real talk

ok. i just need a second to be real. i feel like most of my posts are positive, even when talking about my miscarriages. but this one is just the honesty of the struggle. the physical struggle. the emotional struggle. the mental struggle.


before i even begin, i feel like i need to clarify a few things. i never want this to come off as ungrateful. i am beyond grateful & i think that is why allowing myself to feel these emotions is so hard. i haven't yet had to go to an actual fertility specialist, so far i am just working with my obgyn. i am also unbelievably & incredibly grateful for rooney. i have always seen her as my miracle, having had her after two miscarriages when fears of never having a baby filled my head. but now, having had a miscarriage post rooney too - there are no words that will ever adequately describe my love, gratitude, & joy that i receive from being her mom. i am grateful.

i also understand that my journey is not nearly as long as others. i first got pregnant almost three years ago. i know others have been in this battle for 10 plus years. i know that my three miscarriages might pale to others 5 or 6. i know that i haven't had to give myself shots or go through extensive treatments (at least not yet). the point is, we are all at different degrees. this is not a comparison. whether you've experienced a stillborn, multiple miscarriages, or one miscarriage (no matter how early) - we have all been there & we all know what it is like.


today, i am meeting with my doctor for the final procedure, an endometrial biopsy. we are hoping that this shows some hormonal imbalance in my uterus before my cycle starts because hormones are something we can fix. if everything comes back normal, i think he will have me meet with specialists? but maybe not? maybe i just want to keep trying to have a baby & pray that i will because anxiety for these procedures get to me. also, i can't really remember what he said would happen next - it's just been so long since we first met about options.


anyway, these procedures/test put me in a state. a state of ________. fill in the blank & i am probably feeling it. hope that it reveals something. anxiety - what if everything is normal? fear of whatever he is going to insert into my body to remove tissue (tmi?). loneliness. really, just all of those heart pounding emotions. my hands are shaking as i type.


you guys. this is my real talk. this stinks. this is hard. this is the worst & i could probably even say it sucks. so much of what i am going through can't be explained with words. it hurts - physically, emotionally, & mentally. & by "this", i don't just mean the procedures & tests. i mean all of it. the loss. the unknown. the pain. the fear.


i really just feel alone today. & i don't want to make anyone feel bad because i say that. it's not really anything anyone has or hasn't done. i have had many friends reach out to me, especially this morning, wishing me luck & sending love. i am so grateful for those texts. but, i can't explain why i feel lonely. i just do.


i begin feeling guilty about these feelings. mostly because i compare myself to the women who i know have it harder. & comparing is the worst idea. i feel guilty when i don't feel happy because it takes away from who i am. i feel like it cheats rooney out of having the mom she deserves. & guilt just messes with your head - especially when it is unwarranted guilt, which i know is what mine is.


so while i try to remain strong, keep a smile on, & try to encourage those around me - i still have moments/days when it's hard for me to keep moving. my faith is still strong. i continue to hope & pray for a change. i don't doubt that i am doing what i am supposed to. i don't want pity. i just want to let it all out & this is that.