& jesus listening can hear

last week in relief society, our lesson was on elder holland's talk songs sung and unsung. while his talk is beautiful (i mean, it is elder holland) & contains quotes like:

"Believe in yourself, and believe in Him. Don’t demean your worth or denigrate your contribution. Above all, don’t abandon your role in the chorus."

"'Come as you are,' a loving Father says to each of us, but He adds, 'Don’t plan to stay as you are.' We smile and remember that God is determined to make of us more than we thought we could be."

but, it reminded me of a devotional we studied in a class while i was a student at byu. it was 9 years ago, but the story has stuck with me. i thought i had already written a post sharing the story, but i couldn't find it. if i have, & you have already read it, i am sorry, but it's good enough to read again.


it was given on January 7, 1997 by merrill j. bateman, titled a faith that preserves and strengthens. you can read it in its entirety here, but this is the excerpt i want to share:

In closing, I wish to illustrate with a modern-day story the trust that we may place in the Savior. I know that faith in Christ and obedience to the principles of the restored gospel bring answers to prayers and divine help when the hour is darkest. The story that follows concerns a young girl, the fourth child in a family of six children. Her name is Heather. Three of the children, including Heather, suffer from a rare disease called glutaric acidemia. In each case, the onset of the disease occurred during the first year of life when an enzyme attacked the brain, causing paralysis. The disease results in acid forming in the muscles, similar to that which occurs following a period of intense physical activity. The problem faced by the children is that the acid never leaves and causes great pain. Cindy, the first child with the disease, died just over one year ago at the age of 23. She was one of the oldest living persons known with the disease. At death she weighed about 40 pounds. 

Soon after Heather’s birth, the parents realized that she would be physically handicapped and that her spirit would be housed in a body with great restrictions. As she grew, she was confined to a wheelchair, unable to speak, and could only send messages with her eyes. A direct gaze and a smile meant yes. A blink meant no. Despite the handicaps, one could feel the vibrant spirit inside. 

As Heather progressed, it became obvious to the parents that she was extraordinarily bright. She would play guessing games with the family using her limited means to communicate. When she was old enough, the parents enrolled Heather in a special school to see if she could learn to speak. The teacher was a gifted therapist. One morning as Heather and the teacher visited about the prior weekend, the teacher learned that Heather had attended Primary. The teacher then sang for Heather “When He Comes Again” (Songbook, p. 82). The expression on Heather’s face revealed the delight within her. When the teacher asked Heather if she had a favorite song, the young girl’s wide eyes and engaging smile left little doubt. But what was the song? Through a series of questions, the teacher learned that Heather’s song was one she had heard in Primary. She wasn’t sure which songbook it was in, but it was about Jesus. The teacher sang all the songs she could think of, but to no avail. However, Heather was not about to quit—she wanted to share her favorite song. At the end of the day, the two were still searching. The teacher agreed to bring her Primary songbooks to school the next day. 

On the following morning, Heather and her teacher continued the quest. From the first hymn to the last, the little girl blinked her eyes indicating no. They were still unsuccessful. But Heather was not about to give up. She wanted to share her favorite song. Finally, the teacher told Heather that her mother would have to help her find the song and then they would sing it. The next day Heather arrived with the green Church hymnal tucked in her chair, but there was no marker. So they began with the first hymn. The teacher would sing the first part of each song and Heather would give her answer. After the first 100 hymns, there were 100 no’s. After 200 hymns there had been 200 no’s. Finally, the teacher began to sing “There is sunshine in my soul today . . .” (Hymns, 1985, no. 227). Heather’s body jumped, and a big smile crossed her face. Her eyes gazed directly into the teacher’s, indicating success after three days of searching. Both teacher and student rejoiced. 

As the teacher sang the first verse and began the chorus, Heather mustered all her strength and joined in with a few sounds. After finishing the first verse and chorus, the teacher asked if she wanted to hear the rest of the verses, and Heather’s eyes opened wide with a firm yes. The teacher began to sing: 

There is music in my soul today,
A carol to my King,
And Jesus listening can hear
The songs I cannot sing. 

Heather’s reaction to these lines was so strong that the teacher stopped. As the reality and significance of the words pressed on the teacher’s mind, she wondered if those lines were the reason Heather liked the song? The teacher asked: “Heather, is that what you like about the song? Is that what you want me to know? Does Jesus listen? Does he hear the songs you cannot sing?” 

The direct, penetrating gaze was a clear answer. 

Feeling guided by the Spirit, the teacher asked, “Heather, does Jesus talk to you in your mind and in your heart? 

Again, the child’s look was penetrating. 

The teacher then asked, “Heather, what does he say?” 

The teacher’s heart pounded as she saw the clear look in Heather’s eyes as the little girl awaited the questions that would allow her to share her insights. 

“Does Jesus say, ‘Heather, I love you’?” 

Heather’s radiant eyes widened and she smiled. 

After a pause, the teacher asked next, “Does he say, ‘Heather, you’re special’?” 

The answer again was yes. 

Finally, the teacher asked, “Does he say, ‘Heather, be patient; I have great things in store for you’?” 

With all her strength, Heather’s head became erect and her eyes penetrated the teacher’s soul. She knew she was loved, she was special, and she only needed to be patient. (Story adapted from Jean Ernstrom, “Jesus, Listening, Can Hear,” Ensign, June 1988, pp. 46–47.) 

Two years later, Heather died because of the ravages of the disease. Her younger brother, Mark, also suffers from the disease but not to the extent of his older sisters. He can talk, although it is not easy. As the parents discussed Heather’s passing and the funeral that would take place, Mark exclaimed, “No go Heather’s funeral!” Heather was his best friend. As the parents tried to explain death to him, he would not be consoled. He was crushed and did not want to attend the service. For two days he could not be persuaded. 

On the morning of the funeral, the father went to Mark’s room to get him up. As he entered the room, Mark was sitting up in bed with a big smile on his face. His first words were: “Dad, go Heather’s funeral!” 

The father responded: “Mark, what has changed your mind?” 

“Dad, had dream.” 

“What did you dream about, Mark?” 

“Dad, dreamed about Heather.” 

“Mark, what was Heather doing?” 

“Oh, Dad, Heather running and jumping and singing ‘There is sunshine in my soul today.’ Dad, go Heather’s funeral.” (Mark’s part of the story was obtained through conversations with the parents and also from the book written by the family: Bruce and Joyce Erickson, When Life Doesn’t Seem Fair [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1995]; see pp. 65–66.)

a few months back, mark came with his mother for a relief society lesson. now, it wasn't until sunday that i connected the dots, that mark's sister was the one whose story has stood out in my life for all this time. when he was talking to the women of our ward, he shared a song that he wrote. there are no words to adequately share the spirit that was felt as he sang his song of hope & faith. he gave each of us a copy of the lyrics & i cherish his words.


listening to him & reading over his song regularly, reminded me that we shouldn't be afraid to ask heavenly father those hard questions & that even if it is years before we get the answer, we must keep holding on to our faith.

one week down

monday marked a week since ashton left for the air traffic control academy in oklahoma.

i have learned a lot in that week:

- i don't like being in bed alone
- my kids are the most important. not the cleaning.
- it is ok to ask/accept help
- our families are amazing, which i already knew, but their support & willingness to help has been such a blessing
- friends who check up on us are the best kind of friends
- take advantage of any naptimes. clean if i can, nap if i am tired, or take some time to myself - they're all ok options!
- stop stressing about things i cannot control
- be flexible! when i was teaching, it was easy for me to be flexible in my classroom. at home, i like to set expectations & meet them. that's alright when it was just me, but impossible to do with kids and without ashton's help

there are also some perks (this is me trying to look on the bright side. i would easily give these up to have ashton back)

- i can turn my lamp on at night when feeding Gus
- i can watch shows without headphones while up in the middle of the night
- no one is here to bring me ice cream/oreos/treats (only a perk since i am trying to get rid of that baby weight. but, if i am being honest, i am really missing those treats)
- less laundry/dishes/cooking.

we sure miss our dada, but when these three months are over we are going to be the happiest little family!

he is here

on the morning of wednesday, may 17th, at precisely 8:00 am, guster james joined our family. he weighed in at 6 pounds 15 ounces & 19 inches long. apparently, my babies don't get very big, & that is ok by me. he came out kicking & screaming - dr. larsen joked that gus had a baritone cry & i would have to agree. this boy has a nice deep cry. it's adorable. everything about him is perfect. we are definitely in love.

so here is the story of gus' delivery.


my doctor gave me the ok to do a vbac & i spent most of my pregnancy trying to decide if i would rather a vbac or go with another c-section. see, the nice thing about roo's delivery is that i didn't have a choice. she wouldn't be here if it weren't for my mama gut telling me something was off & an emergency c-section. with gus, i had a full nine months to go over all the pros & cons, to let it stew around in my brain for hours each day. i reached out to many women that i knew had had multiple c-sections to get their perspective on things. honestly, i wanted to experience the "whole thing" - the contractions, pushing, watching my baby come into the world, BUT i was afraid. i cannot handle the thought of pain, though i like to think i am typically ok when it comes to actually feeling the pain.


i went into this pregnancy assuming i would attempt a vbac. then things happened - i began to doubt my body, specifically my scar that didn't heal correctly the first time. i saw a sister give birth, & while everything turned out 100% perfect, i drove home an emotional wreck. suddenly the idea of a vbac made me very anxious. & of course, the opinions of other women got to me too - some negative, some positive, but most were negative towards multiple c-sections. i felt fear behind the idea of both, but ashamed to choose to have another c-section. it's hard to explain, but it was almost like i was being selfish for choosing a c-section. i would never think less of another woman for choosing a c-section, yet, somehow i still felt like i was being judged? it's a feeling i didn't have with rooney.

ps. just so you know, c-section guilt is a real & common thing. check out number 5 in the article i linked. ding ding ding. that was me.


so after my appointment last thursday (5/11), ashton & i had a lot to talk about. we asked dr. larsen about risks. we discussed how many kids are possible via c-sections. he told us that after two c-sections, i would most likely need to deliver all the rest of my babies the same way. we considered how ashton is leaving for the academy in a month & he wanted as much time as possible with baby gus. we also considered the fact that i wasn't dilating or showing any signs of progress. yes, i know i still had a week of pregnancy left. i told ashton that i wanted someone else to make the decision for me. he didn't hesitate to tell me he thought a c-section would be the better way to go for us.


so, after a blessing (which did not tell me which to choose, like i was selfishly hoping it would) & lots of talk, we decided to go with another c-section. i emailed dr. larsen that saturday morning & monday morning one of the nurses called me to say it was scheduled for wednesday, may 17th at 7:30. monday & tuesday were two VERY long days - two days where i continued to go up & down & all around in my emotions.


wednesday finally came. we had to be to the hospital at 5:30 am that morning. so early. but great too, because i didn't sleep much that night anyway. we open the front door to walk to the car & it is S N O W I N G. you guys. mid may & there was snow. snow is not my favorite, but, it did make for an extra memorable day.


we got to the hospital right on time & they set me up, gave me an iv, & monitored the little man for a few hours. as 7:30 drew closer, my nerves began going crazy. i was on the verge of tears & shaking - must have been the adrenaline & i think my second bag of fluids was cold. the anesthesiologist came in to prep me & just after 7:30, ashton & i followed him into the OR.


once in the OR, the dam broke all my emotions poured out in the form of tears. hormones, anticipation, excitement, fear - it had built up & everything was about to change. the anesthesiologist kindly told me this was normal & then began to insert the spinal block. not my favorite part. definitely some pain & some bizarre-ness (the best word i could think of to describe it) as i could feel the center of my spine. gives me the chills thinking about it. immediately my body started tingling & my legs were getting heavy. they laid me down & then i could feel (but not feel at the same time) them moving my legs around, positioning my body on pillows, placing my catheter. i started feeling sort of panic attack-ish & dr. quiel hooked me up with some oxygen - which helped calm me down. at the beginning i said something about still being able to feel my toes & dr. larsen said, "well, it's a good thing i am not doing surgery on your toes."  ashton & i couldn't stop laughing, it was fun to be able to interact with the doctors since it wasn't a stressful situation like it was with roo. it was nice to calmly go into this c-section, rather than rushing because my baby's life was at risk. it was beautiful to see gus as soon as he was pulled from my body. & then to hold him nearly immediately & keep him with me the entire time i was in recovery was everything that i missed with rooney.

gus immediately began searching for food. we spent the majority of our time in recovery nursing, which is wonderful, but i couldn't really just stare at his face. i wanted to soak in every little bit of his newborn face. from his droopy bottom lip, furrowed brow, & adorable (but masculine) nose. ashton brought rooney in to see her baby brother during recovery - a treat for me! i didn't expect to be able to see her that quickly, but i am so glad i was able to. she was the one person i wanted to see before surgery, but thanks to the snow, that wasn't possible. i think it's safe to say that she is in love with her baby brother.

at the end of our time in recovery, gus' temperature was low. they tried several times & it never went up, so he was taken to the nursery to be put under some warm lights while i was rolled back to our room. gus spent a good half hour being warmed up, while i sat waiting for my baby. luckily, i was surrounded by family & knew that ashton was with our handsome little guy. while in the nursery, a nurse who was in the OR with us, told Ashton that that was the quickest c-section Dr. Larsen had ever done. I believe it took four minutes to get guster out & then another nine minutes to get me all stitched up and surgery to be over.


the rest of our hospital stay was fairly boring - which is perfectly great! gus eats like a champ, except for when it come to my left breast. just like rooney, he prefers the right side. he sleeps deeply - so much so that sometimes it makes feeding really difficult. we had some great visits with family & friends. we were so well taken care of by the sweet nurses & everyone thinks our little mister guster is the absolute cutest. we couldn't agree more.

we have officially been home from the hospital for one full day. i am so glad ashton is here & taking monday off too - it's taking us time to get rooney back on her schedule and then figuring out our routine again. i am also very grateful to all of our family who has stepped up, visited, brought meals, kept us in prayers & sent us their love. we are truly enjoying this together time with our little family of four.

the adventure continues

we have been waiting & waiting for ashton to get his firm offer letter (FOL) for air traffic control. this whole process has been nuts. all i can say is that it is a good thing ashton is more patient than i am (hopefully it rubs off on me eventually).

on april 11th, that day finally came! he got a phone call asking him to accept a position & start at the academy in oklahoma city on may 9th. ahhhh! he mentioned baby boy coming at the end of may so she tentatively told him to plan for june 21st while she gets it approved. ON HIS BIRTHDAY (april 13th), it became officially official!!!

dinner date celebrating his birthday and the big news

i am so proud of ashton. he never gave up, even when there were so many reasons to justify quitting. he has found other ways to provide for us as he has waited for this dream. he continued to have faith & relied on experiences we have had throughout this journey.

so our adventure begins! ashton will leave a few days before the academy starts while rooney, baby boy, thor, & i stay home, pack, & miss him dearly. then he finishes september 15th, drives home to us (& hopefully a u-haul completely packed), because we will head to our new (currently unknown) home almost immediately. it is going to be a whirlwind, not easy, but totally worth it type of adventure. & luckily we are surrounded by family to help us along the way.

rooney's second birthday

my baby turned two on saturday.

i can't believe it's been two years! some days it seems like she has been with us for forever & other days, i seem to blink & she is all grown up.

last week, ashton took some pictures of her & they turned out adorable - of course!

on friday night, we decided to do a birthday dinner at chili's. they brought ice cream out to rooney, who then gave me the goofiest, happiest grins i have ever seen -- which provided for lots of laughs for me & ashton.

then on saturday we had family over for a doc mcstuffins party. rooney was very specific about what she wanted from her party this year & i felt the pressure! luckily, the minute her cousins showed up & the cake was brought out, she was too busy to care about anything else. it was the perfect day to have a bbq (minus the wind) & spend most of her party outside. She loved her party - talked about it every second the week leading up to it & has asked to open presents everyday since. she also told me she wanted strawberry cake for lunch.

san antonio

my cousins grew up in san antonio - because it wasn't ever close to anywhere we lived, we didn't get to see them much growing up & have never visited them in texas.


this weekend, that finally changed!


kaitlyn & john got engaged a year ago & asked rooney & millie to be their flower girls.


mom, kelsey, & i flew out with the girls late thursday (2/23) night & then came home on an early flight on monday morning (2/27).

[[ you guys, rooney has hit a ridiculously hard stage & i have hit full on pregnancy hormones (yay, 3rd trimester) - we make a mess together. i don't know what it is. but i did realize during our last day that she had some teeth making their way through & buying some ibuprofen definitely helped. ps. what almost two year old is still teething!? there were many moments throughout our trip, i thought i just wanted to go home because rooney. ]]


anyway, back to our trip.


friday was a beautiful day, but we had some crazy happenings. we started with manicures for the mamas & the flower girls. rooney made it through one hand & then freaked out & messed it all up. not a huge success. & on par for the turd she's been.

then mom thought it would be fun to take us by her old house. i was excited to see some of san antonio, especially the area mom had called home for a year & a half. we got to her high school & the rental car started beeping, then all the engine lights began to flash. after the exhausting nail trip we had just had, i couldn't help but laugh. we pulled into a parking lot just as the car died - we didn't even make it all the way into the spot, but we were out of harms way. it happened to be a bakery parking lot - so the girls got lucky with cinnamon rolls & cupcakes. we spent about an hour there, poor grandma dealing with the rental company, eventually getting my cousin, evy, to come pick us up while she hung around for the tow truck.

friday night was the rehearsal dinner in kaitlyn & john's backyard. talk about beautiful! it was the perfect evening, surrounded by family, & filling our bellies with delicious food.

saturday we decided it was best to keep our day mostly open so that we weren't rushing for the wedding, & so that the girls could get real naps in. we visited the san antonio temple - it is stunning. the most beautiful stained glass. followed by some delicious tex-mex, with the nicest ladies who gave the girls huge lollipops when the food was done. saturday was going so well. i couldn't stop smiling.

saturday evening was the wedding. kaitlyn made the most stunning bride. everything about the ceremony & the reception was beautiful & so very classy. rooney made it about a quarter of the way down the aisle before running back to me - not so bad for her first try at flower girl. whenever she started to cry, the ring bearer (also two years old), cornelius, would bring her his fire truck toy. it was the sweetest thing. he was an answer to prayers. we still didn't last through the entire reception, but it was a day i will always remember.

 beautiful bride & her proud dad

i am so sad that i didn't get any pictures with kaitlyn or john on their big day (or at all during the entire trip). they are wonderful people & i am glad we were able to be a part of their big, perfect, beautiful day.

sunday was another simple day. lots of napping, time with evy & her family, a visit to H-E-B, & then dinner with kaitlyn, john, & family. can you believe the newlyweds invited us over to their house the day after their wedding?! they're crazy & i love them for it.

Monday morning, we got up ridiculously early & headed for the airport. i even bought moana & kid headphones to keep rooney quiet for the flight. it went well. UNTIL the last 5 minutes, we were landing, when suddenly we flew straight up & had to loop around, adding more than half an hour to our landing. then, because of snow (did i mention how lovely the texas weather was!), we were on the runway for too long. & of course, roo needed to go to the bathroom. i am sure everyone around us loved me grabbing a diaper from kelsey & holding it to rooney's bottom & then us running off the plane & straight for a bathroom. rooney couldn't stop saying, "it's snowing today!" & was so excited for dad to get home to play in the snow with her.