a morning with my doctor

This was Rooney at her wellness check on Thursday.

But it is definitely how I felt today.

I have been waiting for this appointment since I knew I was going to miscarry. I just couldn't wait to sit with my doctor and feel like I was being proactive in getting my babies here.

Then, last night, I couldn't sleep. I was overwhelmed with fear. After I got pregnant with Roo, I assumed maybe my miscarriages were just flukes. I was hopeful. Then last month happened and now I have doubts (I feel they are justified) and of course my brain starts thinking maybe Roo was my fluke/miracle and miscarriages are my normal. Then that leads to what if there won't be more?! And then that turns into crying and very little sleep.

I walked in for my appointment holding back the tears that had already broken through multiple times today. There is nothing harder than walking into an obgyn after a loss - all the smiling, happy pregnant mamas, the couples gushing over ultrasounds, and then the mamas in for checkups with their babies.

Dr. Larsen walked in and I think I did a pretty good job holding those tears (mostly) in. He told me we can try every test he can think of, but there's only a 50% chance that they will show us anything. On top of that, if the chromosomal testing (that both Ashton and I are going to do) comes back irregular, there isn't much we can do and my chances of miscarriage will always be about 60% - even thought my current miscarriage rate is 75%. But I am willing to do anything to just have some answers. Even knowing that my chances of miscarriage will always be high would help me prepare. He will also check my uterus: see if I have a septate uterus as well as take a sample of it before a cycle to check progesterone levels in my lining.

He then said once we have results, we can consult with some specialists be recommends and see if there is more they would suggest we do.

So, all in all, this process will take a few months. I will continue to be emotional. I will continue to wish there was more I could do. But, at least I have these steps to check off and feel like I am doing something to make this better.

For all of you who have sent so many positive thoughts and prayers my way, I can't thank you enough.

father's day

I don't even know where to begin!

Happy Father's Day to my sweet dad and Rooney's Babbo. I am constantly overwhelmed by your wisdom and I never want to forget the power you have or the spirit I have felt as you share life lessons with us. Thank you.

Happy Father's Day to the father of my dear husband and Rooney's Grandpa. Ashton is who he is because of you and we are so grateful. Thanks for being the example that every boy needs while growing up.

Happy Father's Day to my love, Ashton!

Rooney lights up when Ashton walks into the room. First thing she says when she wakes up in the morning is, "Dada! Dada!" and if I walk in to get her, she literally gives me a disappointed sigh and then runs into my bedroom searching for Ashton. She gets jealous when I hug him and will do anything to be the girl next to him. From the very beginning, I knew she was going to be a daddy's girl and it is the sweetest thing to witness.

 Rooney, Thor, and I more than adore/love you. We are really, basically, just obsessed with you. I am constantly in awe with your kindness, patience, and willingness. You never complain, never hesitate, and never fail to smother me (or Rooney, or Thor) with love. I really hope that Rooney grows up to be more you than me. You are (our) everything and I have loved watching you become such a wonderful father to our babies.

      that smile is because she is with her dad

fern estelle

Kelsey made me an aunt again!

sweet baby fern joined us on Monday, June 13th. She is perfect and everything lovely. I am so excited to watch Rooney try her hand at being a "big" cousin!

michelle + cheryl

I have this aunt, Michelle, and she is one of my most favorite people. Michelle has taught me a lot throughout my life. Some of those things include buying a bra (even though I so badly was against it and in denial that I even needed one), shaving my legs, international travel, & buying my first car. She is generous. She is compassionate. She is selfless. And she is so willing to help those in need. I look up to her more than she will ever know and I have so many memories with her that I hold near and dear to my heart.

Six years ago, she found love and last Saturday, June 11th, Michelle and Cheryl were married! 

Congratulations you two! We love you so much and are tremendously blessed to call you both family.

xoxo

rainbow babies

I just posted this video on facebook. It is about rainbow babies - a baby born after any form of pregnancy loss. Obviously, I have posted quite a bit about my experiences with miscarriages a lot lately, as it has had a huge impact on my life.

I write these posts and then quickly try to follow them up, hide them, between  happier posts. I don't want people feeling bad. I especially don't want my friends who are expecting to be afraid to say something. I am truly happy for you as I know these babies are miracles.

Posting on facebook made me realize that these aren't posts I should hide. I want to change the way we talk about loss. Not everyone is the same, but I have come to find that the healing process is easier as you grieve with people. Part of my grieving process was writing my posts.

So, here are my posts dedicated to pregnancy loss, if you are interested in reading through them. I have many others where I mention my miscarraiges, but these are the ones that I really put a lot of time and thought into.

- loss

- more on pregnancy loss

The end of the video is dedicated to parents who have experienced such heartache, but I love how he also says, "This video is dedicated to...rainbow babies who have taught us that the sun shines brightest after the rain." Rooney is definitely my sunshine.

Photos of her being sunshine:

the { w e d d i n g }

my best friend got married!

There aren't words to describe how happy this wedding has made me. Aubrey has been my go-to girl since my byu days. She has been my best friend, wingman, dancing partner, my crazy let's camp out for basketball games friend, my let's watch the game friend, the quarterback on the only intramural team I played on, the friend willing to come and meet (and love) my students, the person I turn to about everything, (in fact, she is on her honeymoon right now and I already have a list of things I am dying to tell her...) and Rooney's aunt.

Aubrey and Preston's relationship started nearly 10 years ago and I have been able to witness the whole thing. From their first day our freshman year, to letters over the mission, soooo many dates, and finally true love! In fact, I have rooted for Preston for a long time. I couldn't be happier to see them fall so in love.

Everything about Friday was perfect. Aubrey looked beautiful and absolutely radiant. It is obvious how happy he makes her. Preston was (emotional) and so very smitten by her. I am a big fan of them together - if I haven't said that already.

Their special day was one of the most magical and dreamy that I have ever seen. A wonderful celebration of true love!

 off to catch the subway for wedding day brunch

rosa mexicano with some of my favorites. ps. if you are in nyc, you definitely have to eat here! 

so in love

 our first picture with the new MRS. DARGER!

 aubrey & her ladies + josh

 long live virginia 6 and all of our traditions

 the best cheernastics picture we have ever taken

 have I told you guys how much this girl means to me? I am constantly overwhelmed by all of her goodness, her willingness to love, serve, and give, and simply by the fact that she is my best friend! 

 levains between all the festivities (as if i hadn't had enough sweets yet - all I can think is, thankfully, we were walking about 25,000 steps a day).

we're on a boat!

 if we were to have a sitcom, it would be a must watch, and this would be our picture

 I've always hoped for Aubrey to marry someone I got along with, that Ashton would become friends with - so to watch her marry Preston, someone I have called a dear friend for several years now, was a dream come true. I love you both! Today was wonderful, beautiful, perfect.

 the city never looked so good

 time square + all the lights

I can't believe the new york adventure is over. It was a wonderful few days spent with people I love celebrating one of the greatest loves I've seen.