new york city! day 2

 Recognize this spot? Walter Mitty!

 Walking the High Line

 Natalie and Brighten were the greatest hostesses!

Mel and Julio got in today and the first thing we did was rowboats in Central Park, of course!

After rowboats, we tried to get to Grimaldi's and it took a few tries, but...

 that pizza was sooooo worth it!

 Then we walked across the Brooklyn Bridge!

Beautiful and long

We wanted to go to the Top of the Rock, but the next available time was 10:30 pm. We got tickets for tomorrow and, of course, decided to grab some banana pudding from Magnolia Bakery. This is most definitely my favorite NYC treat.

 Serendipity for a late night frozen hot chocolate!

Then Koronets for an even later late night pizza!

new york city! day 1

10 years ago this August, I met Aubrey and our friendship started. I have probably written about her in this blog more than anyone else (except for maybe Ashton and Rooney). Let's just say she is my very best friend and has been a huge influence on my life and I really love her.

This past week, we flew out to New York because she got married!!! We caught the redeye Monday night and Tuesday was spent walking nearly 28,000 steps. Ashton had never been to the city before so, obviously, we had a lot to do.

 Grand Central Station

 After this picture was taken, we immediately walked down and devoured Shake Shack.

 Walking through Time Square (side note: I actually like it better during the day than at night...)

 Bethesda Fountain. All I could think about was The Golem and the Jinni. If you haven't read it yet, do yourself a favor and go check it out now.

 Bethesda Terrace - I know the pictures don't show it, but we really walked all over Central Park. 

So. Much. Walking.

 Visiting the Bride to Be. The highlight of our first day. Gosh, I just love her.

This was one of my favorite parts of the museum. I remember 9/11 so clearly and this quote was so perfect. Each of the 2,983 blue squares represents the color of the sky on that fateful day.

 9/11 memorial

 We had just gotten out of the museum and I was still pretty overwhelmed with emotions.

Chase played our Tour Guide all day. It was a blast! And we were so glad Shelby was able to join us for the 9/11 museum.

We then took the 1 up to Natalie's house and Natalie, Aubrey, and I stayed up late chatting. It was just like the good old days.

more on pregnancy loss

I know, I know, I just wrote the longest post ever about miscarriage.

But, here's the thing - I don't want to talk about it for pity or to make anyone feel bad. It is just talking is therapeutic. I want to get it out and continue to process all of my feelings - which are changing constantly, so there is always something new I have to say about it. 

Rooney was having some real bad constipation issues for a few weeks, so of course, I made an appointment to see her doctor. And everything went fine. Except, I think the appointment was more for me than Roo. I had to explain that Rooney went from nursing one day to milk the next because I had to stop nursing since we were worried about miscarrying, which happened anyway. Her doctor almost started crying. She understood the struggle. She had twin boys several months ago and opened up to me about IVF. She knew. She also told me that of her 4 best friends, 3 of them had their embryos in the same freezer and needed IVF to get pregnant. She called them embryo buddies and described how her favorite pictures are of her babies as embryos. She gave me a huge hug as we left and I think I will keep her as Rooney's pediatrician forever.

Then, my friend who miscarried with me just had to have another D&C because there was still remaining tissue. She is worried because her body can't handle miscarriages, yet this is her second one.

Here I am, worried for the exact opposite reason. My body seems handle them like a champ - three miscarriages in and I have never needed any help, I always pass them on my own. This time around, I can't seem to get enough sleep (back to afternoon naps when Rooney is napping) and I am emotionally a mess, but my body has recovered. This worries me because it seems to be my body's natural way to react when pregnant.

Also, can I just leave this right here? (Please read it. Please please please! It shares all of the emotions of trying to get pregnant.)

I want to share everything he says, but especially where he talks about seeing other people get pregnant and feeling sad, but then getting mad because you truly want to be happy for them. 
Also, when he describes miscarriage. He says, "I’ve felt time stop before. Car accidents, falling off a fence, a mountain bike jump gone wrong. I have not felt the vertigo of infinity like when we were told our baby was dead. I’m logical. I understand science and biology. I know it was a fetus, not a baby. But it was my baby. In my head, in my heart, I could already imagine being old as it grew into an adult and had its own children, and – woosh – it was all gone."

He nailed it. And then he worries that by sharing their success, which he says many people have gone through more, he might make others feel the way they did. And yes! That is a huge worry. But, more than anything, their story brings hope, a reminder that it is possible. And I know my story is very small compared to theirs, but we can't compare. We need to remember that grief is grief.

Anyway, I will end with this.

I had to go to the lab to get my hCG levels tested (which is one sure way to take you back to square one with crying and emotions all over) - so I went and bought a shirt I loved after. And, while my mom may roll her eyes at me for spending money to make me happy, I don't regret buying this shirt and can't wait to wear it in New York next week!

{ t h r e e } years

three years ago, I made the greatest decision ever and I married this handsomest man.

When I say three years, my thought is, "How can it only be three years! I feel like I have had Ashton forever." And that forever has been my favorite. He is my best friend, my husband, my favorite person, and the greatest baby daddy ever. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, and he makes sure I always feel his love.

No joke, every single day, I wonder how I got so lucky. Like really, I am an alright person, but I definitely do not deserve such a perfect husband - I couldn't have even dreamed up a man as wonderful as him. No one could love me more, even though I have a crazy amount of flaws. He finds every opportunity to sincerely compliment me. He is extremely patient and beyond kind. He never complains and always asks what he can do for me. He is genuinely good - no, really the best. He always lets me win and our biggest fights are generally over restaurants. He lives to laugh and I hope that our children all learn to laugh as easily as he does.

seriously though, he still has heart eyes for me! he makes my heart skip a beat.

Then there's the type of dad he is and let me tell you, it is the type of dad that is constantly melting my heart. The things he does for Rooney are things I never thought I would see him do - like share a straw or wipe her nose without thinking twice. I had to stop nursing a few weeks ago and he has put Rooney to bed nearly every night since then and every time, he comes downstairs going on and on about how sweet she is.

And of course, his best friend is Thor and no matter how stinky Thor might be, Ashton always loves him. Thor loves Ashton more than anyone or anything in this world, including food, and it is the sweetest.

While being married to him has been easy, we have faced challenges that haven't been and I am sure there are many many more coming our way. But, the greatest thing about marriage is knowing that I won't ever have to face them alone and that as long as I have him, I can do anything. Together, we can do anything. And the best part - he is mine for eternity! Not just until death, but for longer than we even have the ability to comprehend. I look forward to eternity next to him.

roo + san marcos

There are few things I have to do when I am home, a few things that I just LOVE & are really a part of me.

Luckily, Rooney was able to experience all of them while we were there

- Friends that are more like family

Between Jackie's wedding, staying with the Hofer's, and visiting friends - Rooney was able to meet lots of people who have been influential in my life. 

- Killer Pizza From Mars (our very first stop once we got into town)

She used her two teeth and went to town on pizza that I love, but aways forget just how truly delicious it is!

- Mr. Taco

The bean and cheese was good, but it was the horchata that she couldn't get enough of!

- The beach!!!!

The weather wasn't all that warm, but Rooney tried so hard to get in the water. And then she rolled in the sand. I can't wait for our next trip out there so she can actually get wet! And if I am being honest, she was just as happy at the beach as she was at Disneyland.

Until next time San Diego. We miss you already!

xoxo