ramona's birth story

november 19, 2019

i got up early early that morning. the c section was scheduled for 7:00am so we had to be at the hospital at 5:00am. i wanted to take a nice, pamper myself type shower. it was so calm, but my heart was pounding - i was going into a major surgery (still scary, even though it was my third. you always think about all those "what ifs") AND i was hours away from holding our newest family member in my arms!

my parents had flown in a few days earlier and dad came with us to the hospital for documentation purposes. my mom would join us with the kids around 7:15 so that they would all be there by the time we made it back into my room. so, we get into our room in l&d. i meet the nurses and the anesthesiologist. they monitor baby and everything is looking good. then a nurse comes in around 6:45 with a catheter! i beg her to wait until i have received my spinal block, but she reassures me that my surgery is just minutes away and this is normal. you guys. i admit that i have some trauma when it comes to catheters because of rooney's delivery, but i do not think it is standard procedure to put anyone through the pain of a catheter if they are about to have a spinal block or epidural. let me know if i am wrong. anyway, i was mad at this nurse. i was in tears. i was so uncomfortable. it was awful. and i think i have a pretty good pain tolerance (remember that one time my fallopian tube burst and i hardly felt it?). they kept reassuring me that it was just for a little...

but then my doctor was an hour and a half late. yep. my 7:00 surgery didn't happen until after 8:30. tuesdays weren't her normal surgery day - she forgot that we had scheduled my c section for that morning. so. i felt that dang catheter for nearly two hours. i was so uncomfortable. and my mom and the kids had shown up which made things a little chaotic. they were planning to be there just in time for me and the baby to be rolled back into the room. instead, we had over an hour to kill with no new baby.

then the doctor showed up and things began to move. they had ashton hang back and they told him to put on the getup while they took me into the operating room. they had me climb out of the bed and onto the operating table (with the dang catheter ughhhh (last time i mention it, i promise)). the anesthesiologist gave me my block and laid me down. i was immediately nauseated and felt like there was an elephant on my chest, both things i hadn't experienced with my previous c sections. and as soon as i couldn't feel my legs, they were opening me up. you guys, ashton wasn't even in the room yet. i remember the anesthesiologist holding up a tin for me to throw up in and i was mumbling about ashton not being there! i got a cold compress put on my head and eventually ashton made it. he says that he walked in and i was already all opened up! 

then i heard that beautiful cry & someone said, "it's a girl!" ashton's face was one of disbelief as he said, "no way!" he thought for sure we were having another boy. 

***side story. i later found out that he had looked at the screen during our ultrasound and had seen the tabs along the top for all the different body parts. he saw one that said "it's a boy!" and assumed, that meant we were having a boy. makes sense right? he kept that secret from me for 4 whole months! & it contributed to his genuine shock that we had another girl! which is exactly what rooney had been praying for.***

they don't do, or hadn't heard of, gentle c-sections here which was really sad for me. they made sure to show me ramona's little face over the blue curtain before they wrapped all 7 pounds, 11 ounces, and 19 3/4 inches of her up. i don't really remember much after that. ashton took ramona to the waiting room to meet family, but they weren't there. they had taken the kids to the cafeteria for some snacks. i was taken to recovery and waited in an empty room for everyone to join me. ashton and ramona beat my parents and the kids. it is safe to say, we were all immediately smitten. she was and continues to be the cutest, sweetest, rolliest baby.

our stay at the hospital was short - they only let you stay for 48 hours after a c section. with rooney and gus, we always stayed three nights and had the option for a fourth. but that turned out ok because hospital stays here are nothing like they were in utah. the rooms and bathrooms are old - like i didn't want to even shower kind of old. there was no nursery, so i never got more than an hour of sleep at a time. she was born on tuesday and by lunch on thursday, we were home.

i also didn't get to recover like i was used to. i wasn't able to get up as quickly as i was used to and there wasn't much space to walk. but! i will say, that i had no bruising and my incision looks fantastic.

luckily, my parents stayed out until she was a week old and then ashton's parents came. amazingly enough, the smiths walked off the plane as my parents walked on to the same one. then ashton didn't take paternity leave until his parents went home, so we got him home all the way through christmas eve. it was perfect and i definitely needed all hands on deck that first month of three kids.

it wasn't my favorite birth (i think gus's will take that award) or the most emotional (reading rooney's birth story still makes me cry), but i am so glad that ramona is here safe and healthy. we cannot remember life before her - she just fits so wonderfully in our family.

ramona's pregnancy

as with every pregnancy, i am very hesitant after the positive test.

i got very sick around 5 weeks - i am pretty sure it was a few days long stomach bug, but it then led right into the worst morning sickness i have had so far. it is nothing compared to what some go through but ugh, it was awful and lasted until after 20 weeks.

then, at 12 weeks, just before gus's second birthday, my parents came to visit. i started bleeding. i was beside myself, sure i was miscarrying. i couldn't get out of bed. i couldn't stop crying. it was a saturday, so we set up an appointment for monday. the bleeding came heavy and then would stop. then it would appear again.

i had an ultrasound that monday, but everything looked fine! baby was busy. they told me it was probably a subchorionic hemorrhage, though they couldn't find the tear. because they couldn't see where the blood had come from, they told me that was probably the last of it.

of course, it wasn't. and i was back in the doctors office a few days later. baby was just fine and my obgyn told me that the blood obviously wasn't bothering my baby. she also told me that this didn't mean i would miscarry and that i could keep doing what i was doing - baby was growing and i had two babies at home who still needed me. i appreciated her point of view, she is very much it is all in God's hand type, but i need to know i am doing everything i can to protect my baby. so, after consulting some friends, i decided to take it easy. i was on a modified bedrest and i kept bleeding until 17 weeks. and baby started kicking hard enough for me to feel around 14 weeks, which was very reassuring.

at 20 weeks, we went in for the anatomy scan. everything looked great. baby was healthy, strong, and growing.

AND we decided not to find out the gender. ashton was not a big fan of this at the beginning. he really wanted to know, but i knew that if he had found out, there would definitely have been a slip up. i have to admit - some days not knowing was really hard, but overall i HIGHLY recommend it. because, it was so worth it.

trying to get pregnant again

at the end of 2018, we still weren't pregnant. which wasn't our norm - trying for so long without success. if you've read my previous posts, you can see why that was so hard.

so, i can now understand infirtility in the aspece of someone who is miscarrying often and someone who can't get pregnant.

i went and saw the doctor who had done my ectopic surgery a few weeks after the surgery, june/july of 2018. i asked him if i would need to have an hsg done, something that i had read most doctors require after ectopic pregnancies & a procedure i had done before. he told me it wasn't necessary because they had removed my entire tube. i went with it.

months continued to come and go. along with my period. like clockwork. & each month i found myself mourning a pregnancy that hadn't happened.

i continued to do research. there is so much that i just did not know! did you know that women have a dominant overy? did you know that they don't alternate dropping eggs every other month?! whichever side has the "queen egg" gets to drop that month! i had no idea. and how was i to know if my left ovary was my dominant one or not - obviously that would mess with my opportunity to get pregnant if it kept dropping eggs and there was not fallopian tube to guide it to my uterus. then there were articles that said one fallopian tube could move its arm over to the other side to possibly catch a ready egg. it is all quite fascinating and deserves a lot more research on my part - maybe someday.

anyway, 2018 wrapping up. the doctor who had done my surgery told me i would be back in a few months, pregnant. but it had been over six months and nothing.

i called a different doctor - one who comes highly recommended by the doctors in our ward. getting in to see her was like jumping through hoops. back in may 2018, when i knew something was wrong with my pregnancy, i had called her to try and schedule an appointment. they needed my pap history (something no other doctor had ever required before seeing me) which meant i had to call utah. they needed a signed release so i had to go in to the doctors office here and fill out a form that they faxed to my utah doctor. it was such a mess. and by the time they had gotten back to me i had already lost my baby and my tube and wanted nothing to do with them.

by october of 2018 and still not pregnant, i called the recommended obgyn again. i had to cry for an appointment because they didn't have my pap history anymore (seriously healthcare in arkansas is crazy). they got me in after thanksgiving. i finally talked to my new obgyn and she rolled her eyes when i told her my surgery doctor told me i did not need an hsg. she told me that it is something she recommends after every surgery in/around your uterus and i had had a c section and ectopic since my last one. that was scheduled for february 27th.

i figured that since i had already experienced an hsg, it would be no big deal. i was wrong. in utah, the nurse came and held my hand. she was there with me. here, it was very cold, sterile, and lonely. and it hurt much worse. turned out that all my scar tissue had adhered my cervic shut! sorry for the tmi, but suddenly why i wasn't getting pregnant made sense.

and guess what. the next cycle, we got a positive pregnancy test!

picture taken March 21st, 2019

lately

it has been over a year since i have come here to record about our life/my thoughts and i know that i am going to wish i had recorded more.

so...

here i am.

we have been in quarantine for two plus months.

we added another beautiful girl to our family in november.

we have been living in our little house for over a year now and love it even more than we did on the first day. we have done a few projects with it - pictures and a post to come - and continue to dream up more projects.

we made it through major flooding of our area. we watched as our ward and stake and city came together and serve those who were affected.

we experienced our first tornado touchdown in our city - it's been a year and the kids are still traumatized. they see clouds and immediately ask if there will be a tornado.

i have cut back on teaching online (by choice) and have really not had the time i would like for hoops&threads.

hopefully, i will be better about coming here to write about our happenings - my nostalgic soul misses having a place to come to remember past events.

that time we bought a house

oh heyyyy!

it's me. tati. 

life has been C-R-A-Z-Y!

i am teaching with VIPKID & gogokid. both are great. & i am actually not letting myself wake up before 5:30, so my class load has been fairly small. BUT, still! waking up at 5:30 am is kind of crazy. also, as much as a dread waking up so early in the morning, seeing those sweet little faces makes me so happy. it is worth it. it is good to be teacher tati.

i started teaching preschool. WHAT?! i know! it is small - five kids (one of them being mine) for two hours, twice a week. i was super nervous to take it on & told myself a few months ago that this was something i would never do, but it just fell into my lap & i LOVE it. i love these kids. rooney loves having friends come to her house. & teaching in my own "classroom" came back so naturally. i like being miss tati.

i just got released as a counselor in the relief society & am now a counselor in young womens. i really enjoyed my time in relief society & i am so grateful for the year i spent there. but, i am so very excited to give the young women all of my love! it is going to be so much fun.

our lease (that we have extended 5 months) is coming up & i want fort smith to feel like home. i don't want to share a wall with neighbors. i want a backyard. i want a place that i am excited to be in while we are here. i do like fort smith & i want to like my home. so, we started looking at home, just to see if we wanted to buy or rent. we checked to see what we would qualify for & that was sort of a mistake/but also a blessing because then we were getting phone calls & ashton felt like we had to follow through & got all stressed. 

it started on feb 1. with the may house. i absolutely fell in love with its pictures on zillow. that saturday i decided we needed to look at it, but we didn't have a realtor. we eventually met joseph who scheduled a visit for sunday, the third. oh my gosh. i did not sleep saturday night. i had all these plans for the house before we even walked through the doors. but then, we went. it is still the cutest house, but not what we were looking for. my first heartbreak in this home search journey.

we found four other houses we wanted to visit. the first one was pending since that morning. of course. it was the first one ashton was really interested in. the second one had an offer, but was willing to take back ups. we liked that one mostly because its backyard backed up to the yard of friends in our ward. the third one, (urban view) joseph was able to schedule an appointment, but warned us that it did have an escape clause. the fourth one, fern, was one that aston & i both loved the look of & both of us had driven by a few times, but of course, it was under contract. 

so monday, we went & saw urban view. we liked it! it was a good fit for us. there were a few things we knew we were going to need to fix immediately, like put a fence up around the yard, but it was cute. the kitchen was big & bright! all the rooms had light coming into them - the kitchen had the most, which is something our rental really lacked. 

we put an offer on urban view on wednesday (the 6th) morning. because of an escape clause, we had to wait THREE excruciating days to hear back. friday morning, joseph called with the most devastating news. you guys. i sobbed for a good hour.

then i asked joseph about fern, because i saw that on zillow it was listed as for sale again, no longer pending. he told me that the realtor for fern called him the day we put the offer on urban view saying that the previous contract had fallen through & it was available again. he told her that we had just placed on offer on another place & that was that. when he told me, i said something along the lines of, "yes! we want to see it asap!" so he met us there at 10:45. when i got out of the car, he said, "tati, god knows what he is doing. you didn't get urban view, because he knew you needed fern." i get the chills just thinking about that moment. we walked in & it felt like home. it is beautiful. so much better than any of the previous houses we had looked at. & the yard! it is giant & will be so much fun for the kids. we had a contract written up & ashton was able to sign it before going to work at 1:00. AMAZING. he did tell us that the house had 6 more showings over the next few days...

we gave them until saturday (the 9th) at 6:00 to give us an answer. i was so stressed/anxious all day. i couldn't eat. i couldn't drink. i was an absolute wreck. at 5:55, they sent us a counter & let us know that they were expecting another offer so you better know we got on that one quickly!

it wasn't easy. there was a lot of back and forth and attempts at compromise. it was exhausting. emotional. but we knew, we KNEW, this was our house and it was amazing to feel confident in that.

we closed on march 8th. ashton worked until that tuesday, so our moving date was planned for tuesday. ashton just coud not wait, so half of it was moved on Saturday the 9th after ashton got home from work and the rest was moved on monday the 11th after work. the kiesels were the only reason we were able to make it all work. so grateful for them!

then, our fridge was supposed to come on the 12th. of course, it didn't show up until the 16th - half an hour before Rooney's fourth birthday party. it was ridiculous.

but now, we are here! we are settling in & loving it as much as we hoped.

& that is how the house became ours.

pregnancy & infant loss remembrance

so, the majority of my posts the last few years have been about my experiences through pregnancy loss. i feel like i am on this soapbox A LOT & for a while, i was feeling guilty about it. but why? i think i worry people get so sick of hearing about this seemingly constant trial i am going through, but i have had so many people reach out to me because they are going through something similar. & let me tell you - that has been the best healer for me. to be able to help other women just by talking.

october is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance month. they say 1 in 4 women experience this loss. honestly, i think it is a lot more than that. i went through my closest friends & did the math.

- my mama & sisters 2 of 4 of us have experienced loss.
- my childhood friends 4 of 5 of us have experienced loss.
- my college/adult friends 4 of 5 of us have experienced loss.

these are just the women i am the very closest with & who been pregnant. that is A LOT of loss.

then there are the women who i have become close with through talking about my losses. some of these women were friends in high school or were in a class with me at BYU, some of them had previously just been acquaintances & a few of them are friends of my sisters. most of them i hadn't talked to for years. but they have now become my confidants, my go-to's during that time of month. we cheer each other on. we have each other's backs. we are bound together through empathy & these relationships are beautiful.



as most of you know, i recently had an ectopic pregnancy to add to pregnancy loss list. this one has thrown me a little because it physically altered my body (loss of my left fallopian tube) & i was not sure how that would affect our ability to get pregnant. when i asked my doctor here in arkansas if it would make it harder to get pregnant, he simply reassured me that i would be back in his office within a few months because i would be pregnant.

well. i am not. this

is the longest we have had to try, which if you do that math & count the months since my ectopic, it isn't that long. BUT, hear me out. this is the longest we have had to try by a few months, which feels like forever. & getting pregnant was never our hard part. our hard part is staying pregnant. so, it now appears that both might be hard which is extremely discouraging/makes me an emotional beast the week of my period (just ask anyone who talked to me at church last sunday (insert eyeroll emoji)).

as i have mentioned before, this time around is different because i am genuinely happy when i see others pregnant. i am so grateful for that. but it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt when i see a "we're pregnant" post or a mama snuggling a newborn. i so badly want that.

i will close this post with a picture i shared earlier this month on instagram:

October is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. Spreading awareness is something I have become passionate about, not just because it is all around us yet no one ever talks about it, but also because it helps heal me & bonds me to others who have experienced loss.

Two days after Mother’s Day and two days before Gus turned one, I lost another baby along with my left tube. I thought miscarriages were my trials and this ectopic hit me out of nowhere, so out of nowhere that I never really mourned. I just kept on living. This is the only picture I have from that day - just minutes before they took me into surgery.

I recently realized that I should be almost 7 months pregnant. Oh how I wish I had a cute little baby bump. It took 3 months, but I have finally mourned my loss. 

Over the 5 1/2 years of our marriage, I have been pregnant 6 times. I am sure many look at us, our two beautiful children, and think we have a perfect life. And we do. I am so blessed. And as much as I adore and absolutely LOVE Rooney and Guster, I have four angel babies that my heart longs to hold. 

Never assume. Never judge. We don’t know what people are going through. So make sure you love first.

hours in a day

do you ever feel like there just isn't enough time? that there are so many things you need to do, but so many more things you want to do? because, that is me. right now.


i need to do those everyday things - like manage my house (SO MUCH CLEANING), keep my kids alive & healthy, make meals, do laundry, etc. my chores. they take up a lot of my day.


the list of things i want to do can go on forever.

• scripture study. i have good intentions & i have my good days & my bad days, but it is not consistent. this really should be a need for me & hopefully, with sometime, it will get there.
• not just keep my kids alive, but make them happy (without the use of the TV). that's a current goal - lessen our screen time & IT IS HARD! how do i make food, clean, or even go to the bathroom without the tv?!!! my kids are at my feet the minute that thing is off. we have started listening to music, books on tape, doing puzzles, & i recently bought some blocks. but guess what - that is more for me to clean!!! also, i want to play with them more. i want to spend more time being focused on just them (not them & mac 'n cheese on the stove...).
•  what do you guys do? what are your favorite open ended/imagination inspiring toys? please help.
• read - i have a new obsession with reading. i am currently reading Anne of the Island, Educated, & Girl, Wash Your Face. ALL of them have me enthralled. i cannot stop.
• VIPKID. so i actually got hired 19 days ago. cool. but no one was signing up for my classes. until this morning. i forgot to turn off the short notice option, so i happened to look at my phone at 6:50 this morning and i had a notification that said, "you have a class in 10 minutes." WHAT???!!! guys. it was a mad rush & i think it went ok, but it as thrown me through a loop today. also, i really want to do this. i want to have a little extra income to put towards my dreams - mostly traveling. also, can we talk about how much this will take over my mornings, the only time i feel productive? & there is still so much prep i feel i need to do before each class.
• exercise. it makes such a difference & i love starting my morning that way, but it doesn't always. honestly, my health is something i am working on. i am trying to eat ALL the veggies - so send me all your favorite veggie recipes please. i was doing so well with exercise before my ectopic & then i sort of melted during recovery (which was so hard - both physically, mentally, oh, & emotionally too). it has taken me a lot to get back into a regular workout & i am keeping it calm with yoga, when i get around to working out.
• meditation. i am so intrigued by meditation. it is something i would love to incorporate into my day. i mean, 5 minutes. i can do 5 minutes a day right? ya...
• family home evening. family prayer. family scripture study. we always say we will do them before bedtime, but you guys, 7:00 rolls around and i am in a mad dash mode to get my kids in bed so i can chill.
• embroider. remember how i was doing hoops&threads? ya. it has been a month since i last embroidered anything & i miss it.
• watch shows with ashton, doing nothing, after the kids go to bed. this is our thing. it is how we unwind together before bed.
• write posts in my blog. i don't do it often. i am no necessarily good at it. & i do not have a following, but i have lots of thoughts in my head that i would like to get out somewhere. which also leads to how i should probably keep a journal, too. so many things.
• shower, put make up on, take care of my hair, my face, my nails, etc.

you guys. there's a lot of good stuff on my want list. how do i get it in? i feel like i need to wake up at 5 (i am available to teach from 6 to 8) & go to bed at midnight if i want to do any of this. also, give up social media & my evening tv time. i remember elder bednar's good, better, best & will probably go read that after this, but how do you guys do it? do i just pick one evening a week to focus on one thing? is it easier once kids are in school? do you have a time saving trick? tell me! 

please?