But, here's the thing - I don't want to talk about it for pity or to make anyone feel bad. It is just talking is therapeutic. I want to get it out and continue to process all of my feelings - which are changing constantly, so there is always something new I have to say about it.
Rooney was having some real bad constipation issues for a few weeks, so of course, I made an appointment to see her doctor. And everything went fine. Except, I think the appointment was more for me than Roo. I had to explain that Rooney went from nursing one day to milk the next because I had to stop nursing since we were worried about miscarrying, which happened anyway. Her doctor almost started crying. She understood the struggle. She had twin boys several months ago and opened up to me about IVF. She knew. She also told me that of her 4 best friends, 3 of them had their embryos in the same freezer and needed IVF to get pregnant. She called them embryo buddies and described how her favorite pictures are of her babies as embryos. She gave me a huge hug as we left and I think I will keep her as Rooney's pediatrician forever.
Then, my friend who miscarried with me just had to have another D&C because there was still remaining tissue. She is worried because her body can't handle miscarriages, yet this is her second one.
Here I am, worried for the exact opposite reason. My body seems handle them like a champ - three miscarriages in and I have never needed any help, I always pass them on my own. This time around, I can't seem to get enough sleep (back to afternoon naps when Rooney is napping) and I am emotionally a mess, but my body has recovered. This worries me because it seems to be my body's natural way to react when pregnant.
Also, can I just leave this right here? (Please read it. Please please please! It shares all of the emotions of trying to get pregnant.)
I want to share everything he says, but especially where he talks about seeing other people get pregnant and feeling sad, but then getting mad because you truly want to be happy for them.
Also, when he describes miscarriage. He says, "I’ve felt time stop before. Car accidents, falling off a fence, a mountain bike jump gone wrong. I have not felt the vertigo of infinity like when we were told our baby was dead. I’m logical. I understand science and biology. I know it was a fetus, not a baby. But it was my baby. In my head, in my heart, I could already imagine being old as it grew into an adult and had its own children, and – woosh – it was all gone."
He nailed it. And then he worries that by sharing their success, which he says many people have gone through more, he might make others feel the way they did. And yes! That is a huge worry. But, more than anything, their story brings hope, a reminder that it is possible. And I know my story is very small compared to theirs, but we can't compare. We need to remember that grief is grief.
Anyway, I will end with this.
I had to go to the lab to get my hCG levels tested (which is one sure way to take you back to square one with crying and emotions all over) - so I went and bought a shirt I loved after. And, while my mom may roll her eyes at me for spending money to make me happy, I don't regret buying this shirt and can't wait to wear it in New York next week!
