struggling to stay pregnant has opened up doors for me, forever connected me to people who were just acquaintances, & strengthened my relationships with already forever friends. it hasn't been my favorite journey, but if it allows me to feel & show empathy towards others or even help someone along their journey, it helps me through my grieving process. it is my silver lining through this trial.
i was chatting with a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. she is one of my sister's best childhood friends & so she has always seemed like a little sister to me. it breaks my heart that she is going through this. infertility is an ugly, unfair thing.
anyway, she recently saw a specialist & is getting ready to do the tests that i had done this summer. we were discussing them & praying that they give her answers. i told her that none of my tests revealed anything, but it is probably because i just have rotten eggs.
so, ever since then, my rotten eggs have been on my mind. & it caused me to think back on an episode of new girl from season 2. in it, jess & cece visit their friend who also is an obgyn. she tells them something along the lines of everyone's quality of eggs is different. jess & cece get the blood test to find out how their eggs are.
as i watched this episode back in 2012, i had no reason to think the quality of my eggs would be anything less than perfect. in fact, when cece found out her eggs weren't so great & her years of fertility were limited, i didn't feel much because it was just a tv show. of course, now, that episode pulls at my heart.
i know that both rooney & baby brother are miracles, my sweet rainbow babies. i am 2 for 5 so far & i know i am no doctor, but 60% of my eggs seem to be not so quality. there isn't much doctors can do to help with it - no hormones to give me that will magically make them better. it breaks my heart, knowing that i will probably struggle with miscarriages the entire time we try to have children.
so, while i may be pregnant right now, my heart is never far from those who struggle. i think of & pray for these women often. i know i will be there again in years to come. i find strength in the mamas i have talked to who have had multiple losses between children - yet have still created good sized, strong, beautiful families.
& that is my little rant on my lame eggs (which, obviously, make my sticky, quality ones so absolutely amazing) & the struggles of family making.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Saturday, February 18, 2017
Saturday, October 15, 2016
pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day
today is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day.
those of you who have been reading my blog know that this is something near & dear to my heart as i am one in four who has experienced such heartache. i have been prepping for today as i have made an embroidery that truly signifies how i hope to handle my losses. i will always miss my angel babies and i feel like my struggle with loss is not over. but, i do know i have so much to be grateful for - like my rooney, who brings me more joy than i can imagine, but also in a husband who is supportive, patient, loving, kind, & all things good. my goal is to find joy & fulfillment where i am - no matter where that might be. what i would like for you guys to do is to be aware, to be kind, & to never judge because you have no idea what someone is going through (pregnancy loss or not). let's be kind. let's remember our blessings. & let's fill the world with love.
if this is your first time coming to my blog for information on my journey & thoughts in my miscarriages, these links will take you to my posts specifically on that topic.
Monday, September 26, 2016
meeting with the fertility specialist
the day finally came to meet with our specialist.
i was really anxious going into it. but, we met dr. hatasaka & everything was calm. he spent a good 45 minutes just talking with us, telling us about recurrent pregnancy loss, statistics, & overall, how we just don't know much when it comes to infertility.
technically, i've only had two viable miscarriages - my second miscarriage falls under a chemical loss. he said that with those statistics & the fact that i've got rooney, my chances of having a healthy pregnancy is at least 60% if not more. those are good odds. though, my current statistics (75% loss, 25% baby) aren't quite there.
he also gave me a few things to focus on when we try again.
the first thing he mention was how overworked my reproductive system is - which totally made sense, i just had never thought about it. i went of birth control, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant with rooney. one cycle when she was about 12 months old, got pregnant, miscarried. so he suggested giving my body a few cycles to recuperate.
the next thing he talked about was caffeine. there is a correlation - the more caffeine one consumes, the higher the chances of miscarriage. i love diet coke, but i don't drink it all that much, so i am not too worried about it.
he also asked how much i weighed when i got pregnant with rooney. apparently fat can make a big difference - even if it is just 10 pounds.
then he suggested one last blood test, but it is something we can't afford at this time.
so that's where we are right now. i am feeling better about everything, really calm, which is such a welcome change.
i was really anxious going into it. but, we met dr. hatasaka & everything was calm. he spent a good 45 minutes just talking with us, telling us about recurrent pregnancy loss, statistics, & overall, how we just don't know much when it comes to infertility.
technically, i've only had two viable miscarriages - my second miscarriage falls under a chemical loss. he said that with those statistics & the fact that i've got rooney, my chances of having a healthy pregnancy is at least 60% if not more. those are good odds. though, my current statistics (75% loss, 25% baby) aren't quite there.
he also gave me a few things to focus on when we try again.
the first thing he mention was how overworked my reproductive system is - which totally made sense, i just had never thought about it. i went of birth control, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant, miscarried, one cycle, got pregnant with rooney. one cycle when she was about 12 months old, got pregnant, miscarried. so he suggested giving my body a few cycles to recuperate.
the next thing he talked about was caffeine. there is a correlation - the more caffeine one consumes, the higher the chances of miscarriage. i love diet coke, but i don't drink it all that much, so i am not too worried about it.
he also asked how much i weighed when i got pregnant with rooney. apparently fat can make a big difference - even if it is just 10 pounds.
then he suggested one last blood test, but it is something we can't afford at this time.
so that's where we are right now. i am feeling better about everything, really calm, which is such a welcome change.
Thursday, August 25, 2016
is this real life?
i called the specialist yesterday, set up an appointment, & went on my way.
then, i was driving home from mutual & it hit me. this has become my life.
i remember after my second miscarriage, i called my doctor's office to schedule some tests that she had suggested. when i spoke to the nurse she said something along the lines of infertility tests. i didn't know how to respond. "no" was my first thought. fertility isn't my issue. i was going to be the mom with 5 happy kids, all spaced a wonderful two years apart. this was just a hiccup that we were going to fix.
i have thought about that moment a lot. how naive i was - thinking i was invincible & that my life was going to turn out exactly how i had it planned. ha.
so, the next journey for us includes praying to carry a baby full term & hoping ashton gets his dream job in air traffic control.
more on ashton & atc. they opened up the bid (finally) & he made it through to the next round. now we just wait to find out when and where he needs to take the aptitude test.
this whole journey to air traffic control has been unreal (read: ridiculous, unfair, a joke...). talking about it boils my blood, which is why i usually let ashton tell people about how lame it is.
anyways, we have been feeling really good about this round & have been saying lots of prayers that ashton's dream job finally becomes a reality!
then, i was driving home from mutual & it hit me. this has become my life.
i remember after my second miscarriage, i called my doctor's office to schedule some tests that she had suggested. when i spoke to the nurse she said something along the lines of infertility tests. i didn't know how to respond. "no" was my first thought. fertility isn't my issue. i was going to be the mom with 5 happy kids, all spaced a wonderful two years apart. this was just a hiccup that we were going to fix.
i have thought about that moment a lot. how naive i was - thinking i was invincible & that my life was going to turn out exactly how i had it planned. ha.
so, the next journey for us includes praying to carry a baby full term & hoping ashton gets his dream job in air traffic control.
more on ashton & atc. they opened up the bid (finally) & he made it through to the next round. now we just wait to find out when and where he needs to take the aptitude test.
this whole journey to air traffic control has been unreal (read: ridiculous, unfair, a joke...). talking about it boils my blood, which is why i usually let ashton tell people about how lame it is.
anyways, we have been feeling really good about this round & have been saying lots of prayers that ashton's dream job finally becomes a reality!
Monday, August 22, 2016
edometrial biopsy
last tuesday, i had my biopsy. today, i got the results back.
the results aren't what i wanted... everything is normal - no hormonal imbalance. i called my mom pretty bummed & she was confused. isn't it good that you're normal? but, i am trying to find the good in this because not normal things are happening to me, who, according to all tests, is normal. i have to say though, that i did sort of expect this to be the case. it would have just been too easy if progesterone was the fix.
the next step is to see a specialist. i have been playing with whether or not it was worth it. even according to their website, they only can diagnose why miscarriages happen 50% of the time - exactly what my ob told me. so, is it worth it? because waiting for test results just means waiting even longer before getting pregnant again. waiting is the worst part.
but, i talked with a nurse who is quickly becoming my favorite. she was the one who took care of me when i went in for my biopsy. as i got emotional, she told me she had been here before & that she had to see fertility specialists. she gave me the name of the doctor she had seen & told me that she had really liked him. then today, while we were going over the results, i asked her if it was worth it to see a specialist. she told me it was, that they can help us come up with the next steps.
so, regardless of what they can or can't tell us, i think that is the direction we will be heading.
last night, i was trying to fall asleep as my mind was going non stop. i had connected with an acquaintance who was struggling through her own journey of losses & fertility - she said so many things that resounded in me, things that i needed to hear. then my heart was going out to a friend who is unsure of her current pregnancy. & another who was fearful that her ivf didn't take (found out today that her fear came true). easy to see why my brain wouldn't shut off.
suddenly, i realized i was singing a song in my head. i fell asleep as i sang the third verse to "How Firm A Foundation" over & over. i encourage you to listen to the song as it has brought me so much comfort today as i have continued to ponder the things happening in my life & in the lives of those around me. i will leave those words with you & hope you can feel the same comfort from them as i have today.
my cheerleaders who waited so quietly for me to be finished. i am so very blessed to have them.
the results aren't what i wanted... everything is normal - no hormonal imbalance. i called my mom pretty bummed & she was confused. isn't it good that you're normal? but, i am trying to find the good in this because not normal things are happening to me, who, according to all tests, is normal. i have to say though, that i did sort of expect this to be the case. it would have just been too easy if progesterone was the fix.
the next step is to see a specialist. i have been playing with whether or not it was worth it. even according to their website, they only can diagnose why miscarriages happen 50% of the time - exactly what my ob told me. so, is it worth it? because waiting for test results just means waiting even longer before getting pregnant again. waiting is the worst part.
but, i talked with a nurse who is quickly becoming my favorite. she was the one who took care of me when i went in for my biopsy. as i got emotional, she told me she had been here before & that she had to see fertility specialists. she gave me the name of the doctor she had seen & told me that she had really liked him. then today, while we were going over the results, i asked her if it was worth it to see a specialist. she told me it was, that they can help us come up with the next steps.
so, regardless of what they can or can't tell us, i think that is the direction we will be heading.
last night, i was trying to fall asleep as my mind was going non stop. i had connected with an acquaintance who was struggling through her own journey of losses & fertility - she said so many things that resounded in me, things that i needed to hear. then my heart was going out to a friend who is unsure of her current pregnancy. & another who was fearful that her ivf didn't take (found out today that her fear came true). easy to see why my brain wouldn't shut off.
suddenly, i realized i was singing a song in my head. i fell asleep as i sang the third verse to "How Firm A Foundation" over & over. i encourage you to listen to the song as it has brought me so much comfort today as i have continued to ponder the things happening in my life & in the lives of those around me. i will leave those words with you & hope you can feel the same comfort from them as i have today.
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
real talk
ok. i just need a second to be real. i feel like most of my posts are positive, even when talking about my miscarriages. but this one is just the honesty of the struggle. the physical struggle. the emotional struggle. the mental struggle.
before i even begin, i feel like i need to clarify a few things. i never want this to come off as ungrateful. i am beyond grateful & i think that is why allowing myself to feel these emotions is so hard. i haven't yet had to go to an actual fertility specialist, so far i am just working with my obgyn. i am also unbelievably & incredibly grateful for rooney. i have always seen her as my miracle, having had her after two miscarriages when fears of never having a baby filled my head. but now, having had a miscarriage post rooney too - there are no words that will ever adequately describe my love, gratitude, & joy that i receive from being her mom. i am grateful.
i also understand that my journey is not nearly as long as others. i first got pregnant almost three years ago. i know others have been in this battle for 10 plus years. i know that my three miscarriages might pale to others 5 or 6. i know that i haven't had to give myself shots or go through extensive treatments (at least not yet). the point is, we are all at different degrees. this is not a comparison. whether you've experienced a stillborn, multiple miscarriages, or one miscarriage (no matter how early) - we have all been there & we all know what it is like.
today, i am meeting with my doctor for the final procedure, an endometrial biopsy. we are hoping that this shows some hormonal imbalance in my uterus before my cycle starts because hormones are something we can fix. if everything comes back normal, i think he will have me meet with specialists? but maybe not? maybe i just want to keep trying to have a baby & pray that i will because anxiety for these procedures get to me. also, i can't really remember what he said would happen next - it's just been so long since we first met about options.
anyway, these procedures/test put me in a state. a state of ________. fill in the blank & i am probably feeling it. hope that it reveals something. anxiety - what if everything is normal? fear of whatever he is going to insert into my body to remove tissue (tmi?). loneliness. really, just all of those heart pounding emotions. my hands are shaking as i type.
you guys. this is my real talk. this stinks. this is hard. this is the worst & i could probably even say it sucks. so much of what i am going through can't be explained with words. it hurts - physically, emotionally, & mentally. & by "this", i don't just mean the procedures & tests. i mean all of it. the loss. the unknown. the pain. the fear.
i really just feel alone today. & i don't want to make anyone feel bad because i say that. it's not really anything anyone has or hasn't done. i have had many friends reach out to me, especially this morning, wishing me luck & sending love. i am so grateful for those texts. but, i can't explain why i feel lonely. i just do.
i begin feeling guilty about these feelings. mostly because i compare myself to the women who i know have it harder. & comparing is the worst idea. i feel guilty when i don't feel happy because it takes away from who i am. i feel like it cheats rooney out of having the mom she deserves. & guilt just messes with your head - especially when it is unwarranted guilt, which i know is what mine is.
so while i try to remain strong, keep a smile on, & try to encourage those around me - i still have moments/days when it's hard for me to keep moving. my faith is still strong. i continue to hope & pray for a change. i don't doubt that i am doing what i am supposed to. i don't want pity. i just want to let it all out & this is that.
before i even begin, i feel like i need to clarify a few things. i never want this to come off as ungrateful. i am beyond grateful & i think that is why allowing myself to feel these emotions is so hard. i haven't yet had to go to an actual fertility specialist, so far i am just working with my obgyn. i am also unbelievably & incredibly grateful for rooney. i have always seen her as my miracle, having had her after two miscarriages when fears of never having a baby filled my head. but now, having had a miscarriage post rooney too - there are no words that will ever adequately describe my love, gratitude, & joy that i receive from being her mom. i am grateful.
i also understand that my journey is not nearly as long as others. i first got pregnant almost three years ago. i know others have been in this battle for 10 plus years. i know that my three miscarriages might pale to others 5 or 6. i know that i haven't had to give myself shots or go through extensive treatments (at least not yet). the point is, we are all at different degrees. this is not a comparison. whether you've experienced a stillborn, multiple miscarriages, or one miscarriage (no matter how early) - we have all been there & we all know what it is like.
today, i am meeting with my doctor for the final procedure, an endometrial biopsy. we are hoping that this shows some hormonal imbalance in my uterus before my cycle starts because hormones are something we can fix. if everything comes back normal, i think he will have me meet with specialists? but maybe not? maybe i just want to keep trying to have a baby & pray that i will because anxiety for these procedures get to me. also, i can't really remember what he said would happen next - it's just been so long since we first met about options.
anyway, these procedures/test put me in a state. a state of ________. fill in the blank & i am probably feeling it. hope that it reveals something. anxiety - what if everything is normal? fear of whatever he is going to insert into my body to remove tissue (tmi?). loneliness. really, just all of those heart pounding emotions. my hands are shaking as i type.
you guys. this is my real talk. this stinks. this is hard. this is the worst & i could probably even say it sucks. so much of what i am going through can't be explained with words. it hurts - physically, emotionally, & mentally. & by "this", i don't just mean the procedures & tests. i mean all of it. the loss. the unknown. the pain. the fear.
i really just feel alone today. & i don't want to make anyone feel bad because i say that. it's not really anything anyone has or hasn't done. i have had many friends reach out to me, especially this morning, wishing me luck & sending love. i am so grateful for those texts. but, i can't explain why i feel lonely. i just do.
i begin feeling guilty about these feelings. mostly because i compare myself to the women who i know have it harder. & comparing is the worst idea. i feel guilty when i don't feel happy because it takes away from who i am. i feel like it cheats rooney out of having the mom she deserves. & guilt just messes with your head - especially when it is unwarranted guilt, which i know is what mine is.
so while i try to remain strong, keep a smile on, & try to encourage those around me - i still have moments/days when it's hard for me to keep moving. my faith is still strong. i continue to hope & pray for a change. i don't doubt that i am doing what i am supposed to. i don't want pity. i just want to let it all out & this is that.
Monday, August 8, 2016
at least
we all go through trials. that's part of life. as i have struggled through my miscarriages, i have learned and continue to learn so many important lessons.
my visiting teachers came over yesterday ( i love them! ) and we got to talking about how no one has it easy, we are all trying to overcome our own obstacles. many of those are trials people don't know just by looking at you. we need to be kind and make sure people know we care. & often we do that by talking to them. but here comes the tricky part -
when we talk to people about the hardships they are enduring, we often say things like:
- at least it happened while you were young
- at least the amputation was below the knee
- at least no kids were involved
- at least you can eat peanuts
- at least, at least, at least...
and funny thing is, we say most of those things with exclamation points at the end! like it somehow fixes everything!
my friend posted this amazing video on facebook last week. please go watch it now.
i love how brene brown says, "someone just shared something with us that's incredibly painful & we're trying to silver lining it." i do this all of the time & i shouldn't. these are the phrases i have heard that have really pushed me to see how much i dislike the phrase "at least".
"at least you know you can get pregnant" - so many people have said this to me. & yes! it's true. i agree. but at the same time - getting pregnant three time and having to go through that emotional and physical pain...how does that phrase help me at all!? i have miscarried more than i have actually carried a baby full term.
"at least you have rooney" - yes! you're right. i have the most wonderful, adorable, sweet, baby who has completely taken my heart, but that doesn't mean i don't ache because i am not giving her the sibling, a best friend, someone to boss around that i know she would be so good with.
"at least" makes is seem like we are discrediting them struggling to get through a trial. ugh. it's the worst. we all go through hard things and while one person's trial might seem harder than someone else's - it does not matter! at that point, that is all they know and so they are struggling just as much!
what can we do so that we are more empathetic? what are your thoughts?
i keep thinking of an experience i had with a friend. something in my life hadn't gone the way i was planning (shocking right?) & i was really upset. he came over to talk to me and asked if i wanted him to give me advice or if i just wanted him to listen. listening is powerful. we so often look for a good response, when just listening can be enough. like brene brown said, "the truth is, rarely can a response make something better."
"what makes something better is a connection." sometimes we just need someone to be sad with us. to mourn with us. to let us cry on their shoulder. just be there.
& please remember, "rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with 'at least'."
my visiting teachers came over yesterday ( i love them! ) and we got to talking about how no one has it easy, we are all trying to overcome our own obstacles. many of those are trials people don't know just by looking at you. we need to be kind and make sure people know we care. & often we do that by talking to them. but here comes the tricky part -
when we talk to people about the hardships they are enduring, we often say things like:
- at least it happened while you were young
- at least the amputation was below the knee
- at least no kids were involved
- at least you can eat peanuts
- at least, at least, at least...
and funny thing is, we say most of those things with exclamation points at the end! like it somehow fixes everything!
my friend posted this amazing video on facebook last week. please go watch it now.
i love how brene brown says, "someone just shared something with us that's incredibly painful & we're trying to silver lining it." i do this all of the time & i shouldn't. these are the phrases i have heard that have really pushed me to see how much i dislike the phrase "at least".
"at least you know you can get pregnant" - so many people have said this to me. & yes! it's true. i agree. but at the same time - getting pregnant three time and having to go through that emotional and physical pain...how does that phrase help me at all!? i have miscarried more than i have actually carried a baby full term.
"at least you have rooney" - yes! you're right. i have the most wonderful, adorable, sweet, baby who has completely taken my heart, but that doesn't mean i don't ache because i am not giving her the sibling, a best friend, someone to boss around that i know she would be so good with.
"at least" makes is seem like we are discrediting them struggling to get through a trial. ugh. it's the worst. we all go through hard things and while one person's trial might seem harder than someone else's - it does not matter! at that point, that is all they know and so they are struggling just as much!
what can we do so that we are more empathetic? what are your thoughts?
i keep thinking of an experience i had with a friend. something in my life hadn't gone the way i was planning (shocking right?) & i was really upset. he came over to talk to me and asked if i wanted him to give me advice or if i just wanted him to listen. listening is powerful. we so often look for a good response, when just listening can be enough. like brene brown said, "the truth is, rarely can a response make something better."
"what makes something better is a connection." sometimes we just need someone to be sad with us. to mourn with us. to let us cry on their shoulder. just be there.
& please remember, "rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with 'at least'."
also - i think i need to go to the library and read everything by brene brown!
Friday, July 29, 2016
my hysterosalpingogram
A hysterosalpingogram or HSG "is an x-ray procedure used to see
whether the fallopian tubes are patent (open) and if the inside of the
uterus (uterine cavity) is normal."
since my tubes are open and getting pregnant is not my problem, i had the procedure done to make sure that my uterus had no abnormalities. my doctor was thinking that maybe i had a septate uterus. that would explain my miscarriages.
my hsg was wednesday morning. i was pretty anxious as my research had shown that this can be very uncomfortable and cause camping. if you don't know, i have a severe fear of pain. pretty sure i can handle pain, it's just the thought that freaks me out. plus, before i had rooney, my doctor tried to break my water (several times) and that was pretty traumatizing.
i was in tears and holding the nurse's hand (she was the sweetest) as we started, anticipating what was going to happen. but, i handled it like a champ! & was pleasantly surprised at how little it really bothered me. i did take a midol about half an hour before going to the doctor so i definitely recommend that.
as i watched the dye go into my uterus and through my fallopian tubes, i could tell that my uterus is just right.
so perfect uterus & normal blood tests means we still don't know why. when i told my doctor i was hoping that the hsg would give us something to fix, he told me to hold of and hope that the next procedure is the one that we want to give us answers.
my next step is an endometrial biopsy and it will happen around august 16th. doctor said this can be just as unpleasant as the hsg, but way faster. lots of prayers that this gets us closer to bringing another baby into our family here on earth.
since my tubes are open and getting pregnant is not my problem, i had the procedure done to make sure that my uterus had no abnormalities. my doctor was thinking that maybe i had a septate uterus. that would explain my miscarriages.
my hsg was wednesday morning. i was pretty anxious as my research had shown that this can be very uncomfortable and cause camping. if you don't know, i have a severe fear of pain. pretty sure i can handle pain, it's just the thought that freaks me out. plus, before i had rooney, my doctor tried to break my water (several times) and that was pretty traumatizing.
i was in tears and holding the nurse's hand (she was the sweetest) as we started, anticipating what was going to happen. but, i handled it like a champ! & was pleasantly surprised at how little it really bothered me. i did take a midol about half an hour before going to the doctor so i definitely recommend that.
as i watched the dye go into my uterus and through my fallopian tubes, i could tell that my uterus is just right.
so perfect uterus & normal blood tests means we still don't know why. when i told my doctor i was hoping that the hsg would give us something to fix, he told me to hold of and hope that the next procedure is the one that we want to give us answers.
my next step is an endometrial biopsy and it will happen around august 16th. doctor said this can be just as unpleasant as the hsg, but way faster. lots of prayers that this gets us closer to bringing another baby into our family here on earth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)