guster's THIRD birthday!

MAY 18, 2020

I haven't been much at keeping my blog since Gus was born. Suddenly he is THREE!

Lucky for me, he doesn't expect much and is happy as long as we are having a good time - and a good time was definitely had for our birthday boy.

The Fort Smith Police Department is allowing you to call and set up visits from police officers for birthdays. I of course took advantage of this awesome service and scheduled a visit for Gus on Saturday night. The kind officer ran his sirens as he came down the street & sang happy birthday over his PA. Then he brought a gift up to Gus & chatted with us for a bit. Turns out he grew up in Murrieta and was surprised to see my (760) phone number. His visit very exciting & Gus still talks about it.

After the police visit, we went to the Mortensens. It was our first family outing since quarantine began. The kids had so much fun & we never wanted to leave.

Gus is really into spiderman, so we made sure to get him a spiderman cake. An acquaintance out here did such a fantastic job on the cake & Gus loved it. The Lambs joined us at our house for hot dogs & cake.

My Guster James, You are a bundle of high-energy joy. Your nursery leaders said it best when they told me that you are the first to give someone a hug when they are crying, but then will turn around & push another friend in the back. You love all the fruit, blippi, superheros - but especially SPIDERMAN, & jumping on the trampoline. You are the toughest rough & tumble boy, yet you are always down for a good snuggle. You are officially potty trained & love to tell us about all your toilet happenings. You love your sisters & want to be just like your dad. I could listen to your chatter all day & lucky for me - you are pretty much always talking. You melt my heart with your big blue eyes, mop of thick straight hair, & adorable smile. I can never stay mad at you & we are so blessed to have you in our family.

 

rooney's FIFTH birthday!

MARCH 18, 2020

i can hardly believe it.

my little rooney ann is five years old! & i am so proud of the sweet girl she has become. her birthday happened just as we went into quarantine - meaning we celebrated with just our little family. 

now, rooney has some high expectations for birthdays. she always has - i remember two year old rooney telling me she wanted a doc mcstuffins birthday & listing everything that she expected. she likes to celebrate hard. we talked about coronavirus & how that meant no birthday party with friends, which was a sad concept for our people loving girl, but she decided starting with breakfast in bed would make it a little better. she told me exactly what breakfast she wanted & still her eyes lit up when i walked in the next morning. i got up early to make her food & it was oh so very worth it.

i attempted a rainbow balloon backdrop. it didn't quite turn out the way i hoped, but it was good enough for my special girl. she wanted all things gold & unicorn & requested a special strawberry cake. it was magical. i hope she has fond memories of her simple quarantined fifth birthday.

 

my rooney ann. you are more that i could have ever imagined having in a daughter. you are talented - watching you draw, sing, dance, & create fills my heart. you love to play "spies" & sneaking around the house. you have snuck up on dad a few times & it is too fun to watch. you are the first to help & love your siblings fiercely. you are quick to join in group hugs & never stop telling us all how much you love us. you are obsessed with all the disney musicals (descendants, zombies, high school musical) & want to grow up to be a rockstar. you dream of going to an art school where you can live all the drama you see on tv (thanks victorious). i loveeeeee you with all my heart, my beautiful, smart, kind, clever, & loving girl.

ramona's birth story

november 19, 2019

i got up early early that morning. the c section was scheduled for 7:00am so we had to be at the hospital at 5:00am. i wanted to take a nice, pamper myself type shower. it was so calm, but my heart was pounding - i was going into a major surgery (still scary, even though it was my third. you always think about all those "what ifs") AND i was hours away from holding our newest family member in my arms!

my parents had flown in a few days earlier and dad came with us to the hospital for documentation purposes. my mom would join us with the kids around 7:15 so that they would all be there by the time we made it back into my room. so, we get into our room in l&d. i meet the nurses and the anesthesiologist. they monitor baby and everything is looking good. then a nurse comes in around 6:45 with a catheter! i beg her to wait until i have received my spinal block, but she reassures me that my surgery is just minutes away and this is normal. you guys. i admit that i have some trauma when it comes to catheters because of rooney's delivery, but i do not think it is standard procedure to put anyone through the pain of a catheter if they are about to have a spinal block or epidural. let me know if i am wrong. anyway, i was mad at this nurse. i was in tears. i was so uncomfortable. it was awful. and i think i have a pretty good pain tolerance (remember that one time my fallopian tube burst and i hardly felt it?). they kept reassuring me that it was just for a little...

but then my doctor was an hour and a half late. yep. my 7:00 surgery didn't happen until after 8:30. tuesdays weren't her normal surgery day - she forgot that we had scheduled my c section for that morning. so. i felt that dang catheter for nearly two hours. i was so uncomfortable. and my mom and the kids had shown up which made things a little chaotic. they were planning to be there just in time for me and the baby to be rolled back into the room. instead, we had over an hour to kill with no new baby.

then the doctor showed up and things began to move. they had ashton hang back and they told him to put on the getup while they took me into the operating room. they had me climb out of the bed and onto the operating table (with the dang catheter ughhhh (last time i mention it, i promise)). the anesthesiologist gave me my block and laid me down. i was immediately nauseated and felt like there was an elephant on my chest, both things i hadn't experienced with my previous c sections. and as soon as i couldn't feel my legs, they were opening me up. you guys, ashton wasn't even in the room yet. i remember the anesthesiologist holding up a tin for me to throw up in and i was mumbling about ashton not being there! i got a cold compress put on my head and eventually ashton made it. he says that he walked in and i was already all opened up! 

then i heard that beautiful cry & someone said, "it's a girl!" ashton's face was one of disbelief as he said, "no way!" he thought for sure we were having another boy. 

***side story. i later found out that he had looked at the screen during our ultrasound and had seen the tabs along the top for all the different body parts. he saw one that said "it's a boy!" and assumed, that meant we were having a boy. makes sense right? he kept that secret from me for 4 whole months! & it contributed to his genuine shock that we had another girl! which is exactly what rooney had been praying for.***

they don't do, or hadn't heard of, gentle c-sections here which was really sad for me. they made sure to show me ramona's little face over the blue curtain before they wrapped all 7 pounds, 11 ounces, and 19 3/4 inches of her up. i don't really remember much after that. ashton took ramona to the waiting room to meet family, but they weren't there. they had taken the kids to the cafeteria for some snacks. i was taken to recovery and waited in an empty room for everyone to join me. ashton and ramona beat my parents and the kids. it is safe to say, we were all immediately smitten. she was and continues to be the cutest, sweetest, rolliest baby.

our stay at the hospital was short - they only let you stay for 48 hours after a c section. with rooney and gus, we always stayed three nights and had the option for a fourth. but that turned out ok because hospital stays here are nothing like they were in utah. the rooms and bathrooms are old - like i didn't want to even shower kind of old. there was no nursery, so i never got more than an hour of sleep at a time. she was born on tuesday and by lunch on thursday, we were home.

i also didn't get to recover like i was used to. i wasn't able to get up as quickly as i was used to and there wasn't much space to walk. but! i will say, that i had no bruising and my incision looks fantastic.

luckily, my parents stayed out until she was a week old and then ashton's parents came. amazingly enough, the smiths walked off the plane as my parents walked on to the same one. then ashton didn't take paternity leave until his parents went home, so we got him home all the way through christmas eve. it was perfect and i definitely needed all hands on deck that first month of three kids.

it wasn't my favorite birth (i think gus's will take that award) or the most emotional (reading rooney's birth story still makes me cry), but i am so glad that ramona is here safe and healthy. we cannot remember life before her - she just fits so wonderfully in our family.

ramona's pregnancy

as with every pregnancy, i am very hesitant after the positive test.

i got very sick around 5 weeks - i am pretty sure it was a few days long stomach bug, but it then led right into the worst morning sickness i have had so far. it is nothing compared to what some go through but ugh, it was awful and lasted until after 20 weeks.

then, at 12 weeks, just before gus's second birthday, my parents came to visit. i started bleeding. i was beside myself, sure i was miscarrying. i couldn't get out of bed. i couldn't stop crying. it was a saturday, so we set up an appointment for monday. the bleeding came heavy and then would stop. then it would appear again.

i had an ultrasound that monday, but everything looked fine! baby was busy. they told me it was probably a subchorionic hemorrhage, though they couldn't find the tear. because they couldn't see where the blood had come from, they told me that was probably the last of it.

of course, it wasn't. and i was back in the doctors office a few days later. baby was just fine and my obgyn told me that the blood obviously wasn't bothering my baby. she also told me that this didn't mean i would miscarry and that i could keep doing what i was doing - baby was growing and i had two babies at home who still needed me. i appreciated her point of view, she is very much it is all in God's hand type, but i need to know i am doing everything i can to protect my baby. so, after consulting some friends, i decided to take it easy. i was on a modified bedrest and i kept bleeding until 17 weeks. and baby started kicking hard enough for me to feel around 14 weeks, which was very reassuring.

at 20 weeks, we went in for the anatomy scan. everything looked great. baby was healthy, strong, and growing.

AND we decided not to find out the gender. ashton was not a big fan of this at the beginning. he really wanted to know, but i knew that if he had found out, there would definitely have been a slip up. i have to admit - some days not knowing was really hard, but overall i HIGHLY recommend it. because, it was so worth it.

trying to get pregnant again

at the end of 2018, we still weren't pregnant. which wasn't our norm - trying for so long without success. if you've read my previous posts, you can see why that was so hard.

so, i can now understand infirtility in the aspece of someone who is miscarrying often and someone who can't get pregnant.

i went and saw the doctor who had done my ectopic surgery a few weeks after the surgery, june/july of 2018. i asked him if i would need to have an hsg done, something that i had read most doctors require after ectopic pregnancies & a procedure i had done before. he told me it wasn't necessary because they had removed my entire tube. i went with it.

months continued to come and go. along with my period. like clockwork. & each month i found myself mourning a pregnancy that hadn't happened.

i continued to do research. there is so much that i just did not know! did you know that women have a dominant overy? did you know that they don't alternate dropping eggs every other month?! whichever side has the "queen egg" gets to drop that month! i had no idea. and how was i to know if my left ovary was my dominant one or not - obviously that would mess with my opportunity to get pregnant if it kept dropping eggs and there was not fallopian tube to guide it to my uterus. then there were articles that said one fallopian tube could move its arm over to the other side to possibly catch a ready egg. it is all quite fascinating and deserves a lot more research on my part - maybe someday.

anyway, 2018 wrapping up. the doctor who had done my surgery told me i would be back in a few months, pregnant. but it had been over six months and nothing.

i called a different doctor - one who comes highly recommended by the doctors in our ward. getting in to see her was like jumping through hoops. back in may 2018, when i knew something was wrong with my pregnancy, i had called her to try and schedule an appointment. they needed my pap history (something no other doctor had ever required before seeing me) which meant i had to call utah. they needed a signed release so i had to go in to the doctors office here and fill out a form that they faxed to my utah doctor. it was such a mess. and by the time they had gotten back to me i had already lost my baby and my tube and wanted nothing to do with them.

by october of 2018 and still not pregnant, i called the recommended obgyn again. i had to cry for an appointment because they didn't have my pap history anymore (seriously healthcare in arkansas is crazy). they got me in after thanksgiving. i finally talked to my new obgyn and she rolled her eyes when i told her my surgery doctor told me i did not need an hsg. she told me that it is something she recommends after every surgery in/around your uterus and i had had a c section and ectopic since my last one. that was scheduled for february 27th.

i figured that since i had already experienced an hsg, it would be no big deal. i was wrong. in utah, the nurse came and held my hand. she was there with me. here, it was very cold, sterile, and lonely. and it hurt much worse. turned out that all my scar tissue had adhered my cervic shut! sorry for the tmi, but suddenly why i wasn't getting pregnant made sense.

and guess what. the next cycle, we got a positive pregnancy test!

picture taken March 21st, 2019

lately

it has been over a year since i have come here to record about our life/my thoughts and i know that i am going to wish i had recorded more.

so...

here i am.

we have been in quarantine for two plus months.

we added another beautiful girl to our family in november.

we have been living in our little house for over a year now and love it even more than we did on the first day. we have done a few projects with it - pictures and a post to come - and continue to dream up more projects.

we made it through major flooding of our area. we watched as our ward and stake and city came together and serve those who were affected.

we experienced our first tornado touchdown in our city - it's been a year and the kids are still traumatized. they see clouds and immediately ask if there will be a tornado.

i have cut back on teaching online (by choice) and have really not had the time i would like for hoops&threads.

hopefully, i will be better about coming here to write about our happenings - my nostalgic soul misses having a place to come to remember past events.

that time we bought a house

oh heyyyy!

it's me. tati. 

life has been C-R-A-Z-Y!

i am teaching with VIPKID & gogokid. both are great. & i am actually not letting myself wake up before 5:30, so my class load has been fairly small. BUT, still! waking up at 5:30 am is kind of crazy. also, as much as a dread waking up so early in the morning, seeing those sweet little faces makes me so happy. it is worth it. it is good to be teacher tati.

i started teaching preschool. WHAT?! i know! it is small - five kids (one of them being mine) for two hours, twice a week. i was super nervous to take it on & told myself a few months ago that this was something i would never do, but it just fell into my lap & i LOVE it. i love these kids. rooney loves having friends come to her house. & teaching in my own "classroom" came back so naturally. i like being miss tati.

i just got released as a counselor in the relief society & am now a counselor in young womens. i really enjoyed my time in relief society & i am so grateful for the year i spent there. but, i am so very excited to give the young women all of my love! it is going to be so much fun.

our lease (that we have extended 5 months) is coming up & i want fort smith to feel like home. i don't want to share a wall with neighbors. i want a backyard. i want a place that i am excited to be in while we are here. i do like fort smith & i want to like my home. so, we started looking at home, just to see if we wanted to buy or rent. we checked to see what we would qualify for & that was sort of a mistake/but also a blessing because then we were getting phone calls & ashton felt like we had to follow through & got all stressed. 

it started on feb 1. with the may house. i absolutely fell in love with its pictures on zillow. that saturday i decided we needed to look at it, but we didn't have a realtor. we eventually met joseph who scheduled a visit for sunday, the third. oh my gosh. i did not sleep saturday night. i had all these plans for the house before we even walked through the doors. but then, we went. it is still the cutest house, but not what we were looking for. my first heartbreak in this home search journey.

we found four other houses we wanted to visit. the first one was pending since that morning. of course. it was the first one ashton was really interested in. the second one had an offer, but was willing to take back ups. we liked that one mostly because its backyard backed up to the yard of friends in our ward. the third one, (urban view) joseph was able to schedule an appointment, but warned us that it did have an escape clause. the fourth one, fern, was one that aston & i both loved the look of & both of us had driven by a few times, but of course, it was under contract. 

so monday, we went & saw urban view. we liked it! it was a good fit for us. there were a few things we knew we were going to need to fix immediately, like put a fence up around the yard, but it was cute. the kitchen was big & bright! all the rooms had light coming into them - the kitchen had the most, which is something our rental really lacked. 

we put an offer on urban view on wednesday (the 6th) morning. because of an escape clause, we had to wait THREE excruciating days to hear back. friday morning, joseph called with the most devastating news. you guys. i sobbed for a good hour.

then i asked joseph about fern, because i saw that on zillow it was listed as for sale again, no longer pending. he told me that the realtor for fern called him the day we put the offer on urban view saying that the previous contract had fallen through & it was available again. he told her that we had just placed on offer on another place & that was that. when he told me, i said something along the lines of, "yes! we want to see it asap!" so he met us there at 10:45. when i got out of the car, he said, "tati, god knows what he is doing. you didn't get urban view, because he knew you needed fern." i get the chills just thinking about that moment. we walked in & it felt like home. it is beautiful. so much better than any of the previous houses we had looked at. & the yard! it is giant & will be so much fun for the kids. we had a contract written up & ashton was able to sign it before going to work at 1:00. AMAZING. he did tell us that the house had 6 more showings over the next few days...

we gave them until saturday (the 9th) at 6:00 to give us an answer. i was so stressed/anxious all day. i couldn't eat. i couldn't drink. i was an absolute wreck. at 5:55, they sent us a counter & let us know that they were expecting another offer so you better know we got on that one quickly!

it wasn't easy. there was a lot of back and forth and attempts at compromise. it was exhausting. emotional. but we knew, we KNEW, this was our house and it was amazing to feel confident in that.

we closed on march 8th. ashton worked until that tuesday, so our moving date was planned for tuesday. ashton just coud not wait, so half of it was moved on Saturday the 9th after ashton got home from work and the rest was moved on monday the 11th after work. the kiesels were the only reason we were able to make it all work. so grateful for them!

then, our fridge was supposed to come on the 12th. of course, it didn't show up until the 16th - half an hour before Rooney's fourth birthday party. it was ridiculous.

but now, we are here! we are settling in & loving it as much as we hoped.

& that is how the house became ours.

pregnancy & infant loss remembrance

so, the majority of my posts the last few years have been about my experiences through pregnancy loss. i feel like i am on this soapbox A LOT & for a while, i was feeling guilty about it. but why? i think i worry people get so sick of hearing about this seemingly constant trial i am going through, but i have had so many people reach out to me because they are going through something similar. & let me tell you - that has been the best healer for me. to be able to help other women just by talking.

october is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance month. they say 1 in 4 women experience this loss. honestly, i think it is a lot more than that. i went through my closest friends & did the math.

- my mama & sisters 2 of 4 of us have experienced loss.
- my childhood friends 4 of 5 of us have experienced loss.
- my college/adult friends 4 of 5 of us have experienced loss.

these are just the women i am the very closest with & who been pregnant. that is A LOT of loss.

then there are the women who i have become close with through talking about my losses. some of these women were friends in high school or were in a class with me at BYU, some of them had previously just been acquaintances & a few of them are friends of my sisters. most of them i hadn't talked to for years. but they have now become my confidants, my go-to's during that time of month. we cheer each other on. we have each other's backs. we are bound together through empathy & these relationships are beautiful.



as most of you know, i recently had an ectopic pregnancy to add to pregnancy loss list. this one has thrown me a little because it physically altered my body (loss of my left fallopian tube) & i was not sure how that would affect our ability to get pregnant. when i asked my doctor here in arkansas if it would make it harder to get pregnant, he simply reassured me that i would be back in his office within a few months because i would be pregnant.

well. i am not. this

is the longest we have had to try, which if you do that math & count the months since my ectopic, it isn't that long. BUT, hear me out. this is the longest we have had to try by a few months, which feels like forever. & getting pregnant was never our hard part. our hard part is staying pregnant. so, it now appears that both might be hard which is extremely discouraging/makes me an emotional beast the week of my period (just ask anyone who talked to me at church last sunday (insert eyeroll emoji)).

as i have mentioned before, this time around is different because i am genuinely happy when i see others pregnant. i am so grateful for that. but it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt when i see a "we're pregnant" post or a mama snuggling a newborn. i so badly want that.

i will close this post with a picture i shared earlier this month on instagram:

October is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. Spreading awareness is something I have become passionate about, not just because it is all around us yet no one ever talks about it, but also because it helps heal me & bonds me to others who have experienced loss.

Two days after Mother’s Day and two days before Gus turned one, I lost another baby along with my left tube. I thought miscarriages were my trials and this ectopic hit me out of nowhere, so out of nowhere that I never really mourned. I just kept on living. This is the only picture I have from that day - just minutes before they took me into surgery.

I recently realized that I should be almost 7 months pregnant. Oh how I wish I had a cute little baby bump. It took 3 months, but I have finally mourned my loss. 

Over the 5 1/2 years of our marriage, I have been pregnant 6 times. I am sure many look at us, our two beautiful children, and think we have a perfect life. And we do. I am so blessed. And as much as I adore and absolutely LOVE Rooney and Guster, I have four angel babies that my heart longs to hold. 

Never assume. Never judge. We don’t know what people are going through. So make sure you love first.

hours in a day

do you ever feel like there just isn't enough time? that there are so many things you need to do, but so many more things you want to do? because, that is me. right now.


i need to do those everyday things - like manage my house (SO MUCH CLEANING), keep my kids alive & healthy, make meals, do laundry, etc. my chores. they take up a lot of my day.


the list of things i want to do can go on forever.

• scripture study. i have good intentions & i have my good days & my bad days, but it is not consistent. this really should be a need for me & hopefully, with sometime, it will get there.
• not just keep my kids alive, but make them happy (without the use of the TV). that's a current goal - lessen our screen time & IT IS HARD! how do i make food, clean, or even go to the bathroom without the tv?!!! my kids are at my feet the minute that thing is off. we have started listening to music, books on tape, doing puzzles, & i recently bought some blocks. but guess what - that is more for me to clean!!! also, i want to play with them more. i want to spend more time being focused on just them (not them & mac 'n cheese on the stove...).
•  what do you guys do? what are your favorite open ended/imagination inspiring toys? please help.
• read - i have a new obsession with reading. i am currently reading Anne of the Island, Educated, & Girl, Wash Your Face. ALL of them have me enthralled. i cannot stop.
• VIPKID. so i actually got hired 19 days ago. cool. but no one was signing up for my classes. until this morning. i forgot to turn off the short notice option, so i happened to look at my phone at 6:50 this morning and i had a notification that said, "you have a class in 10 minutes." WHAT???!!! guys. it was a mad rush & i think it went ok, but it as thrown me through a loop today. also, i really want to do this. i want to have a little extra income to put towards my dreams - mostly traveling. also, can we talk about how much this will take over my mornings, the only time i feel productive? & there is still so much prep i feel i need to do before each class.
• exercise. it makes such a difference & i love starting my morning that way, but it doesn't always. honestly, my health is something i am working on. i am trying to eat ALL the veggies - so send me all your favorite veggie recipes please. i was doing so well with exercise before my ectopic & then i sort of melted during recovery (which was so hard - both physically, mentally, oh, & emotionally too). it has taken me a lot to get back into a regular workout & i am keeping it calm with yoga, when i get around to working out.
• meditation. i am so intrigued by meditation. it is something i would love to incorporate into my day. i mean, 5 minutes. i can do 5 minutes a day right? ya...
• family home evening. family prayer. family scripture study. we always say we will do them before bedtime, but you guys, 7:00 rolls around and i am in a mad dash mode to get my kids in bed so i can chill.
• embroider. remember how i was doing hoops&threads? ya. it has been a month since i last embroidered anything & i miss it.
• watch shows with ashton, doing nothing, after the kids go to bed. this is our thing. it is how we unwind together before bed.
• write posts in my blog. i don't do it often. i am no necessarily good at it. & i do not have a following, but i have lots of thoughts in my head that i would like to get out somewhere. which also leads to how i should probably keep a journal, too. so many things.
• shower, put make up on, take care of my hair, my face, my nails, etc.

you guys. there's a lot of good stuff on my want list. how do i get it in? i feel like i need to wake up at 5 (i am available to teach from 6 to 8) & go to bed at midnight if i want to do any of this. also, give up social media & my evening tv time. i remember elder bednar's good, better, best & will probably go read that after this, but how do you guys do it? do i just pick one evening a week to focus on one thing? is it easier once kids are in school? do you have a time saving trick? tell me! 

please?

the aftermath

the tati after miscarriages was bitter, sad, & heartbroken. i couldn't be around anyone who was expecting without feeling that twinge of jealousy. being that way was hard & i hated those feeling. i knew they weren't good, but i couldn't help it. even after my successful pregnancies, i continued to almost roll my eyes when another mom so easily got pregnant. i would instantly count how many months apart their babies would be - like that would tell me if they struggled or not & worthy of my happiness. i am now rolling my eyes at myself. ugh.


but this loss, while harder physically than even my c-sections, has been a completely different experience. i am sad, but not heartbroken. i mean, really, 25% of women experience a miscarriage - i have had 3. only 1 to 2% of pregnancies are ectopic & even less lose a fallopian tube due to rupture. when i look at those stats, i do wonder why me & every time i get ready to be mad at Heavenly Father for putting me through another loss, i am overwhelmed by the love He has shown me through this entire ordeal.


-  my parents. they made plans in february to come see us for gus's first birthday. in february, they bought plane tickets to get in to fort smith on the 15th. i even told them they could fly into okc or tulsa & we would come get them, but no, they flew to fort smith. & what a blessing! i went to the ER on the morning of the 15th. they got to my house just a few hours after my surgery. if they hadn't been here that first week post-op, i probably would have needed ashton to stay home from work. plus, who doesn't need their mom when life is hard?


-  dinners. i am so grateful to my wonderful ministering sisters & a relief society president who is so quick to serve.


- flowers. never underestimate the power of flowers. they can bring so much joy & no one can ever have enough. it might be a simple gesture, but it's telling someone that you are thinking of them & that means the word.


- wonderful grandma fry passed away on May 23rd & she is so missed. when my mother in law told us, she said, "i can't help but think she is with your babies right now, getting to know them." those words resonated in my heart. i felt not only grandma fry there, but my grandma thorkelson too. they are surrounded by family & i will have eternity to raise them.


- the biggest tender mercy (tied with my parents being here, of course) was the disappearance of jealousy. i even helped throw a baby shower a week later & did it happily! i have had a few friends call to tell me they are expecting and i experienced true happiness for them. i even told a friend that finally my loss doesn't outweigh someone else's joy.


as far as my baby though, i am still numb. i knew for nearly 2 weeks that i was pregnant before i went to the ER. i had plenty of time to dream and plan for my January 9th baby. we had names picked. we had already discussed the need for a minivan. & while i was hesitant like i always am early in pregnancy, i felt good, peaceful, & secure in this new pregnancy.


but, here i am...empty.

empty, but not mourning. i haven't had a real good cry & i keep going back & forth on how i feel about that. with every miscarriage, i have cried for a good week. i miss baby, but i feel ok. maybe i am used to the loss part? part of me worries that it means i didn't have a relationship with this little one & that terrifies me. but as i sit here, writing these words, i know that isn't true. sweet baby is there, with my other babies gone too soon & the sweet angels waiting to come to us. i am so proud that i was chosen to help their sweet little spirits gain bodies. it is such a tender mercy to have this knowledge & a testimony in the eternal bonds of family.


my army in heaven continues to grow.

my ectopic experience

the evening before Mother's Day, May 12, 2018, i saw a bright red streak & defeatedly told Ashton that we were losing our baby. i kept waiting for the cramping to start, the clots to pass - i know how a miscarriage is supposed to go. but the bleeding stayed light & inconsistent & the cramping never came.


that night, i woke up to a pain in my lower left abdomen. there was still a little bit of bright bleeding, but the pain was sharp & direct. i felt pressure & bloated. i reached out to mel (thanks girl for being awake at 2:00am!) we discussed the pain & she mentioned that it could be ectopic. i had recently read women describing their ectopic pregnancies on a facebook group & my pain didn’t match what they described. I eventually was able to fall back asleep & woke up the next morning feeling well enough to go to church.


no bleeding of cramping the rest of sunday & monday.


i called multiple OB's & clinics. no one would see me since i wasn't an established patient. it was unbelievably frustrating, to say the least. i knew i was pregnant, knew i wasn't miscarrying, but i also knew that something wasn't right. everyone told me to go to the ER, but i was feeling ok & not up for forking over $150. i even called the nurses line for my OB in Utah & explained my symptoms. she took my information to my doctor & called me back to tell me that he wanted to get me in for hcg blood draws & an ultrasound at the appropriate time. it was then that i had to sheepishly tell  her that we had moved, i couldn't get an OB to seem me, but i wanted to get an opinion before going to the ER. i even cried as i told her how much i missed them - i will blame pregnancy hormones.


at 5:30 am on tuesday morning (May 15th), a loud roar of thunder woke me up. i realized that pain was back. i sat up. went to the bathroom. walked around. the pain stayed. i said a prayer asking for the pain to be strong enough for me to go to the ER if i needed to.


the pain quickly got stronger. i couldn't sit up. i had to stay standing. my stomach was unbelievably swollen. i got ashton up to give me a blessing. i pumped while i was standing (couldn't leave gus without milk/i didn't want to be leaking at the hospital).

then, i drove myself to the hospital. big bolts of lightning flew across the sky as a pink sunrise began to appear. it was awe inspiring & my heart was calm.


i got to the hospital around 6:10. the nurses seemed skeptical when they checked me in.

"why do you think you're miscarrying?" 

"um. actually, i am not so sure that i am. i just know that something is wrong. i have miscarried before, but this time it's different."

"when was your last period?"

"August of 2016. i am still nursing my son."

the looks i got from that last answer!

"are you sure you're pregnant?"

"yes. i took a test 10 days ago."

they got me to a room. drew some blood. got a urine sample. i waited. the pain started to fade & i was worried that i had come for no reason. a kind doctor came in & talked with me. he felt my abdomen & the pain on my left side was wince worthy.

around 7:50, there was an ultrasound. she couldn't see much so she asked me to empty my bladder & did the longest transvaginal ultrasound ever. i could tell that she concentrated on my left side & it wasn't my favorite.


more waiting & around 8:30, the kind doctor was back. he explained that my hcg levels were at 4000. an embryo can typically be spotted between 1000 & 1200, but nothing was in my uterus, but there was  a 5 cm mass just outside of my left ovary. an OB (ironically enough, one that i called just the day before) would come to talk to me about the next step. it was most likely an ectopic pregnancy, but they couldn't say for sure.


shortly after, the doctor came back & said that the OB was stuck in a surgery, but would like me to go to pre-pop where he would meet me & explain what was happening. all the doctor would tell me was that i would be having a procedure.


around 8:50 both my ER & pre-op nurses came in & i was not at all ready to go for surgery. they were rushing me for an IV & getting me in a gown. they were also surprised that i was alone & said i should get ashton there ASAP. since ashton wasn't there to take my belongings, security had to be called to hold onto it for me. my angel husband got the kids dressed, ready & to pre-op within half an hour!


more waiting, but now in pre-op. nurses kept talking about this procedure, but no one could tell me what it was.

the OB made it in & pulled up pictures of my ultrasound. fallopian tubes are about the width of a pencil & the embryo in my left  tube was 7cm. he said it was definitely ectopic & that they would go in laparoscopically via three incisions - one in my belly button & two lower, along my c-section incision. they were hopeful to make two cuts into my tube & pull the embryo out, but if my tube had ruptured, it would also need to be removed.


ashton & i were told that the surgery would be finished in about 30-45 minutes. shorter if all went well, longer if  the tube had ruptured. ashton took the kids to the waiting room.


minutes later, the OB came back & said, "you're a pretty tough person huh?" i was a little confused & said something along the lines of, "ya, i think so." thinking he was referring to my history with pregnancy loss & how well i was holding it all together. he then told me that i had about 300 cc's of blood in my stomach. my tube had definitely ruptured & would need to be removed. he was shocked that i wasn't in more pain.


the anesthesiologist came out & within 5 minutes, things were out of focus. i barely remember moving onto the operating table - something about a pink cushion that my bum had to be below?? then i was waking up with this faint memory of pushing nurses off of me & struggling to breathe. apparently, i asked my nurse all the same questions over & over (she was obviously annoyed) & i was insanely thirsty.


my nurse helped me use the restroom & then i was being wheeled to the car. talking to ashton now - that whole surgery/recovery took about two hours.


my ectopic experience was not at all like those of the women who have shared on various LDS mom facebook groups that i belong to. many of them described unbearable pain - like throwing up from pain. an ulstrasound tech said that she can tell just by looking at a patient that it's ectopic because they are sickly pale with dark circles around their eyes. i don't think anyone would have been able to look at me & tell that something was wrong.


----------------------------------------------------------

it's been just over two month since everything happened & since i wrote most of this post. there is still some of that numb feeling.

when i went into my follow up appointment, my OB kept saying things like "if you had taken a step too hard, things could have changed drastically in seconds" or "it was a good thing you got to the hospital when you did because you were a time bomb just seconds from going off". i still can't believe that i had gotten to that point. like i said earlier, i just didn't feel like things were that bad.

life has kept going. it has kept me busy. being down a fallopian tube hasn't changed much, at least not yet. i might say differently when it comes time for us to try getting pregnant. & then again - how much of it will be because i do miscarry often vs. only having one fallopian tube? my OB doesn't think having one tube will make much of a difference. he also told me he has a feeling he will see me again in a few months because of a positive test, so let's hope that comes true!

one last thing. this will probably be the hardest part about having had an ectopic pregnancy. as soon as i get that positive pregnancy test, i have to come in and begin blood work & early ultrasounds. this is because once you have had an ectopic, you are more likely to have another. well, because of my miscarriages, i have tried to put off having an appointment until 10 weeks. in my experience, when i go in at 8 weeks & we look at the ultrasound, doctors always say something along the lines of "you must not be as far along as you thought because there is no fetus yet, just a sac." but that is what happens with blighted ovums & within a few weeks, i am miscarrying. so...yay for doctors being proactive, but boo for knowing i am going to miscarry around 6 weeks & having to go 4 more weeks anticipating it happening. hopefully, this isn't the case. hopefully, i go in at 6 weeks and hcg tests double as they should & everything goes smoothly. hopefully.

life in fort smith

fort smith has now been our home for three whole months & it really has started to feel like home.


life here is slower. traffic is almost non-existent (except for on the one major street we have). there isn't a whole ton to do - no aquarium, zoo, kids museums, etc. we have one target & seven walmarts (this is arkanasas after all). there are quite a few parks & we even have a water park, but none of that is useful for the winter. we have learned to let go of costco and embrace sam's club. we find ways to keep busy - library, play dates, running errands, coming up with activities to do at home...


we recently got passes to a children's museum about an hour and a half north. we went last week & rooney loved it so much, we had to get one. i imagine we will try to go once or twice a month.


our ward is full of amazing people who have welcomed us in. a few women do a preschool for an hour once a week & rooney is always talking about her "school". i was called as the relief society compassionate service leader, which has forced me to get out of my little comfort zone & get to know people.


ashton has settled in with work. he has sundays & mondays off & his hours are a little different day to day. he is really enjoying being in the tower & training. he is doing a great job.


things are different here & we still have some adjusting to do - i think getting used to not being close to family will take the longest, but we are so happy to be where we are.

just a stay at home mom

since moving, there have been a few instances where people have asked me what i do for a living. i have always replied: "Oh, I am just a stay at home mom."


just?! JUST?!!!


i can't believe that came out of my mouth. what i really should have done is proudly say, "I am a stay at home mom of two kids & i am amazing"


i have dreamed of being a mom since i was a child, so why do i suddenly feel like i can put my role down?


i had worked part time after having rooney & it was hard, but having a break from my kid was actually really nice, even if i was working. at work my schedule was determined by me, i got to talk to adults, & i never had to share my food. now, i am not saying being a working mom is easy, because IT IS NOT.


but being a stay at home mom is not easy either. & i think people often just assume SAHMs have it simple - play with kids, cook some food, & hang out all day long. hahahahaha that couldn't be further from the truth. i spend all day running around like a chicken with its head cut off. it is not a pretty sight.


i am almost always bra-less around the house, in sweats & a baggy shirt, hair in a pony, no makeup & that's as glam as i get. that does something to your self-esteem. at least i get a shower in everyday, right?


my day consists of constant thoughts of what i need to be doing. for example:


while i am working out, i am thinking about what to make the kids for breakfast. as i am showering, my thoughts go to what is the weather, how do i appropriately dress my kids. then i step out of the shower to ashton who has to run to work and a crying gus. i nurse guster all the while thinking of something fun to do with rooney today when i see a sock on the floor which reminds me that i have laundry in both the washer & dryer. so i fold one load as i try to read rooney a christmas story while gus sleeps. then i am working for my dad so i start that & of course gus wakes up 10 minutes in. he is poopy & they both need a bath, so i take a break to bathe the babies, which is sort of a circus. once they are clean, smell good, & dressed, we head back downstairs. i am holding gus on my lap, reaching out to my computer perched on the couch arm (because little man can literally reach anything & will push off my lap to get to my computer), trying to edit some company names, & asking rooney to hold on because she is obviously ready for lunch, but doesn't know what she wants to eat. she asks me to list off all of her options, but picks ramen, she is always picking ramen these days. i make her some ramen while gus is screaming in his stander. i run between the stove, gus, & my computer - trying to get it all done. i go to get rooney a bowl and realize the dishwasher needs to be unloaded. i put that on my mental "to do" list for later today, get her some ramen as quickly as possible so that i can nurse gus who is so ready for a nap. while i am nursing him, i realize today is the 14th, there is book club tonight & all of the hoops that i want to ship out for christmas need to be in the mail within FIVE days! eventually, gus gets down for nap, rooney shortly follows after frosting a sugar cookie that we made yesterday (legit the best, softest, chewiest cookies & frosting), & i finally eat lunch - which makes me start thinking about what on earth i am going to make for dinner. it's only 12:30.

i need to: unload the dishes, fold more laundry, make my bed/tidy up the room, clean the kitchen (still a flour mess from our cookies yesterday - did i mention they are amazing?! & so worth the mess), go to the post office, finish an 8" hoop that will easily require 6 more hours + so many more little nativity ornaments (& really, i would love to turn hoops&threads into something more, but that also requires more time), make dinner (hopefully leftovers are good with everyone because i need easy), maybe go to book club?, keep my kids entertained, happy, & alive for the rest of the day, & address/stamp/send out all our christmas cards.


sometimes, i get sad thinking about all the things i want to do, but never feel like i will be able to get to because life is so buys right now. & i know, i know, that someday i will miss these days so i really do try to enjoy every single minute of the crazy.


my brain is in a constant state of chaos. i am always multitasking. & i am pretty much exhausted all the time. when ashton gets home from work, i physically, mentally, & emotionally crash. the poor man.


so i am no longer "just" a stay at home mom.


i AM a stay at home mom, i am so blessed to be a SAHM. this has always been my dream!

 & i do so much in one day, even if my house doesn't show it!

me with my little bosses who make all the chaos but also make it overwhelmingly worth it.

( s p i d e r ) stories

we lived in a basement before arkansas (ps! we're in arkansas!)

& with basements, you get spiders. even when your landlord (your fabulous in-laws) sprays regularly. i spent the majority of my husband-less summer without any spider sightings. until the last week or so.

IF YOU DECIDE TO READ ANY OF THESE, stories 1 & 4 are the best.

story 1:

it was midnight (you find your self staying up way past your 10:00 bedtime, plus it is the only time i got me time) & i was climbing into bed. i always turn my phone flashlight on because no husband + dark is very scary. as i was plugging my phone in, my light scanned over something moving in my room --- a big, scary, spider. i grabbed a sandal to take care of the spider, something i would normally never do, because you know, i normally have ashton.

the sneaky spider runs to the corner, where my sandal isn't able to reach him, or her? the corner of the sandal knocks the spider a big & CRAZY TINY LITTLE SPIDERS START TO SCATTER. baby spiders?! you've got to be kidding me.

it was a holiday so i was able to call ashton & not feel too bad about waking him up in the middle of the night. he told me to get the vacuum & we debated about it for awhile because i was worried mama spider & all those babies would disappear. i ran real fast. vacuumed it all up & immediately ran the vacuum outside. all of this while gus slept & stayed asleep.

story 2:

no joke. two days later, i go to pile my pillows on the other side of the bed so i can tuck in for bed. & a spider (bigger than mama and babies) is on a pillow! A SPIDER ON MY BED. ON MY BEDDDD!!! what? this isn't allowed. and it's not somewhere i can just smash it. i couldn't wake ashton up this time, so i called sydney, bless her heart. she told me to get a cup and just capture the spider between the cup and pillow and run the cup outside.

i did it. and thought that i could just tip the spider in the cup & carefully let it out. HA. i tossed the cup and nearly lost the pillow. i threw the cup outside & the pillow on the floor in the kitchen, slammed the door, & ran away. the cup stayed outside for probably a week? i wasn't the one who picked it up either. i think maybe my mom threw it away?

story 3:

about a week went by & i went to get gus' tummy time blanket off the top of a packed up box in my bedroom. i tossed it on my bed while i cleared a spot to lay the pillow. as it hits my bed, i see something scurry under my comforter. NO WAY. in my bed again? but this time, actually in my bed? this can't be possible. at this point, ashton was on the road, heading back to us. i called him and just mostly couldn't stop laughing at how ridiculous this was. he called his brother to save me this time. parker confirmed that the spider was huge and successfully got it outside.

story 4: 

this happened in our new house, here in arkansas. as of last night, we had been here for five full days. as we were getting the kids ready for bed, i commented to ashton how we hadn't seen any spiders yet!

obviously, that jinxed it.

last night we were dealing with a throwing up rooney (day #2, no fever, tired, but not lethargic) so ashton decided to just sleep in her room with her. well, we had the washing machine going  (washing rooney's messy bedding) & that has been thor's new bedroom since we don't really have a space for his kennel. the washing machine is real loud so thor was whining to compete with it. i asked ashton if he had any solutions for what was going on because i was struggling to get gus to sleep. he came down and suggested getting the kennel out. he went to the garage to get it & i heard him say, " oh fetch!" & came back in to tell me that there was a giant spider.

this time ashton was with me so i broke into laughter (1. because what are the chances?! 2. i wasn't the one who needed to take care of the situation.) & immediately ran into the garage, hoping to get a view & a picture from a safe distance.

so ashton grabbed our giant jazz cup and a paper plate, hoping to trap this gargantuan spider. i didn't get a picture, because i used my phone flashlight so that ashton could get a good eye on this spider. ps. it was huge. he wasn't lying.

ashton attempts to cover the spider with the cup, but it runs so ashton just slams the cup on the running spider. of course, it hits it, but not covers it. AND! baby spiders begin to scurry. i can't even believe it & begin laughing as i am safely perched on the bumper of my car. ashton ran inside, not laughing, and grabbed the vacuum. he got all the itsy bitsys' & then went after big mama who had snuck back between boxes. he said he could feel her thump through the vacuum & then spotted her in our vacuum chamber.

thinking about it still gives me the heebie-jeebies. ew gross.

& in case you are wondering, rooney hasn't thrown up since 1:00 am this morning, she ate some, drank a little more some, & took two baths today. i think we are finally in the clear! yayyyy.

almost.the.end

i have been terrible at keeping the blog up to date this summer.

in my defense, i have a nearly 4 month old, a sassy two year old, & my husband has spent all summer in oklahoma. 

that also means, a lot has been going on. a lot of late nights with a lot of thoughts & no one to share them with. so, i have a list of post ideas on my phone & maybe, someday, they will be written.

tonight, i have to get my thoughts out.

ashton's final (& biggest) evaluation is tomorrow. the evaluation process happens over three days with 4 different evaluations spread between those days. two grounds evals (taxing of the airplanes) & two locals evals (take off & landing). grounds are easier & locals are more intense & therefore worth more points.

on wednesday, ashton had a grounds eval in the morning with a local in the afternoon. he did awesome & finished the day with the highest score. today, he had a grounds & did well, because he is amazing. others are doing well, too, but lots of people are going home. 

today, while telling me how he did i heard him say, "ya, i did alright, thanks. it was nice knowing you man." & my heart broke. he told me that this particular guy needed to score an 85 of his local to continue. he got an 84 (which is an insanely good score!). one mistake, worth 16 points. i just cannot even imagine. it's like ashton is in this cut throat reality tv show. of the 18 people his class started with, only 9 are left. tomorrow can send a few more home too. i just can't even imagine - coming this far &, just like that, it's over. i know it is hard on ashton too. he is such a kind soul.

anyway, he has his final local tomorrow & he is pretty sure he is going to get the tough evaluator. now ashton has done so well with previous evals & his exams from earlier, that he will definitely pass, so i am not worried about that.

i am just sitting here, knowing that at 6:30 am, my time, he will be going into his final eval. i know it will be hard. & i can only imagine how nervous he must feel. i hate it. i hate not being with him. i want to hug him, to give him a kiss, & wish him good luck in person. 

so here i am, at 11:10 pm, too nervous/anxious to embroider (because my hands are too sweaty to get a good grip on the needle), sleep, watch a show, or listen to a talk. tomorrow morning, our lives change. 

within a week, everything we own will be packed, loaded into a u-haul, &  a new adventure begins. so many emotions in that thought too. sadness - - - knowing that we are leaving family for an unknown period of time. excitement - - - a home! my husband back! a new place to learn to love &  explore. anxiety - - - finding a place to live in on such short notice. stress - - - because, MOVING!

but yayyyy ashton is coming home in a few days

my ramblings. thoughts i don't want to forget. 

& jesus listening can hear

last week in relief society, our lesson was on elder holland's talk songs sung and unsung. while his talk is beautiful (i mean, it is elder holland) & contains quotes like:

"Believe in yourself, and believe in Him. Don’t demean your worth or denigrate your contribution. Above all, don’t abandon your role in the chorus."

"'Come as you are,' a loving Father says to each of us, but He adds, 'Don’t plan to stay as you are.' We smile and remember that God is determined to make of us more than we thought we could be."

but, it reminded me of a devotional we studied in a class while i was a student at byu. it was 9 years ago, but the story has stuck with me. i thought i had already written a post sharing the story, but i couldn't find it. if i have, & you have already read it, i am sorry, but it's good enough to read again.


it was given on January 7, 1997 by merrill j. bateman, titled a faith that preserves and strengthens. you can read it in its entirety here, but this is the excerpt i want to share:

In closing, I wish to illustrate with a modern-day story the trust that we may place in the Savior. I know that faith in Christ and obedience to the principles of the restored gospel bring answers to prayers and divine help when the hour is darkest. The story that follows concerns a young girl, the fourth child in a family of six children. Her name is Heather. Three of the children, including Heather, suffer from a rare disease called glutaric acidemia. In each case, the onset of the disease occurred during the first year of life when an enzyme attacked the brain, causing paralysis. The disease results in acid forming in the muscles, similar to that which occurs following a period of intense physical activity. The problem faced by the children is that the acid never leaves and causes great pain. Cindy, the first child with the disease, died just over one year ago at the age of 23. She was one of the oldest living persons known with the disease. At death she weighed about 40 pounds. 

Soon after Heather’s birth, the parents realized that she would be physically handicapped and that her spirit would be housed in a body with great restrictions. As she grew, she was confined to a wheelchair, unable to speak, and could only send messages with her eyes. A direct gaze and a smile meant yes. A blink meant no. Despite the handicaps, one could feel the vibrant spirit inside. 

As Heather progressed, it became obvious to the parents that she was extraordinarily bright. She would play guessing games with the family using her limited means to communicate. When she was old enough, the parents enrolled Heather in a special school to see if she could learn to speak. The teacher was a gifted therapist. One morning as Heather and the teacher visited about the prior weekend, the teacher learned that Heather had attended Primary. The teacher then sang for Heather “When He Comes Again” (Songbook, p. 82). The expression on Heather’s face revealed the delight within her. When the teacher asked Heather if she had a favorite song, the young girl’s wide eyes and engaging smile left little doubt. But what was the song? Through a series of questions, the teacher learned that Heather’s song was one she had heard in Primary. She wasn’t sure which songbook it was in, but it was about Jesus. The teacher sang all the songs she could think of, but to no avail. However, Heather was not about to quit—she wanted to share her favorite song. At the end of the day, the two were still searching. The teacher agreed to bring her Primary songbooks to school the next day. 

On the following morning, Heather and her teacher continued the quest. From the first hymn to the last, the little girl blinked her eyes indicating no. They were still unsuccessful. But Heather was not about to give up. She wanted to share her favorite song. Finally, the teacher told Heather that her mother would have to help her find the song and then they would sing it. The next day Heather arrived with the green Church hymnal tucked in her chair, but there was no marker. So they began with the first hymn. The teacher would sing the first part of each song and Heather would give her answer. After the first 100 hymns, there were 100 no’s. After 200 hymns there had been 200 no’s. Finally, the teacher began to sing “There is sunshine in my soul today . . .” (Hymns, 1985, no. 227). Heather’s body jumped, and a big smile crossed her face. Her eyes gazed directly into the teacher’s, indicating success after three days of searching. Both teacher and student rejoiced. 

As the teacher sang the first verse and began the chorus, Heather mustered all her strength and joined in with a few sounds. After finishing the first verse and chorus, the teacher asked if she wanted to hear the rest of the verses, and Heather’s eyes opened wide with a firm yes. The teacher began to sing: 

There is music in my soul today,
A carol to my King,
And Jesus listening can hear
The songs I cannot sing. 

Heather’s reaction to these lines was so strong that the teacher stopped. As the reality and significance of the words pressed on the teacher’s mind, she wondered if those lines were the reason Heather liked the song? The teacher asked: “Heather, is that what you like about the song? Is that what you want me to know? Does Jesus listen? Does he hear the songs you cannot sing?” 

The direct, penetrating gaze was a clear answer. 

Feeling guided by the Spirit, the teacher asked, “Heather, does Jesus talk to you in your mind and in your heart? 

Again, the child’s look was penetrating. 

The teacher then asked, “Heather, what does he say?” 

The teacher’s heart pounded as she saw the clear look in Heather’s eyes as the little girl awaited the questions that would allow her to share her insights. 

“Does Jesus say, ‘Heather, I love you’?” 

Heather’s radiant eyes widened and she smiled. 

After a pause, the teacher asked next, “Does he say, ‘Heather, you’re special’?” 

The answer again was yes. 

Finally, the teacher asked, “Does he say, ‘Heather, be patient; I have great things in store for you’?” 

With all her strength, Heather’s head became erect and her eyes penetrated the teacher’s soul. She knew she was loved, she was special, and she only needed to be patient. (Story adapted from Jean Ernstrom, “Jesus, Listening, Can Hear,” Ensign, June 1988, pp. 46–47.) 

Two years later, Heather died because of the ravages of the disease. Her younger brother, Mark, also suffers from the disease but not to the extent of his older sisters. He can talk, although it is not easy. As the parents discussed Heather’s passing and the funeral that would take place, Mark exclaimed, “No go Heather’s funeral!” Heather was his best friend. As the parents tried to explain death to him, he would not be consoled. He was crushed and did not want to attend the service. For two days he could not be persuaded. 

On the morning of the funeral, the father went to Mark’s room to get him up. As he entered the room, Mark was sitting up in bed with a big smile on his face. His first words were: “Dad, go Heather’s funeral!” 

The father responded: “Mark, what has changed your mind?” 

“Dad, had dream.” 

“What did you dream about, Mark?” 

“Dad, dreamed about Heather.” 

“Mark, what was Heather doing?” 

“Oh, Dad, Heather running and jumping and singing ‘There is sunshine in my soul today.’ Dad, go Heather’s funeral.” (Mark’s part of the story was obtained through conversations with the parents and also from the book written by the family: Bruce and Joyce Erickson, When Life Doesn’t Seem Fair [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1995]; see pp. 65–66.)

a few months back, mark came with his mother for a relief society lesson. now, it wasn't until sunday that i connected the dots, that mark's sister was the one whose story has stood out in my life for all this time. when he was talking to the women of our ward, he shared a song that he wrote. there are no words to adequately share the spirit that was felt as he sang his song of hope & faith. he gave each of us a copy of the lyrics & i cherish his words.


listening to him & reading over his song regularly, reminded me that we shouldn't be afraid to ask heavenly father those hard questions & that even if it is years before we get the answer, we must keep holding on to our faith.