wasn't too worried because I wasn't showing any other symptoms.
May 10th - my ultrasound. I had Ashton ready with his phone to capture the joy, all our excitement, and the happy tears I was sure I would shed. We start the ultrasound. I see something similar to our first ultrasound back in Minnesota and I knew. I didn't cry. Mostly because my doctor was so optimistic. Based on my inconsistent cycle, I could very easily only be 5 weeks along, instead of the 8 we thought. He also commented on how round my gestational sac was and that the yolk was there and everything looked healthy. He wanted me to come back in a few weeks.
We didn't even make it a week before my nightmare came true.
My emotions:
Since this last one just happened, my emotions are very raw.
While you might think a miscarriage is a miscarriage - that isn't true. Each experience has been different. My reactions haven't been the same either.
My first miscarriage was lots of crying and crying for a very very long time. It also turned me into a bitter person. I am so ashamed of that part of me...
After the first one, I thought I wouldn't miscarry again because statistics said I wouldn't.
My second miscarriage was such a shock, it completely caught me off guard and I still hadn't recovered from my first experience. Because of my previous loss, when I saw the positive pregnancy test I didn't know if I should shout for joy or curl up and cry because it could happen again.
My third pregnancy was my success. It was my Rooney Ann. BUT I spent all of my 38 weeks and 1 day of pregnancy on edge. I was paranoid. I was anxious. I couldn't sleep until I felt her kick, I couldn't get out of bed until I felt her kick either. Several times a day, I would take breaks from my kids and run to the bathroom where I would plead with Heavenly Father to feel her kick so I would know she was ok. I spent my entire pregnancy in fear. And in the end, it was sort of a good thing as my paranoid pregnant self ended up saving my baby.
This one. I spent most of Saturday crying. When I initially started to miscarry it was just me and Roo at home. I was crying so hard I could hardly breathe. I was so mad. I am still mad. That is mostly how I feel this round. MAD - mad that I had actually started to think it wouldn't happen again. mad that I had got my hopes up for this baby just the day before. mad that I had sacrificed nursing and it didn't help. mad that my expectations of babies with 2 year gaps was ruined. mad that my bitterness could come back - I hate it and I don't want it to, but when people say things like, "we just had to think about having a baby and there he was..." I can physically feel my heart break into a million little pieces.
What's next:
I have talked to my doctor and we will watch to make sure my levels drop again and then we will be doing some more in depth testing.
I don't know if knowing there is a reason behind my miscarriages would help at all, but I feel like it could. I think it might give me more patience as we try to give Rooney the sibling she deserves (and needs if we ever want to teach her how to share!)
I imagine that this is something I will continue to struggle with as we try to grow our family. Maybe I will get used to it, but the pain will never go away. I will never not cry when I learn of someone else losing their baby. I will never not feel pain as I think of the children I don't have here on earth with me. But, luckily, I know families are eternal and that I will have the chance to raise all of my babies.
What I have learned:
- Trials can be a blessing. Lets be honest though - it can take a long time to see it that way and that is ok.
- I showed up to work many days and couldn't smile. I had lost a piece of me and most of my coworkers had no idea. I realized that I can't judge someone for not always smiling and saying hello to me in the hallway. We don't know what is happening in their life, just like they had no idea what was happening in mine. - - - Love, no matter what & be slow to judge.
- Compassion. If I see anyone mention loss or struggles with pregnancy - I relate to them and most of the time I say something. I have built some very strong relationships with others going through similar journeys. I love them because they understand what I feel.
- Tender mercies are EVERYWHERE.
- Babies are miracles. They don't call it the "miracle of life" for nothing. The way everything has to work just right to make a perfect tiny human being blows my mind. And then I think about all of the people living right now, all the sweet babies born every day, and I am even more amazed.
- As I have opened up about my miscarriages I have been shocked by how many of my friends have experienced the same thing. There are so many going through the heartbreak of a loss.
- To be happy along the way - I remember talking to my dad in April, after I had miscarried again. He asked me a question that I still think of often. "Can you be happy along the way?" I still had so much to be thankful for and it took me some time, but I began to see that my Heavenly Father had a hand in my life as well as in those around me.
Tender mercies:
- My mom flew out to Minnesota during my first miscarriage and spent a whole week with us. I needed every second of it. I don't know that I can ever thank her enough for being there when I needed her most.
- Flowers/Cards/Texts from friends and family. Just knowing that others were thinking of me lifted me up and gave me extra strength.
- Don't be afraid to ask for help AND let others actually give you help.
- Friends who are going through it too:
1. My first two losses coincided with a girl I was friends with, but not necessarily close to. She got married three months before me. Had her first miscarriage three months before me. Had her second miscarriage three months before me. And finally had her sweet baby girl three months before I had Rooney. I don't think that she will ever know how much I leaned on her throughout my entire experience. Seeing her finally find success in pregnancy gave me so much hope! And because of the trials we went through together, I will always keep her close to my heart.
2. This last one happened with one of my very best friends since high school. She miscarried before her first, but I didn't know that until I had opened up about my losses. She now has two kids. Right before I found out I was pregnant again, she had told me that she was just a few weeks along. But, like anyone who has miscarried before, she was hesitant to be excited about it. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I texted her. We shared our thoughts, fears, and encouragement with each other.
Then we had our first ultrasounds. Her doctor wanted to wait until she was 10 weeks, but she asked them to do it earlier because of her history. Guess what? Our appointments were on the same day! Not only that, they were at the same time!
We both received similar news that day. That things were as far along as we thought, but that ultimately, everything might be ok. But we both knew what was going to happen. And we have told each other how grateful we are to have someone to face this with.
3. A girl I had met through a class in college recently miscarried. I reached out to her and told her Iw as here and she actually took me up on my word. She began texting me when she was sad or discouraged. And then, last week, I was able to go back to her and share my sadness.
- Rooney. How could I forget my greatest blessing, my tender mercy, my miracle, and my rainbow baby. She has made this so much easier. Before her, I thought that maybe I would never get to have a baby. She is here now to snuggle me and shower me with love. She is my motivation to keep going.
Grief is Grief
This is one of the greatest things I experienced as I was journeying through my first miscarriage. Here is my journal entry from that day.
_________________________________
January 24, 2014
_________________________________
January 24, 2014
I had another blood test appointment yesterday. I was feeling alright until I walked into the OBGYN. There were a lot more people than normal. Lots of couples. Many baby bellies. And a few families gushing over ultrasounds. It broke my heart. That excitement was mine and then it got taken away. I would have almost been 11 weeks by now. I hated it, but I was bitter. I was jealous of their happiness.
The nurse called me back and asked how I was doing. I lost it. I broke down. I am crying now. I lost someone I loved, which seems silly of me to say, maybe even a little dramatic, since a baby never completely "formed". But, I felt like a mother who lost her baby (and now as I look back at this post, I believe that is who I am and I have every right to feel that way). I was nearly inconsolable. The nurse was very kind and said things to make me feel better. She was patient and even got my hCG numbers so I could see if they were dropping.
As I left the appointment, my heart was heavy. I hated being that bitter, especially over someone's happiness! How cruel of me. I said a little prayer, more like a huge, heartbroken plea for me to find comfort, that someone would let me know that they are thinking of me.
I ran some errands in attempt to hold off the tears, keep me busy. I got home and put on a tv show. Anything so I didn't focus on the hurt. Then I get a call from a dear friend who I look up to.
This friend miscarried a few years ago and then just a year ago had a stillborn.
She wanted to check on me, see how I was doing. I told her how hurt I was and she cried with me. I said something about how I can't even imagine the pain she must have gone though because she carried a baby for 9 months. She got mad at me saying that she wasn't calling to make me feel bad. She said, "Your grief is your grief. My grief is my grief. We all feel pain. Don't talk yours down." How I needed to hear that! I am allowed to grieve! She said I needed to allow myself to get those emotions (the angry, the sadness) out.
_________________________________I still struggle with this. I mourn, I grieve, and then I think how selfish can you be!?
I think of my friend who has fought cancer and struggles with infertility because of chemo. I think of my friends who have paid so much money for IVF - some finding success and others who are still trying. I think of my friend who lost her baby at 30 weeks. I think of those who are just finding out that their road to being parents will be long and hard.
Then I think of me and my family. I realize what I do have (Rooney, the ability to get pregnant so easily) and I get made at myself for complaining so much.
BUT I shouldn't be mad with myself. My feeling are completely allowed. This sadness is all I know. And I have to let myself mourn, cry, be angry, and feel all the emotions.
And you need to let yourself feel those things too. While feeling empathy for others is a good thing, comparing ourselves to them and their situations are not.
Articles, Posts, & Talks that got me through:
They have all said it better than me. If I could, I probably would've just copied everything they said and made that my post. If you see anything from this post - it should be these.
- Even though you miscarried, at least you know you can get pregnant - What not to say. I hope most of these are no brainers...but as someone who is struggling with fertility, I agree with them. Also, being able to get pregnant is great. But miscarrying over and over makes the thought of getting pregnant and going through all those emotions again...terrifying.
- Interesting statistics on what people with no medical background believe can cause a miscarriage.
- "It would be the last time that we would say, 'We are pregnant' without the quiet little fear that whispers, 'but what if it happens again.'"
- "When the pathway of life takes a cruel turn, there is the temptation to ask the question, 'Why me?'"
- A mother's love
- "Actually, when I realized the simple fact that God can- and will- give us more than we can possibly bear, it got easier."
- I have mixed feelings about this one (ONLY because when you know you are prone to losing the baby, telling the world you are pregnant might not be a good option), but I have to say, having people to support you through a miscarriage is so much easier, and way less lonely, than doing it all by yourself. So, lean on the support of friends and family.
- "Miscarriage changed how I saw pregnancy."
- "The bad feelings don't go away just because the event is over. You can't all of a sudden turn the switch on for happiness and well-being because you were in such a dark and scary place for so long...Happy! I want to be happy."
- These cards. She also has an instagram: ihadamiscarriage. I only recently stumbled across her stuff and she gets it. If you are looking for a card to get someone who is going through pregnancy loss, this is a great place to start!
I want to end with this.
Sometimes it does both.
And isn't that kind of neat?" --- Hey Natalie Jean
I hope Rooney knows how much I love her, how much I prayed for her, and how much happiness she brings me. The love I feel for her is so intense that sometimes I think it could make my heart stop. I feel so blessed to be her mom. I look at her in awe. All of that pain, hard work, and fear was absolutely worth it. And that is how I know what I am going through right now is worth it.
For all of you who have sweet babes - give them extra hugs and kisses because you made them and they are miracles.
For all you who get it, I am here for you.
Sunday, May 10, 2015
mother's day
This Mother's Day is one I will never forget as it is my first one as a mother.
I am so grateful to be Ashton's wife and Rooney's mother.
In 2010, I gave a talk that started like this:
"Good afternoon brothers and sisters. I have a not so common confession...I love babies. I am sure I have a bad case of being baby hungry. Cute boy on the right, chubby little baby on the left...the baby always wins. I can sit for hours and play with kids. I blame this on the fact that I was the oldest of 5 children and quickly became mommy's little helper.
Now, in all seriousness, I really have always dreamed of being a mom. I think that dream is fairly normal for all girls. We want to have our own families, to have children that we can love and teach. Brother Frazier asked to me to speak almost a month ago on...are you ready? “The Mother I am Going to Be.” Pretty heavy right? Almost comical even, coming from a 21 year old, single, college graduate to a large group of fellow single peers. I have thought about how to attack this topic almost everyday. But who wants to hear about the mom that Tati wants to be? Who really cares except for the lucky man who will someday sweep me off my feet and my absolutely adorable future children. Now with that said, I am going to talk to you about the qualities that all of us want to posses when it comes to be our turn to raise our own families."
(I am still surprised I didn't get a single date from a talk as awesome as that one. Though, I have heard from a few people that they still remember it.)
I have dreamed of being a mom for as long as I can remember and here I am now, writing this post with one hand as my other arm is cradling a nursing Rooney. Roo is more than I could have imagined. I have never loved so completely. The minute I heard her cry, my life changed forever. She became my life. In the last seven and a half weeks she has taught me so much - about love, gratitude, the importance of sleep, and so much more! Life with a newborn hasn't been easy, but it is beyond worth it.
Mothers come in all forms. Mothers and grandmas being the obvious ones, but aunts, friends, teachers, neighbors, and so many others we look to as role models.
I also want to acknowledge the mothers who find Mother's Day as a reminder of what they have lost. I remember the mother's day after my first miscarriages - it was just a reminder of what I lost. When I was about 33 weeks pregnant with Rooney, one of my closest friends was 30 weeks pregnant and lost her sweet baby girl, Eloise. Just a few weeks before, we had been together, celebrating our friendship and the adventures we were going to share as mothers. I look up to Melanie and her strength and love so much. She has created a touching blog about her experiences and she has given me permission to share it. I am so grateful to have Mel in my life.
i love the pictures we got of our babes together. i have no doubt that they are special friends.
A huge part of my heart is dedicated to those mothers who have lost a child. The minute you find out you are pregnant, you become a mother. In that instant, you look at the world differently. Having that child taken away from you, whether it be during pregnancy or later in life, is unbearable. As I have mentioned before, I have a post that I continue to add as I collect articles and posts that helped me through my miscarriages. Someday I will organize those thoughts.
I feel like I should end this post now, but I still have so much to say!
I want to thank my mom! She has taught me everything I know about being a mom. She truly lives her life for her husband, five children, and two absolutely perfectly adorable grandchildren. She is patient, selfless, and full of love. I hate doing things alone. For example, while I was at BYU, I would call mom as I walked to campus. Now that I live with her, she comes with me to run errands, hike, and see movies. I will continue to spend all my time with her in hopes that more and more of her rubs off on me.
Thank you to my mother-in-law. She is one of the happiest people I have ever met. She is always smiling and has taught her boys to laugh often. She is always up for games and never hesitates about DQ runs. I am constantly amazed with the man she raised - because of her, Ashton is my dream man.
Thank you to my mother-in-law. She is one of the happiest people I have ever met. She is always smiling and has taught her boys to laugh often. She is always up for games and never hesitates about DQ runs. I am constantly amazed with the man she raised - because of her, Ashton is my dream man.
Rooney is lucky to have such fantastic women as examples in her life.
// And I have to thank Ashton, my husband who absolutely spoiled me this weekend. It started with a fitbit on Friday and I just thought he was the greatest. Then Saturday morning, I wake up to feed Roo and sitting on my rocking chair I find new running shoes and workout outfits! I have been complaining about this baby weight for weeks now and he knew just what type of motivation I needed. But the best, most wonderful gift was how he took care of me today. As we were getting ready to head up to Centerville, my vision started to get spotty. I was determined to spend time with family, but he knows me too well and didn't want me to be miserable and sick and not in my bed. Within half an hour, I had a full blown migraine. Ashton helped me to our room and hung blankets to black out all of our windows. He then took Rooney and let me recover, checking in on me every so often. I am so lucky to have a man so willing to fight my stubbornness and know exactly what I need. \\
I am so grateful to be Ashton's wife and Rooney's mother.
Happy Mother's Day!
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