why opposition is a good thing

as i mentioned earlier, i am pushing to read my scriptures every day. & not just read them, but actually study them too.

i was studying 2 Nephi 2. the whole chapter is Lehi addressing his son Jacob, giving him some wonderful words of wisdom. words that we all could benefit from hearing.

in verse 10 it reads: "for it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things." he goes on to say that without the good, there would be no bad. no law, no sin ---> no sin, no righteousness ---> no righteousness, no happiness ---> no righteousness & happiness, no sin & misery. without these things there would be no God & if there was no God, there would be no us, no earth, no creation! what a humbling thought.

he also that because of opposition, we have the choice to act or be acted upon. James E. Faust once said, "being acted upon means someone else is pulling the strings." it is my life, & with the help of my heavenly father, i would like to be the one making the decisions. we need to act for ourselves, which includes deciding how we want to react to situations.

the really neat part of this post is what happened hours after i had these thoughts about my scripture study. i was with my mother in law & we were talking about life & the roller coaster that i seem to be on. she pointed out the fact that this sadness i might be feeling will make the happiness so much happier. she also mentioned that rather than dwelling on these trials forever & questioning why we are experiencing them, we should be looking for the lesson. (i seriously got the greatest mother in law. she lets me open up & never judges me. plus she's full of the advice i always need to hear.)

we have to experience the trials & i believe we have to let ourselves go through the emotions too. that is something i have really been fighting - trying to push those emotions back, but we need to let it happen! & as much as we need to have those feelings, we also need to choose to not let them take over.

i don't know if any of this post makes much sense - my brain has been going nonstop (especially when i was trying to sleep last night). but i hope someone is able to see the good in opposition the way i have the last few days.

xoxo


oh. & i should add this article. a friend recently sent it to me. life is hard, suffering is optional. remember, we get to choose! 

remembering what you've got

this most recent loss has really thrown me. i have had to turn to prayer constantly.


& believe me when i say that he has answered those prayers & then some. i have received revelations that have helped to heal my heart. i would share them here, but they are sacred & unbelievably sweet.


but what i can share is the reminder i have been given.


to be grateful now. right now. to look at what i have & spend every second loving it. to give what i have, everything i have.


so this morning, i woke up before roo (!!!!) to work out & shower. after she woke up, i made  her breakfast, & while she ate, we studied our scriptures together - something i am trying to do more regularly again. what a pick me up! one that i have needed.


the other day, we went to the zoo. i watched ashton as he showed rooney all the animals, & let's just say, it was a good thing i had my sunglasses on. my heart was full. full because i married a man who will brave the crowd & the heat to spend time with us. full because rooney is my greatest blessing. full because i believe my family is the greatest thing in the world.


things aren't easy, but i truly have a lot to be grateful for. & i bet you do too.

what it all comes down to

well, i have been thinking a lot today about the changing world we live in.


this post isn't about my stance on the so many controversial things happening, but more about how we are going about it all wrong. you might not live the same lifestyle as me, believe the same things as me, or have the same opinions as me. that is and should be ok!


i have seen lots of hostility on social media. one opinion has to be "right" and if you don't agree, you must be "wrong". we are constantly judging. we are always comparing.


the way i see it though, is that we are lucky to live in a country where we have the freedom to believe what we want, have our own opinions. it's sad to me that we might be afraid to share them because of the terrible things others might say.


i have come up with a simple solution.


all we have to do is love


love before you speak. love before you act. love before you judge.


support those around you. build them up. hand out smiles and compliments (they are free!). you're opinion might be different, but there has to be a way for you to share it without tearing the other person down or not get offended if someone doesn't agree.


we don't know what is happening in another's life, but we do know that life is hard!


so, as we start a new week - make sure that love comes first.

a morning with my doctor

This was Rooney at her wellness check on Thursday.

But it is definitely how I felt today.

I have been waiting for this appointment since I knew I was going to miscarry. I just couldn't wait to sit with my doctor and feel like I was being proactive in getting my babies here.

Then, last night, I couldn't sleep. I was overwhelmed with fear. After I got pregnant with Roo, I assumed maybe my miscarriages were just flukes. I was hopeful. Then last month happened and now I have doubts (I feel they are justified) and of course my brain starts thinking maybe Roo was my fluke/miracle and miscarriages are my normal. Then that leads to what if there won't be more?! And then that turns into crying and very little sleep.

I walked in for my appointment holding back the tears that had already broken through multiple times today. There is nothing harder than walking into an obgyn after a loss - all the smiling, happy pregnant mamas, the couples gushing over ultrasounds, and then the mamas in for checkups with their babies.

Dr. Larsen walked in and I think I did a pretty good job holding those tears (mostly) in. He told me we can try every test he can think of, but there's only a 50% chance that they will show us anything. On top of that, if the chromosomal testing (that both Ashton and I are going to do) comes back irregular, there isn't much we can do and my chances of miscarriage will always be about 60% - even thought my current miscarriage rate is 75%. But I am willing to do anything to just have some answers. Even knowing that my chances of miscarriage will always be high would help me prepare. He will also check my uterus: see if I have a septate uterus as well as take a sample of it before a cycle to check progesterone levels in my lining.

He then said once we have results, we can consult with some specialists be recommends and see if there is more they would suggest we do.

So, all in all, this process will take a few months. I will continue to be emotional. I will continue to wish there was more I could do. But, at least I have these steps to check off and feel like I am doing something to make this better.

For all of you who have sent so many positive thoughts and prayers my way, I can't thank you enough.

father's day

I don't even know where to begin!

Happy Father's Day to my sweet dad and Rooney's Babbo. I am constantly overwhelmed by your wisdom and I never want to forget the power you have or the spirit I have felt as you share life lessons with us. Thank you.

Happy Father's Day to the father of my dear husband and Rooney's Grandpa. Ashton is who he is because of you and we are so grateful. Thanks for being the example that every boy needs while growing up.

Happy Father's Day to my love, Ashton!

Rooney lights up when Ashton walks into the room. First thing she says when she wakes up in the morning is, "Dada! Dada!" and if I walk in to get her, she literally gives me a disappointed sigh and then runs into my bedroom searching for Ashton. She gets jealous when I hug him and will do anything to be the girl next to him. From the very beginning, I knew she was going to be a daddy's girl and it is the sweetest thing to witness.

 Rooney, Thor, and I more than adore/love you. We are really, basically, just obsessed with you. I am constantly in awe with your kindness, patience, and willingness. You never complain, never hesitate, and never fail to smother me (or Rooney, or Thor) with love. I really hope that Rooney grows up to be more you than me. You are (our) everything and I have loved watching you become such a wonderful father to our babies.

      that smile is because she is with her dad

fern estelle

Kelsey made me an aunt again!

sweet baby fern joined us on Monday, June 13th. She is perfect and everything lovely. I am so excited to watch Rooney try her hand at being a "big" cousin!

michelle + cheryl

I have this aunt, Michelle, and she is one of my most favorite people. Michelle has taught me a lot throughout my life. Some of those things include buying a bra (even though I so badly was against it and in denial that I even needed one), shaving my legs, international travel, & buying my first car. She is generous. She is compassionate. She is selfless. And she is so willing to help those in need. I look up to her more than she will ever know and I have so many memories with her that I hold near and dear to my heart.

Six years ago, she found love and last Saturday, June 11th, Michelle and Cheryl were married! 

Congratulations you two! We love you so much and are tremendously blessed to call you both family.

xoxo

rainbow babies

I just posted this video on facebook. It is about rainbow babies - a baby born after any form of pregnancy loss. Obviously, I have posted quite a bit about my experiences with miscarriages a lot lately, as it has had a huge impact on my life.

I write these posts and then quickly try to follow them up, hide them, between  happier posts. I don't want people feeling bad. I especially don't want my friends who are expecting to be afraid to say something. I am truly happy for you as I know these babies are miracles.

Posting on facebook made me realize that these aren't posts I should hide. I want to change the way we talk about loss. Not everyone is the same, but I have come to find that the healing process is easier as you grieve with people. Part of my grieving process was writing my posts.

So, here are my posts dedicated to pregnancy loss, if you are interested in reading through them. I have many others where I mention my miscarraiges, but these are the ones that I really put a lot of time and thought into.

- loss

- more on pregnancy loss

The end of the video is dedicated to parents who have experienced such heartache, but I love how he also says, "This video is dedicated to...rainbow babies who have taught us that the sun shines brightest after the rain." Rooney is definitely my sunshine.

Photos of her being sunshine:

the { w e d d i n g }

my best friend got married!

There aren't words to describe how happy this wedding has made me. Aubrey has been my go-to girl since my byu days. She has been my best friend, wingman, dancing partner, my crazy let's camp out for basketball games friend, my let's watch the game friend, the quarterback on the only intramural team I played on, the friend willing to come and meet (and love) my students, the person I turn to about everything, (in fact, she is on her honeymoon right now and I already have a list of things I am dying to tell her...) and Rooney's aunt.

Aubrey and Preston's relationship started nearly 10 years ago and I have been able to witness the whole thing. From their first day our freshman year, to letters over the mission, soooo many dates, and finally true love! In fact, I have rooted for Preston for a long time. I couldn't be happier to see them fall so in love.

Everything about Friday was perfect. Aubrey looked beautiful and absolutely radiant. It is obvious how happy he makes her. Preston was (emotional) and so very smitten by her. I am a big fan of them together - if I haven't said that already.

Their special day was one of the most magical and dreamy that I have ever seen. A wonderful celebration of true love!

 off to catch the subway for wedding day brunch

rosa mexicano with some of my favorites. ps. if you are in nyc, you definitely have to eat here! 

so in love

 our first picture with the new MRS. DARGER!

 aubrey & her ladies + josh

 long live virginia 6 and all of our traditions

 the best cheernastics picture we have ever taken

 have I told you guys how much this girl means to me? I am constantly overwhelmed by all of her goodness, her willingness to love, serve, and give, and simply by the fact that she is my best friend! 

 levains between all the festivities (as if i hadn't had enough sweets yet - all I can think is, thankfully, we were walking about 25,000 steps a day).

we're on a boat!

 if we were to have a sitcom, it would be a must watch, and this would be our picture

 I've always hoped for Aubrey to marry someone I got along with, that Ashton would become friends with - so to watch her marry Preston, someone I have called a dear friend for several years now, was a dream come true. I love you both! Today was wonderful, beautiful, perfect.

 the city never looked so good

 time square + all the lights

I can't believe the new york adventure is over. It was a wonderful few days spent with people I love celebrating one of the greatest loves I've seen.