pregnancy & infant loss remembrance

so, the majority of my posts the last few years have been about my experiences through pregnancy loss. i feel like i am on this soapbox A LOT & for a while, i was feeling guilty about it. but why? i think i worry people get so sick of hearing about this seemingly constant trial i am going through, but i have had so many people reach out to me because they are going through something similar. & let me tell you - that has been the best healer for me. to be able to help other women just by talking.

october is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance month. they say 1 in 4 women experience this loss. honestly, i think it is a lot more than that. i went through my closest friends & did the math.

- my mama & sisters 2 of 4 of us have experienced loss.
- my childhood friends 4 of 5 of us have experienced loss.
- my college/adult friends 4 of 5 of us have experienced loss.

these are just the women i am the very closest with & who been pregnant. that is A LOT of loss.

then there are the women who i have become close with through talking about my losses. some of these women were friends in high school or were in a class with me at BYU, some of them had previously just been acquaintances & a few of them are friends of my sisters. most of them i hadn't talked to for years. but they have now become my confidants, my go-to's during that time of month. we cheer each other on. we have each other's backs. we are bound together through empathy & these relationships are beautiful.



as most of you know, i recently had an ectopic pregnancy to add to pregnancy loss list. this one has thrown me a little because it physically altered my body (loss of my left fallopian tube) & i was not sure how that would affect our ability to get pregnant. when i asked my doctor here in arkansas if it would make it harder to get pregnant, he simply reassured me that i would be back in his office within a few months because i would be pregnant.

well. i am not. this

is the longest we have had to try, which if you do that math & count the months since my ectopic, it isn't that long. BUT, hear me out. this is the longest we have had to try by a few months, which feels like forever. & getting pregnant was never our hard part. our hard part is staying pregnant. so, it now appears that both might be hard which is extremely discouraging/makes me an emotional beast the week of my period (just ask anyone who talked to me at church last sunday (insert eyeroll emoji)).

as i have mentioned before, this time around is different because i am genuinely happy when i see others pregnant. i am so grateful for that. but it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt when i see a "we're pregnant" post or a mama snuggling a newborn. i so badly want that.

i will close this post with a picture i shared earlier this month on instagram:

October is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. Spreading awareness is something I have become passionate about, not just because it is all around us yet no one ever talks about it, but also because it helps heal me & bonds me to others who have experienced loss.

Two days after Mother’s Day and two days before Gus turned one, I lost another baby along with my left tube. I thought miscarriages were my trials and this ectopic hit me out of nowhere, so out of nowhere that I never really mourned. I just kept on living. This is the only picture I have from that day - just minutes before they took me into surgery.

I recently realized that I should be almost 7 months pregnant. Oh how I wish I had a cute little baby bump. It took 3 months, but I have finally mourned my loss. 

Over the 5 1/2 years of our marriage, I have been pregnant 6 times. I am sure many look at us, our two beautiful children, and think we have a perfect life. And we do. I am so blessed. And as much as I adore and absolutely LOVE Rooney and Guster, I have four angel babies that my heart longs to hold. 

Never assume. Never judge. We don’t know what people are going through. So make sure you love first.

hours in a day

do you ever feel like there just isn't enough time? that there are so many things you need to do, but so many more things you want to do? because, that is me. right now.


i need to do those everyday things - like manage my house (SO MUCH CLEANING), keep my kids alive & healthy, make meals, do laundry, etc. my chores. they take up a lot of my day.


the list of things i want to do can go on forever.

• scripture study. i have good intentions & i have my good days & my bad days, but it is not consistent. this really should be a need for me & hopefully, with sometime, it will get there.
• not just keep my kids alive, but make them happy (without the use of the TV). that's a current goal - lessen our screen time & IT IS HARD! how do i make food, clean, or even go to the bathroom without the tv?!!! my kids are at my feet the minute that thing is off. we have started listening to music, books on tape, doing puzzles, & i recently bought some blocks. but guess what - that is more for me to clean!!! also, i want to play with them more. i want to spend more time being focused on just them (not them & mac 'n cheese on the stove...).
•  what do you guys do? what are your favorite open ended/imagination inspiring toys? please help.
• read - i have a new obsession with reading. i am currently reading Anne of the Island, Educated, & Girl, Wash Your Face. ALL of them have me enthralled. i cannot stop.
• VIPKID. so i actually got hired 19 days ago. cool. but no one was signing up for my classes. until this morning. i forgot to turn off the short notice option, so i happened to look at my phone at 6:50 this morning and i had a notification that said, "you have a class in 10 minutes." WHAT???!!! guys. it was a mad rush & i think it went ok, but it as thrown me through a loop today. also, i really want to do this. i want to have a little extra income to put towards my dreams - mostly traveling. also, can we talk about how much this will take over my mornings, the only time i feel productive? & there is still so much prep i feel i need to do before each class.
• exercise. it makes such a difference & i love starting my morning that way, but it doesn't always. honestly, my health is something i am working on. i am trying to eat ALL the veggies - so send me all your favorite veggie recipes please. i was doing so well with exercise before my ectopic & then i sort of melted during recovery (which was so hard - both physically, mentally, oh, & emotionally too). it has taken me a lot to get back into a regular workout & i am keeping it calm with yoga, when i get around to working out.
• meditation. i am so intrigued by meditation. it is something i would love to incorporate into my day. i mean, 5 minutes. i can do 5 minutes a day right? ya...
• family home evening. family prayer. family scripture study. we always say we will do them before bedtime, but you guys, 7:00 rolls around and i am in a mad dash mode to get my kids in bed so i can chill.
• embroider. remember how i was doing hoops&threads? ya. it has been a month since i last embroidered anything & i miss it.
• watch shows with ashton, doing nothing, after the kids go to bed. this is our thing. it is how we unwind together before bed.
• write posts in my blog. i don't do it often. i am no necessarily good at it. & i do not have a following, but i have lots of thoughts in my head that i would like to get out somewhere. which also leads to how i should probably keep a journal, too. so many things.
• shower, put make up on, take care of my hair, my face, my nails, etc.

you guys. there's a lot of good stuff on my want list. how do i get it in? i feel like i need to wake up at 5 (i am available to teach from 6 to 8) & go to bed at midnight if i want to do any of this. also, give up social media & my evening tv time. i remember elder bednar's good, better, best & will probably go read that after this, but how do you guys do it? do i just pick one evening a week to focus on one thing? is it easier once kids are in school? do you have a time saving trick? tell me! 

please?

the aftermath

the tati after miscarriages was bitter, sad, & heartbroken. i couldn't be around anyone who was expecting without feeling that twinge of jealousy. being that way was hard & i hated those feeling. i knew they weren't good, but i couldn't help it. even after my successful pregnancies, i continued to almost roll my eyes when another mom so easily got pregnant. i would instantly count how many months apart their babies would be - like that would tell me if they struggled or not & worthy of my happiness. i am now rolling my eyes at myself. ugh.


but this loss, while harder physically than even my c-sections, has been a completely different experience. i am sad, but not heartbroken. i mean, really, 25% of women experience a miscarriage - i have had 3. only 1 to 2% of pregnancies are ectopic & even less lose a fallopian tube due to rupture. when i look at those stats, i do wonder why me & every time i get ready to be mad at Heavenly Father for putting me through another loss, i am overwhelmed by the love He has shown me through this entire ordeal.


-  my parents. they made plans in february to come see us for gus's first birthday. in february, they bought plane tickets to get in to fort smith on the 15th. i even told them they could fly into okc or tulsa & we would come get them, but no, they flew to fort smith. & what a blessing! i went to the ER on the morning of the 15th. they got to my house just a few hours after my surgery. if they hadn't been here that first week post-op, i probably would have needed ashton to stay home from work. plus, who doesn't need their mom when life is hard?


-  dinners. i am so grateful to my wonderful ministering sisters & a relief society president who is so quick to serve.


- flowers. never underestimate the power of flowers. they can bring so much joy & no one can ever have enough. it might be a simple gesture, but it's telling someone that you are thinking of them & that means the word.


- wonderful grandma fry passed away on May 23rd & she is so missed. when my mother in law told us, she said, "i can't help but think she is with your babies right now, getting to know them." those words resonated in my heart. i felt not only grandma fry there, but my grandma thorkelson too. they are surrounded by family & i will have eternity to raise them.


- the biggest tender mercy (tied with my parents being here, of course) was the disappearance of jealousy. i even helped throw a baby shower a week later & did it happily! i have had a few friends call to tell me they are expecting and i experienced true happiness for them. i even told a friend that finally my loss doesn't outweigh someone else's joy.


as far as my baby though, i am still numb. i knew for nearly 2 weeks that i was pregnant before i went to the ER. i had plenty of time to dream and plan for my January 9th baby. we had names picked. we had already discussed the need for a minivan. & while i was hesitant like i always am early in pregnancy, i felt good, peaceful, & secure in this new pregnancy.


but, here i am...empty.

empty, but not mourning. i haven't had a real good cry & i keep going back & forth on how i feel about that. with every miscarriage, i have cried for a good week. i miss baby, but i feel ok. maybe i am used to the loss part? part of me worries that it means i didn't have a relationship with this little one & that terrifies me. but as i sit here, writing these words, i know that isn't true. sweet baby is there, with my other babies gone too soon & the sweet angels waiting to come to us. i am so proud that i was chosen to help their sweet little spirits gain bodies. it is such a tender mercy to have this knowledge & a testimony in the eternal bonds of family.


my army in heaven continues to grow.

my ectopic experience

the evening before Mother's Day, May 12, 2018, i saw a bright red streak & defeatedly told Ashton that we were losing our baby. i kept waiting for the cramping to start, the clots to pass - i know how a miscarriage is supposed to go. but the bleeding stayed light & inconsistent & the cramping never came.


that night, i woke up to a pain in my lower left abdomen. there was still a little bit of bright bleeding, but the pain was sharp & direct. i felt pressure & bloated. i reached out to mel (thanks girl for being awake at 2:00am!) we discussed the pain & she mentioned that it could be ectopic. i had recently read women describing their ectopic pregnancies on a facebook group & my pain didn’t match what they described. I eventually was able to fall back asleep & woke up the next morning feeling well enough to go to church.


no bleeding of cramping the rest of sunday & monday.


i called multiple OB's & clinics. no one would see me since i wasn't an established patient. it was unbelievably frustrating, to say the least. i knew i was pregnant, knew i wasn't miscarrying, but i also knew that something wasn't right. everyone told me to go to the ER, but i was feeling ok & not up for forking over $150. i even called the nurses line for my OB in Utah & explained my symptoms. she took my information to my doctor & called me back to tell me that he wanted to get me in for hcg blood draws & an ultrasound at the appropriate time. it was then that i had to sheepishly tell  her that we had moved, i couldn't get an OB to seem me, but i wanted to get an opinion before going to the ER. i even cried as i told her how much i missed them - i will blame pregnancy hormones.


at 5:30 am on tuesday morning (May 15th), a loud roar of thunder woke me up. i realized that pain was back. i sat up. went to the bathroom. walked around. the pain stayed. i said a prayer asking for the pain to be strong enough for me to go to the ER if i needed to.


the pain quickly got stronger. i couldn't sit up. i had to stay standing. my stomach was unbelievably swollen. i got ashton up to give me a blessing. i pumped while i was standing (couldn't leave gus without milk/i didn't want to be leaking at the hospital).

then, i drove myself to the hospital. big bolts of lightning flew across the sky as a pink sunrise began to appear. it was awe inspiring & my heart was calm.


i got to the hospital around 6:10. the nurses seemed skeptical when they checked me in.

"why do you think you're miscarrying?" 

"um. actually, i am not so sure that i am. i just know that something is wrong. i have miscarried before, but this time it's different."

"when was your last period?"

"August of 2016. i am still nursing my son."

the looks i got from that last answer!

"are you sure you're pregnant?"

"yes. i took a test 10 days ago."

they got me to a room. drew some blood. got a urine sample. i waited. the pain started to fade & i was worried that i had come for no reason. a kind doctor came in & talked with me. he felt my abdomen & the pain on my left side was wince worthy.

around 7:50, there was an ultrasound. she couldn't see much so she asked me to empty my bladder & did the longest transvaginal ultrasound ever. i could tell that she concentrated on my left side & it wasn't my favorite.


more waiting & around 8:30, the kind doctor was back. he explained that my hcg levels were at 4000. an embryo can typically be spotted between 1000 & 1200, but nothing was in my uterus, but there was  a 5 cm mass just outside of my left ovary. an OB (ironically enough, one that i called just the day before) would come to talk to me about the next step. it was most likely an ectopic pregnancy, but they couldn't say for sure.


shortly after, the doctor came back & said that the OB was stuck in a surgery, but would like me to go to pre-pop where he would meet me & explain what was happening. all the doctor would tell me was that i would be having a procedure.


around 8:50 both my ER & pre-op nurses came in & i was not at all ready to go for surgery. they were rushing me for an IV & getting me in a gown. they were also surprised that i was alone & said i should get ashton there ASAP. since ashton wasn't there to take my belongings, security had to be called to hold onto it for me. my angel husband got the kids dressed, ready & to pre-op within half an hour!


more waiting, but now in pre-op. nurses kept talking about this procedure, but no one could tell me what it was.

the OB made it in & pulled up pictures of my ultrasound. fallopian tubes are about the width of a pencil & the embryo in my left  tube was 7cm. he said it was definitely ectopic & that they would go in laparoscopically via three incisions - one in my belly button & two lower, along my c-section incision. they were hopeful to make two cuts into my tube & pull the embryo out, but if my tube had ruptured, it would also need to be removed.


ashton & i were told that the surgery would be finished in about 30-45 minutes. shorter if all went well, longer if  the tube had ruptured. ashton took the kids to the waiting room.


minutes later, the OB came back & said, "you're a pretty tough person huh?" i was a little confused & said something along the lines of, "ya, i think so." thinking he was referring to my history with pregnancy loss & how well i was holding it all together. he then told me that i had about 300 cc's of blood in my stomach. my tube had definitely ruptured & would need to be removed. he was shocked that i wasn't in more pain.


the anesthesiologist came out & within 5 minutes, things were out of focus. i barely remember moving onto the operating table - something about a pink cushion that my bum had to be below?? then i was waking up with this faint memory of pushing nurses off of me & struggling to breathe. apparently, i asked my nurse all the same questions over & over (she was obviously annoyed) & i was insanely thirsty.


my nurse helped me use the restroom & then i was being wheeled to the car. talking to ashton now - that whole surgery/recovery took about two hours.


my ectopic experience was not at all like those of the women who have shared on various LDS mom facebook groups that i belong to. many of them described unbearable pain - like throwing up from pain. an ulstrasound tech said that she can tell just by looking at a patient that it's ectopic because they are sickly pale with dark circles around their eyes. i don't think anyone would have been able to look at me & tell that something was wrong.


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it's been just over two month since everything happened & since i wrote most of this post. there is still some of that numb feeling.

when i went into my follow up appointment, my OB kept saying things like "if you had taken a step too hard, things could have changed drastically in seconds" or "it was a good thing you got to the hospital when you did because you were a time bomb just seconds from going off". i still can't believe that i had gotten to that point. like i said earlier, i just didn't feel like things were that bad.

life has kept going. it has kept me busy. being down a fallopian tube hasn't changed much, at least not yet. i might say differently when it comes time for us to try getting pregnant. & then again - how much of it will be because i do miscarry often vs. only having one fallopian tube? my OB doesn't think having one tube will make much of a difference. he also told me he has a feeling he will see me again in a few months because of a positive test, so let's hope that comes true!

one last thing. this will probably be the hardest part about having had an ectopic pregnancy. as soon as i get that positive pregnancy test, i have to come in and begin blood work & early ultrasounds. this is because once you have had an ectopic, you are more likely to have another. well, because of my miscarriages, i have tried to put off having an appointment until 10 weeks. in my experience, when i go in at 8 weeks & we look at the ultrasound, doctors always say something along the lines of "you must not be as far along as you thought because there is no fetus yet, just a sac." but that is what happens with blighted ovums & within a few weeks, i am miscarrying. so...yay for doctors being proactive, but boo for knowing i am going to miscarry around 6 weeks & having to go 4 more weeks anticipating it happening. hopefully, this isn't the case. hopefully, i go in at 6 weeks and hcg tests double as they should & everything goes smoothly. hopefully.