Tuesday, July 24, 2018

the aftermath

the tati after miscarriages was bitter, sad, & heartbroken. i couldn't be around anyone who was expecting without feeling that twinge of jealousy. being that way was hard & i hated those feeling. i knew they weren't good, but i couldn't help it. even after my successful pregnancies, i continued to almost roll my eyes when another mom so easily got pregnant. i would instantly count how many months apart their babies would be - like that would tell me if they struggled or not & worthy of my happiness. i am now rolling my eyes at myself. ugh.

but this loss, while harder physically than even my c-sections, has been a completely different experience. i am sad, but not heartbroken. i mean, really, 25% of women experience a miscarriage - i have had 3. only 1 to 2% of pregnancies are ectopic & even less lose a fallopian tube due to rupture. when i look at those stats, i do wonder why me & every time i get ready to be mad at Heavenly Father for putting me through another loss, i am overwhelmed by the love He has shown me through this entire ordeal.

-  my parents. they made plans in february to come see us for gus's first birthday. in february, they bought plane tickets to get in to fort smith on the 15th. i even told them they could fly into okc or tulsa & we would come get them, but no, they flew to fort smith. & what a blessing! i went to the ER on the morning of the 15th. they got to my house just a few hours after my surgery. if they hadn't been here that first week post-op, i probably would have needed ashton to stay home from work. plus, who doesn't need their mom when life is hard?

-  dinners. i am so grateful to my wonderful ministering sisters & a relief society president who is so quick to serve.

- flowers. never underestimate the power of flowers. they can bring so much joy & no one can ever have enough. it might be a simple gesture, but it's telling someone that you are thinking of them & that means the word.

- wonderful grandma fry passed away on May 23rd & she is so missed. when my mother in law told us, she said, "i can't help but think she is with your babies right now, getting to know them." those words resonated in my heart. i felt not only grandma fry there, but my grandma thorkelson too. they are surrounded by family & i will have eternity to raise them.

- the biggest tender mercy (tied with my parents being here, of course) was the disappearance of jealousy. i even helped throw a baby shower a week later & did it happily! i have had a few friends call to tell me they are expecting and i experienced true happiness for them. i even told a friend that finally my loss doesn't outweigh someone else's joy.

as far as my baby though, i am still numb. i knew for nearly 2 weeks that i was pregnant before i went to the ER. i had plenty of time to dream and plan for my January 9th baby. we had names picked. we had already discussed the need for a minivan. & while i was hesitant like i always am early in pregnancy, i felt good, peaceful, & secure in this new pregnancy.

but, here i am...empty.

empty, but not mourning. i haven't had a real good cry & i keep going back & forth on how i feel about that. with every miscarriage, i have cried for a good week. i miss baby, but i feel ok. maybe i am used to the loss part? part of me worries that it means i didn't have a relationship with this little one & that terrifies me. but as i sit here, writing these words, i know that isn't true. sweet baby is there, with my other babies gone too soon & the sweet angels waiting to come to us. i am so proud that i was chosen to help their sweet little spirits gain bodies. it is such a tender mercy to have this knowledge & a testimony in the eternal bonds of family.

my army in heaven continues to grow.

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