Feliz Cumpleanos a mi Mami

Mom's birthday - January 19th. I wish I could be with her more than ever this year. As I have gone through this last hard few weeks, she has come with me. She has a ton on her own plate but here she is struggling with me through my sad days.

My mom has given up so much for us kids and the older I get, the more that I notice it. I worry that I don't have the selflessness

yet. She has been such an example to us of a

willingness to serve and she is dedicated to love. She is still so protective of me and I forgot that. The other day she told me that I am still her baby cub, and just like any momma bear, she would do anything to try to keep me from hurting. Sweet huh :)

Last night I was driving Kelsey's boyfriend home and was just telling me how cool my family is - I guess Ijust forget because they are mine - but seriously, I have a cool family and the coolest mom.

I remember the first time mom tried to teach me how to dance. She turned on Back to Life by Soul II Soul (a song they seriously still play all of the time on the radio in Provo!) and proceeded to dance around our kitchen in Emerald Heights. hahaha I could not dance (it is something I am still working on), but mom, she can move. Over Christmas break we had a few spontaneous dance parties and mom broke out the Jerk. I was amazed and I still watch the forbidden recordings I have of it when I am sad. It's amazing how happy it makes me.

Mom raised us listening to the good stuff - America, James Taylor, Harry Connick. With dad it was Van Halen, Police, good stuff too. But when mom played music, I would sway my head back and forth. Dad's music made me rock out, nodding my head. haha

Mom is my supporter. You want a guinea pig? ok - go for it! You got home this morning at 3 and you want to go running at 9? You sure? alright. Hey, I think it is time to go look at Anthropologie.

When I was your age - my parents lived halfway across the world! Imagine how hard it was for me. I wish you could all have the opportunity to watch BYU football with my mom. She is a crazy

fan...maybe even more than me.

Happy Birthday mom. I love you so much.

Lucky Me

What a great weekend.

Friday night...I had a date! haha A real date.

Then Saturday was absolutely wonderful. I woke up and was pretty down. I called my mom, who is so amazing by the way. She got me out of bed and before I knew it, I was driving up to see Grandma and Michelle. We shopped and went to lunch and it was so much fun, just like I was a freshman again.

Then my SAB friend Lori told me she had an extra ticket to the volleyball game and wanted me to go with her! I told you that these SAB ladies are quality. So now I had plans for the rest of the evening.

After lunch with Michelle and Grandma, I ran home and then went up to the Marriott with Preston to wait in line with our fabulous basketball fanatic fans. I had courtside tickets so I really didn't need to wait in line, but that is part of the experience. Plus, it got me out of the house. I just love basketball. I know, you are all confused...she went with Preston? Well, we are friends. I am pretty sure I will be at most basketball games with him. And it is totally ok so please don't worry. Michelle was a little late so I went down and got the buffet from TUCANOS! that comes with those tickets, all by myself. Being on the court for a game! Amazing. We totally dominated.

Right after the game, Preston and I went over to the Fieldhouse for the volleyball game. I had a ticket with Lori. Lori has made my life so much easier this weekend. I don't think she knows how much her sweet words and actions mean to me. Plus it is always fun to see all of my old friends. Then Aubrey and Mel called and they somehow found the best seats and had one for me. I went and sat with them and I had so much fun. I forgot the noises I used to make. I forgot how excited I got when I was with those girls, my best friends. How silly of me to forget that everything I needed to pick me up was just two doors away.

Then we went to YoZone and just laughed and laughed. That was all I needed.

Now it is Sunday and no school tomorrow! Love it.

Brand New Day

Things are really good. I have dedicated myself to my students. I am improving myself and I am happy.

Today I visited a few of the special ed units in Provo School District - Nebo had a district development day. Got some great ideas...I think I am finally starting to feel a little more confident as a teacher. I can do it, it just gets hard sometimes. But when I think about the fragile lives I work with, I realize how blessed I am to impact them and how I am even more blessed to be impacted by their sweet spirits while they live in mortality.

After visiting the classrooms, I went to the Student Athlete building to go get lunch with my travel lady friends. So much fun. I am so lucky to have had that job and I am so thankful for the world of friends it opened me up to. I got to ride next to Robbie Bosco up to campus. Everyone my parents age is so jealous right now. haha I ate lunch with three of the sweetest people who truly care for me. They love me and even bought me this huge bling bling blue diamond ring. I think I might wear it everyday!

This is the only song that I can think of right now...thank you Joshua Radin

It's a brand new day

The sun is shining

It's a brand new day

For the first time in such a long long time (the whole last long week and a half! ha)

I know I'll be ok

- Brand New Day by Joshua Radin

on the up

I am learning a ton these days. Heavenly Father is really placing things in front of me to help me. Still hurt...but definitely smiling more.

I lost a student today. Not like, I couldn't find her, or something terrible happened, but while I was in music with a few of my kids, her mom came in and told my techs that they were moving and that today was her last day. She packed her up and they were gone. I don't think it has hit me. Each of my kids brings so much to my class. I am scared for tomorrow without her.

Also...30 Rock is the best happy medicine I know. I made Alison watch a few episodes with me tonight. hahaha HILARIOUS.

Thanks for listening to my ups and downs. I think things are really starting to work out.

roller coaster

I am done being a downer. Now please don't think that I am done being sad...because I have never been so up and down in my life. I really am an emotional roller coaster, so I am sorry to any of those who come in contact with me from now on until I get better.

I just went to dinner at my grandparents. I ate more than I have in the last 3 days combined and I feel so so sick. But it was delicious. My cute cousin, Samantita, just got back from studying the last semester in Buenos Aires. It is so nice to have her back. We watched family videos and ate empanadas, pastel de papas, Lyman's bread, and salad. Wow.

So, things are hard in life right now, but I have come to realize that I need to really focus on my Savior to get me through this. I have had a few evenings now where I have been completely alone and really been able to study and pray. My heart is hurting and I just can't imagine my Savior feeling this heartache times 100 to understand all of the heartache that every person on this earth goes and has gone through. I feel Heavenly Father's love but it doesn't keep my heart from hurting. Mostly, I am rearranging my focus. Someone told me this analogy about a puppy. You get a puppy and you love this puppy. He is always waiting for you when you get home from work. He makes you happy. There is this bond and life is easy. Then you come home one day to find out that your dog has been hit. Everyone is trying to give you their neighbor's brother's puppy or telling you to come over and visit their puppy, but they don't get it. You want your puppy and nothing can compare to your puppy. So you know what you have to do? You have to go to the pet store and buy a fish. Something completely different and focus on that for awhile. So, I have found my fish and I am going to work on improving myself.

It will be ok

You know that crushing feeling in your heart? It is really bad today. It is so hard because there is nothing to change it, but I have gotten so much good advice...

Last night, a sweet girl who I had known for 5 minutes, told me that I had to get rid of all my "should's". My life is my life. The straight and narrow is narrow because it is made for just one person. As long as I am on it - even if it is by myself - blessings will follow.

I felt so good last night, like everything was working out the way it was supposed to. I thought that I could do anything, like even run into him again, and be ok. But that doesn't mean that my heart isn't feeling that emptiness anymore. I still miss him.

I know that something will come out of this, it is just hard waiting.

First heartbreak

So it's been a new year for a week and I really went into 2010 with a bang. I went up to Boise to spend the weekend with Preston and his so amazing family, but I have since hit...tragedy. A tragedy that isn't a big deal to anyone but yourself. I think I just have to get it off of my chest because I can't talk to people about it (I don't want the sympathy and the hugs) but it is something I need to talk about.

Well, if you haven't guessed, Preston and I broke up last night. Having never been through a break up, this has been devastatingly hard. I think I cry anytime I am alone...like right now. We got into a car accident on Sunday on our drive home from Boise. I knew that it happened for a reason and I knew right away that our relationship was going to, in some way, be changed by it. I told him that he couldn't get weird on me and a few days went by and things seemed ok, until last night. My sixth sense kicked in. I knew something was wrong, he said he was fine. After a KILLER basketball game against UNLV, he told me everything. The hardest thing is that nothing was wrong with our relationship...he just didn't feel like it should keep going.

I remember catching my breath when he tried to hold my hand on the first date - risky move, but it worked out. I remember when three weeks later he told me he wanted to be exclusive and I couldn't drive. He is the only semi-sane boy that would camp outside the Marriott for basketball.

My heart...oh my heart. I know it will be alright. I felt to let him go if that makes any sense...it's just so hard when you had a best friend every night, even if it was for only 2 and a half months. I don't even know how to spend an evening at my apartment anymore. I don't know how to not know that I will for sure see someone after work everyday. No one to text good morning, funny stories, sports talk, "i like you"s , and goodnight to.

Well, once again I will say that I will be ok. Things will work out...but for now, I am just finding refuge in work and my students. Thanks for listening.