a morning with my doctor

This was Rooney at her wellness check on Thursday.

But it is definitely how I felt today.

I have been waiting for this appointment since I knew I was going to miscarry. I just couldn't wait to sit with my doctor and feel like I was being proactive in getting my babies here.

Then, last night, I couldn't sleep. I was overwhelmed with fear. After I got pregnant with Roo, I assumed maybe my miscarriages were just flukes. I was hopeful. Then last month happened and now I have doubts (I feel they are justified) and of course my brain starts thinking maybe Roo was my fluke/miracle and miscarriages are my normal. Then that leads to what if there won't be more?! And then that turns into crying and very little sleep.

I walked in for my appointment holding back the tears that had already broken through multiple times today. There is nothing harder than walking into an obgyn after a loss - all the smiling, happy pregnant mamas, the couples gushing over ultrasounds, and then the mamas in for checkups with their babies.

Dr. Larsen walked in and I think I did a pretty good job holding those tears (mostly) in. He told me we can try every test he can think of, but there's only a 50% chance that they will show us anything. On top of that, if the chromosomal testing (that both Ashton and I are going to do) comes back irregular, there isn't much we can do and my chances of miscarriage will always be about 60% - even thought my current miscarriage rate is 75%. But I am willing to do anything to just have some answers. Even knowing that my chances of miscarriage will always be high would help me prepare. He will also check my uterus: see if I have a septate uterus as well as take a sample of it before a cycle to check progesterone levels in my lining.

He then said once we have results, we can consult with some specialists be recommends and see if there is more they would suggest we do.

So, all in all, this process will take a few months. I will continue to be emotional. I will continue to wish there was more I could do. But, at least I have these steps to check off and feel like I am doing something to make this better.

For all of you who have sent so many positive thoughts and prayers my way, I can't thank you enough.