finding peace

I woke up this morning feeling overwhelmed and anxious.

Yes, some of it might be because I didn't wake up with my alarm and had to forego my gym time, which is especially a bummer after the peanut butter oreo shake last night.  It could be because it is crunch time at work.  I am sure a lot of it is trying to find a teaching job in Minnesota and filling out application after application.  Maybe it is because my wedding is 37 days away and I still have so much to do. (Real fast though - I am getting married in 37 days!!  Ahhhhh!  I am so so happy and so ready to just be married to Ashton already!)

Most of it this anxiety though, has come from Monday's Boston Marathon bombings.  Since Monday, my heart has been filled with sadness, fear, and worry.  As I watched video clips of the scene, it didn't seem possible that it was happening here, in my home.  I have been glued to updates.  This particular article made me realize the impact of this act.  It ends by saying, "Nothing will be the same."  This is another event that will be added to history books and remembered in the hearts of Americans for forever.

Needless to say, this morning I needed some peace brought to my troubled heart.

As I have talked to Ashton, my parents, his parents, and my friends about the all that is happening around the world and within our own lives, I can't say enough how grateful I am for the gospel.  Knowing that there is more than this life, that I have a Savior, that my Heavenly Father loves me, and that we have a living prophet guiding us here, right now, fills every inch of me with hope, joy, peace, and strength.

I also want to say that there is peace to be found at the temple.  Over the last few weeks, I have been able to strengthen my testimony of the temple, of the work that happens there as well as the peace that overcomes you as you are there.  Just being on temple grounds calms the soul.

Two weekends ago, we had General Conference.  General Conference is a semiannual gathering for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in which we get to listen to Church leaders counsel and guide us.  All of the talks are available to watch or listen to here.  If you are seeking inspiration, answers to prayers, or feelings of peace and comfort, this is the place to go.

Every morning, as I get ready for work, I try to listen to at least one talk.  This morning I listened to  Elder Quentin L. Cook's "Personal Peace: The Reward of Righteousness." It was just what I needed. At the beginning, Elder Cook addresses the tragic Sandy Hook shootings.  He said, "Events often occur that rob us of peace and heighten our sense of vulnerability."  I really could quote the whole thing, because all of it is wonderful, so please read it.  Read it now.  Read it when your heart is sad.  Read it when you want to feel your Saviors love.

I will finish the post with one last quote from Elder Cook's talk.

"We all long for peace. Peace is not just safety or lack of war, violence, conflict, and contention. Peace comes from knowing that the Savior knows who we are and knows that we have faith in Him, love Him, and keep His commandments, even and especially amid life’s devastating trials and tragedies."

the proposal

It has happened.  I have waited for this day for as long as I can remember.

Today, the man I love got on one knee and asked me to be his wife.

It all started like this:

A text from Ashton.  It was a nice day and he wanted to get some Chick-fil-A (a favorite for us) and eat it at a park.  I thought it was a fabulous idea.

(Quick preface.  We had previously talked about getting married, but he had only ordered the ring on Thursday and told me it that would take close to two weeks for it to be done.  So I obviously had absolutely no idea that this was coming!)

We go to Draper Historic Park and start to eat our Chick-fil-A.  He is halfway through his chicken sandwich when suddenly he puts it down.  I said something to him.  Asked if he wasn't hungry because it just isn't normal for him to not finish his Chick-fil-A.

Then he looks at me and says, "You know how yesterday you told me that I should just propose to you with anything?"

"Yes..."

"Well, this is my practice proposal.  I am going to practice."

He proceeds to take a ring pop from his pocket and gets on one knee.  Then he proposes.

A real proposal.

He opens the ring pop for me.  I was a little confused, but he really just is that cute.  So I pull out the ring pop from the package...

And then!

I see two beautiful rings attached to it!

Wow, did I ever get lucky!

Aren't they beautiful!?  He picked them out all by himself.  And he used my mom's pearl.  

Perfect, perfect, perfect!

And then I see that his parents and nephew have been walking through the park, all sneaky, and documented the entire thing.

So here is the story in pictures:

 So sweet.

 Opening the ring pop.

Gasp!

 Happy.

Happier. 

 In love.

 And then I realize how sneaky his parents had been.

So glad we will have this moment forever and ever.

May 24th can't come soon enough.

here's to beans

My baby sister is 14 years old.

Hannah is as sweet as they come.  She was the cutest little girl and has become a gorgeous young lady.  There has never been a better baby sister.  She loves us and is always so ready and willing to show us just how much.  No one can make me happier.  She is a light to everyone she comes in contact with.

Hannah grew up faster than any of us.  She can do makeup and hair better than I will ever be able to.  Her style is a unique blend of all of her sisters - she learned how to make our old clothes look fabulous.  She is my go to style consultant.

I am so proud of Hannah and who she is growing up to me.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE seeing her sharing my passion of working with students with disabilities.  She is a peer tutor at her school and is always telling me cute stories.  She has probably come to my class more than my other siblings and has come with me to cheer on students at the Special Olympics.  She has a heart of gold. 

Oh, and she was the only sibling who would cry when I left for school.  Nothing has ever made me feel more loved.

Hannah banana, my beans, my sweet baby sister - I hope you know how much I love you.  You really are something wonderful and I am so grateful to call you my sister.  I am proud of you.  You are a bright, beautiful girl with so much to look forward to. 

p.s.  I hope you get married before you are 24 and old...haha like me. :)

p.p.s. Thanks for spending the night last night when I was too scared to sleep on my own.

xoxo - your big sister.

kindness

I was listening to the radio on my way to work this morning.  Often times they have people text in stories on some scandalous or bizarre topic, but today they were asking for stories on random acts of kindness.  It changed my morning.  There is so much good in the world that we often overlook.  People were excited to send in stories and the hosts were happy to read them.

My family was touched by the many acts of kindness we saw last year.

We also met/heard of many others whose stories touched our hearts.  A few of them were recently in the news.

Though Porter and Lexe were diagnosed with different cancers completely, they started and finished treatment close to the same time and were both diagnosed while attending Alta High School.  I haven't met Lexe, but she has been such an inspiration to me and reading this article reminded me of how amazing she is.  She won her fight and is now preparing to play soccer at the University of Arizona.

When talking about her fight she says, "Getting sick was the hardest thing, but I learned to slow down and focus on what's important, and that's family and faith.  It was difficult, but if I were promised I would get the experiences and blessings I did, I'd do it again."  Amazing right?

Read her article here.

A few weeks ago, I mentioned Zach Sobiech and his song "Clouds".  CNN recently met with Zach.  You can watch that here.  Zach is a hero.  His story melts my heart, makes me want to cry, and brings a smile to my face.

p.s. If you haven't downloaded his song "Clouds", go do it.

my mom

I haven't been the greatest with blogging so far this year...

Somehow, I am more than a week late for my mom's birthday post!

My mom is perfect, just the right mom for me.  She is so much of what I want to become.  

There isn't a rubric telling you the right way to take the news that your son has cancer and then all the trials that follow.  That type of thing only happens in a parent's nightmare, a nightmare that became a reality for my mom and dad.  I will never forget how amazing they were through everything.  They were so strong and such an example to everyone following Porter's story.  Mom stayed with Porter every night.  We all tried to have a turn spending the night, but somehow it always was mom.  She would tell me from time to time that Porter was too embarrassed to admit that he didn't want to be sick with anyone else, that he needed his mom, but I get it.  No one can tickle your back until you fall asleep like mom.  Just having her there makes you feel better.  I also think that mom wanted to spend the night with him more than she let on.

My mom feels a lot with her heart, just like I do.  She hates to see us hurt and sometimes it frustrates her when she can't fix our broken hearts.  She is fiercely loyal to her family.  She has taught us to work hard and supported us in all our goals.  She has always been my cheerleader - even at high school swim meets (quite possibly the most boring spectating event there is).  She is always proud of her kids and always wants to take care of us.  She is selfless, giving everything she has to us.  I don't even think she realizes that she does it anymore.  She loves my students and they love her.

She is my rock - the one I call in every situation.

Once upon a time, I got put on the wait list for the Special Education program at BYU.  I was more than devastated.  I remember opening that letter and just sobbing.  I spent a few hours in the library trying to collect myself.  My poor mom.  I called her pretty much telling her my world was over.  That if I couldn't get into the program I was going to drop out of school because I could just be an aide and work with my kids that way.  She was brokenhearted for me, but knew I needed to pick myself up and keep trying.  She tried to get me to look at other majors that would allow me to work with my students.  I was being stubborn (as usual) and frustrated that she didn't understand - no other program would work.  I told her that she didn't get it and then I could hear her crying, telling me that it was so hard for her to be this far away from me when I was in such pain.  I never wanted a mom hug so bad.

Plus, my mom is hilarious.  My favorite is when she laughs at herself.  She can do the jerk and sometimes gets which is your temple and which is your foreheard switched around.  She supports loves spontaneous dance parties and tries to teach us how to dance before dad does.  She raised us with alien and ghost talk - something I love!  She taught me not to take life too seriously, a lesson I really needed in college.

Mom,

Thank you for your unconditional love.  Thank you for the life lessons you have taught me.  I love that I get to see you whenever I want and never have to go to Target alone.  You are my example.  You get me through all my tough moments, all the heartbreak and stress.  You put up with my "diva" and I am so grateful for that.

I love you with all my heart!

xoxo

happy last chemo

Since April of this year, my blog has mostly been about my brother's battle with bone cancer.  Well...

On December 9, 2012 Porter left Primary Children's for the very last time.

I remember walking into Primary's that Sunday afternoon excited for Porter to come home for good.  I didn't even think about getting emotional.  I was focused on getting Porter and going home.  As we were getting ready to leave, the nurses had him come out into the hall and ring the bell as they sang, "Happy last chemo".  I will never forget the smiles on their faces while they sang.  I have never felt so much happiness.  There is no way for me to express the amount of gratitude that I will forever have for the nurses and doctors who helped my baby brother.  Porter rang that bell as hard as he could and smiled the whole time.

In a few weeks, Porter will go back to high school. Slowly, life is going to get back to normal-ish.  We are still waiting for his hair to grow back and until it does, I will continue to smother his smooth head with kisses and rubs.  He is still working on his prosthetic, but he can get around just fine.  He even talks about snowboarding in the near future.

These last 9 months have been the hardest and the most amazing 9 months of my life.  Like I have said so many times before, I have never been so blessed and felt my Heavenly Father's love so strong.  I have received words of encouragement from friends I haven't talked to since high school.  People who don't even know me and my family have had Porter in their prayers.  Friends and family have looked out and taken care of us.  They have dropped things in their lives to support us.  We have been on the receiving end of the service spectrum all year.  My heart has been touched over and over again.  I have been forever changed by this experience and I am grateful for it.

At the end of all of this, I can truly say that cancer is the worst.  It sucks (I hate that word, but it is the truth). I would never ever wish for anyone to go through the experience of having it or watching a loved one fight it. It breaks my heart when I hear about another person fighting cancer and  I can't help but cry whenever I stumble upon another cancer story.  BUT, if someone is going through that fight, I hope they have an experience similar to ours - where the blessings just pour upon them.  It is amazing how much peace I have felt during all of this.  Life stood still.  An eternal point of view came into focus.  What matters most in life became obvious.  This cancer brought my family together in a way nothing else could.  Cancer has made me a better person.

Syd took this today.  I am so proud of my Porter.  This is probably my favorite post cancer picture and I had to share it.

Clouds

On Sunday, December 9th (exactly 8 months and 3 days from the day he was diagnosed) Porter left Primary Children's Medical Center for the very last time.  It was such a happy day!  The nurses got together and sang "Happy last chemo to you" (in the tune of Happy Birthday) and Porter rang the bell! - Hopefully a post with pictures of this happy day will be posted sometime during Christmas break.

Saturday morning, my dad showed me the song Clouds by Zach Sobiech.

Zach was diagnosed with osteosarcoma in November 2009.  His tumor was found on his left femur and after a few months of chemotherapy they had it removed and his hip replaced.  After surgery, biopsy showed that the chemo had done it's job, the cancer cells had been contained and killed.  But at the end of May, 2012 (9 months after chemo had ended), they found the cancer had returned in his pelvis and lungs.  There are no known  effective treatments at this time.  They have given Zach just months, maybe a year, to live.

Zach's response to all of this is to embrace each day with hope and joy.  His song is catchy and the lyrics are touching.  "And we'll go up, up, up, but I'll fly a little higher." My heart goes out to Zach and his family.  He is an inspiration.  His song has been on repeat for the last few days and I am reminded of how sweet life is.

You can listen to his song over there ------->

And then I am sure you will want to go to iTunes and buy it.