rotten eggs

struggling to stay pregnant has opened up doors for me, forever connected me to people who were just acquaintances, & strengthened my relationships with already forever friends. it hasn't been my favorite journey, but if it allows me to feel & show empathy towards others or even help someone along their journey, it helps me through my grieving process. it is my silver lining through this trial.


i was chatting with a friend who has been trying to get pregnant for a long time. she is one of my sister's best childhood friends & so she has always seemed like a little sister to me. it breaks my heart that she is going through this. infertility is an ugly, unfair thing.


anyway, she recently saw a specialist & is getting ready to do the tests that i had done this summer. we were discussing them & praying that they give her answers. i told her that none of my tests revealed anything, but it is probably because i just have rotten eggs.


so, ever since then, my rotten eggs have been on my mind. & it caused me to think back on an episode of new girl from season 2. in it, jess & cece visit their friend who also is an obgyn. she tells them something along the lines of everyone's quality of eggs is different. jess & cece get the blood test to find out how their eggs are.


as i watched this episode back in 2012, i had no reason to think the quality of my eggs would be anything less than perfect. in fact, when cece found out her eggs weren't so great & her years of fertility were limited, i didn't feel much because it was just a tv show. of course, now, that episode pulls at my heart.


i know that both rooney & baby brother are miracles, my sweet rainbow babies. i am 2 for 5 so far & i know i am no doctor, but 60% of my eggs seem to be not so quality. there isn't much doctors can do to help with it - no hormones to give me that will magically make them better. it breaks my heart, knowing that i will probably struggle with miscarriages the entire time we try to have children.


so, while i may be pregnant right now, my heart is never far from those who struggle. i think of & pray for these women often. i know i will be there again in years to come. i find strength in the mamas i have talked to who have had multiple losses between children - yet have still created good sized, strong, beautiful families.


& that is my little rant on my lame eggs (which, obviously, make my sticky, quality ones so absolutely amazing) & the struggles of family making.