my hysterosalpingogram

A hysterosalpingogram or HSG "is an x-ray procedure used to see whether the fallopian tubes are patent (open) and if the inside of the uterus (uterine cavity) is normal."


since my tubes are open and getting pregnant is not my problem, i had the procedure done to make sure that my uterus had no abnormalities. my doctor was thinking that maybe i had a septate uterus. that would explain my miscarriages.


my hsg was wednesday morning. i was pretty anxious as my research had shown that this can be very uncomfortable and cause camping. if you don't know, i have a severe fear of pain. pretty sure i can handle pain, it's just the thought that freaks me out. plus, before i had rooney, my doctor tried to break my water (several times) and that was pretty traumatizing.

i was in tears and holding the nurse's hand (she was the sweetest) as we started, anticipating what was going to happen. but, i handled it like a champ! & was pleasantly surprised at how little it really bothered me. i did take a midol about half an hour before going to the doctor so i definitely recommend that.


as i watched the dye go into my uterus and through my fallopian tubes, i could tell that my uterus is just right.


so perfect uterus & normal blood tests means we still don't know why. when i told my doctor i was hoping that the hsg would give us something to fix, he told me to hold of and hope that the next procedure is the one that we want to give us answers.


my next step is an endometrial biopsy and it will happen around august 16th. doctor said this can be just as unpleasant as the hsg, but way faster. lots of prayers that this gets us closer to bringing another baby into our family here on earth.

bear lake 2016

bear lake is a highlight of every summer. it is beautiful. & rooney absolutely is in her element there.

 moonrise over the lake is beautiful!

rooney makes that blue wall look so good, right!?

her face when she saw her nana

 the best selfie we have ever taken

water baby!

we had planned to be there from wednesday to saturday, but rooney and thor were both not sleeping well and it was just not working. so we ended up deciding to leave thursday night. which, turned out to be a blessing because rooney ended up sick friday evening through to yesterday.

we're already counting down the days to bear lake next year!

draper days

a few weeks ago, draper had their summer celebration & we LOVE draper days. rooney's first concert was America at draper days last year!

can you believe she used to be so small & round?!

on saturday night they had a big concert featuring artists from kansas & chicago. it was so much fun - though, having a mobile toddler in a big crowd is really a tough act. luckily, babbo & the longboard kept her entertained.

outside concerts + blankets + family --- that is a perfect summer evening!

finding peace

are you guys overwhelmed with the sadness happening around the world these days? because i sure am.

i turn on the news & my heart just drops. it's scary. 

i start to worry about the world rooney will grow up in. it is already so different from the world i knew as a kid.

so over the last week or so, i have started thinking of things i could do to be prepared & also to find some peace in all of this turmoil.

1. prayer! i am trying to talk to my heavenly father the minute i become worried, overwhelmed, or anxious. he knows.

2. scripture study! i wrote a post awhile back about how i am trying to study my scriptures more diligently again. i am not perfect at it, but it is getting better & i am finding strength in the knowledge i find as i study.

3. i gave a lesson to my beehives today about our baptismal covenants & i think they are good things for us to be practicing daily. PLUS, as we keep them in mind, he pours out his spirit upon us & that is exactly what i need right now (& always, right?).

 this is the handout i gave the girls & i strongly felt that focusing on these covenants would make me better, stronger, & help me find the good.

4. spending time with rooney. letting her happiness & love for life wash over me. following her lead for adventure & curiosity.

5. look for the good. there's a lot that makes my heart heavy right now, but there are also stories that will lift & strengthen too.

6. be the good. need ideas? see number 3. but simple things help. smile. take someone cookies. offer to put someone's cart away. write a letter.

7. love. like i have said before, choose to love. 

what are some things you guys are doing to help when the sadness of the world threatens to take over?

also - aren't sundays just the best? church, rest, recharge, family time. i am ready for a new week.

18 month sleep regression

did you know that was a thing? & did you know it can happen earlier? like at almost 15 months 3 weeks & 6 days?

well. that's where we are.

 she let me rock her to sleep. we haven't done this for months. it melted my heart & reminded me that it's all worth it!

also, we discovered a molar this week. poor baby has had it rough!

when someone gets it

i was just working on an embroidery (a really beautiful custom one for my friend Spencer!) & watching jane the virgin. i love this show a lot. but today, it made me cry.

now, if you haven't gotten at least a few episodes into season 2, there are spoilers ahead...

petra miscarried four years prior but is pregnant again. she's one bedrest, but has been such a sass & fired her last two nurses, forcing rafael to work from her suit & care for her. he finally calls her out on it & gives her some attitude back.

poor petra. she finally breaks down & says that she "had to" fire the nurses. "they kept smiling at me & saying, don't worry, you're gonna be fine. that's what they said the last time & it wasn't fine."

that's when i started crying for her, the made up character in my telenovela. but she gets it & i get her. the idea of pregnancy...while I want it so unbelievably bad, it is also absolutely terrifying.

you know, the past few weeks i have been really impressed by women, just women in general. we do a lot. we are so strong! & then we carry loss & continue to care for children, our spouses, ourselves, & each other. i love my pregnancy loss sisters, so much. we get each other & having someone who understands that pain, that hole (or those holes) in your heart.

so when petra said those words, i had to stop & write. 

also, ihadamiscarriage posted this beautiful rainbow with a question that hit me. of course, i have my rainbow baby (one sassy, bossy, & incredibly perfect rooney), but i still daydream about our next baby constantly. 

& for those of you who read about my meeting with my doctor - so far ALL blood tests have come back normal. it kind of leaves me at a loss. i was hoping we would find something, but instead more waiting & more tests are coming.

thanks for reading more of my feelings & letting me spill them to someone who just might get it.

xoxo

how she watches finding nemo

roo & i have figured out our morning routine.

i wake up & work out. she typically wakes up during my work out & will sit in her bed until i am done (this is more dangerous than it used to be as she now knows how to take off her diaper...)

i finish & run upstairs to catch her in the act of pulling off her diaper. i change her & then sit her on the bed, put nemo on, & shower.

she loves nemo so much & i love that it gives me a 10 minute break!

this is how i leave her before getting in the shower:

sitting. sweet. excited. & engaged in the movie.

i come out of the shower to this:

these pictures were taken on two different days. still sweet & still engaged in her movie. just now she has found a way to crawl into the pillow.

she is my favorite.

fourth of july

the fourth of july has been my favorite holiday since i was a kid. all the flags, everyone outside, family, & fireworks! now, showing rooney everything...it couldn't get better.

a few pictures from our patriotic sunday. that cheeser!

taking the wagon down to the centerville parade

my favorite people

parade watching

rooney loves parades because of... chocolate

getting a picture of three toddlers...is not an easy thing

firework watching!

she pretty much head behind us the entire time. it was adorable. at first, i was bummed that she wasn't loving them the way i was hoping. but then catching her watching it from the back window...it was so sweet!

hoops&threads

you guys, you guys!


i have been embroidering since my minnesota winter. i love it so much, but it is a hobby that i can't afford - unless, people pay me to make them cool/beautiful/unique creations.


check out my hoops&threads page up there or go straight to my etsy site. i am still figuring out etsy and pricing and all that good stuff. ideally i would like to have my own site & run things that way, but that's a lot to learn too.


feedback, comments, love, & shares are greatly appreciated.


here are some of my favorite things that are for sale now!

PS. if you made it to the bottom of this post, i am running an i-opened-my-shop sale! 10% off with the code: HOOPSANDTHREADS! it will go through the end of the month.

being happy

if you've been reading my blog, you know that my downs have been outnumbering my ups. miscarriage is hard. waiting (for blood tests & your next cycle for more tests) is hard. everything else that comes with life is hard.


but something happened this weekend. i taught a lesson about the priesthood to the beehives in my ward & while preparing it, i was filled with the spirit & a reminder of the love i have in my  life.


i was prompted to read a letter from porter who is currently serving an lds mission in san jose, california. he sent me a clip from my great great grandma Lerona's journal. she was blessed with many visions & the records she kept of it are now blessing me & i am sure all of her posterity. anyway, what she wrote is very special & dear to my heart & it helped me feel peace.


i also spent all of my last post talking about choosing how we react. & mel has told me so many times that after she lost eloise, she had to choose to be happy. & like my dad said after my first loss, "can you be happy along the way?".


after reading Lerona's journal, it just clicked. things changed. my heart felt healed. that does not mean i don't get teary eyed or stop missing my three angels, but i am full of comfort & a surety that they are waiting for me. it also doesn't mean i haven't stopped reaching out & talking to my friends who are struggling with loss as well. while i have finally accepted things & truly been happy again, talking about these trials continues to bring peace.


i am choosing to stay happy.


won't you be happy with me?