jumbled thoughts

I have been working on two posts...










And I just can't seem to finish them.

One is about my cruise.  That's right, I went on a cruise!  But I haven't given the world any proof of that trip yet and it needs to be shared.

The other one is about the miracles that have touched our lives since we found out Porter had cancer.  I don't know if I will ever finish that post because there have been so many and they just keep coming!

I am really emotional today.  My heart is full - still overflowing.  I just...I don't know where to start.

The doctors told us that everyone reacts to chemo differently, that maybe he wouldn't even lose his hair!  Which we figured would be the outcome with Porter's FULL head of hair.  Yesterday, Porter admitted he was starting to lose hair.  He is afraid to shower because of it.  Now, this does not mean it will all disappear, it might just thin out, or that might have been it.  No one really knows yet...but still, it broke my heart.  Before, it wasn't real, this whole cancer thing, because it hadn't physically changed my brother at all.  But now it is starting to and I can hardly stand it.  He goes in for his second round of chemo tomorrow.   Everyone always looks forward to Friday - it's finally the weekend!  But this has been one week that I wish could've gone on forever.  I am not prepared for more chemo and I'm not even the one who has to endure it.  How can he be ready?  I am on the verge of tears.  The back of my throat is tight and sore from trying to keep composed at work.

I went on a date last night (surprise! I know), but before I left, Porter and I spent some time sitting outside together.  Yes, that stud is my brother and he makes me so happy.

Also, we (meaning some of my family and a cousin) are "training" for the American Fork Canyon Half Marathon.  This is a pretty neat story.  First of all, I hate running.  It is so definitely not my favorite.  Really.  Not my favorite.  But on March 16th, Kelsey sent me a message on facebook, asking if I wanted to do this half marathon.  It was a run whose proceeds go to those fighting cancer.  I said yes, mostly knowing that we wouldn't really!  We never signed up (I told you I didn't think we would end up doing it!) and then three weeks ago, we found out that Porter would be joining those fighting cancer.  By the time we realized we HAD to run, registration was sold out.  Dad got in touch with someone and they got us 6 spots in the run.  So now I (the girl who still hates running) am running 13.1 miles on Saturday, June 23rd - two days after Porter turns 16.  Perfect.

Happy Easter

I am really emotional this morning, for many reasons.

First.  It is Easter and my heart is full.  This is one of my favorite holidays.  I have always felt a very close relationship to my Savior and for that relationship, I am very grateful.  I know that He not only died for each of us, but He also rose three days later.  Because of everything He has done for you and me, we are able to repent, be clean, and return to live with Him again with perfect bodies.  He is risen.  He lives!  I know that he lives. I love the testimonies of Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon as recorded in D&C 76:22-24:

 22 And now, after the many testimonies which have been given of him, this is the ^atestimony, last of all, which we give of him: That he ^blives!

 23 For we ^asaw him, even on the ^bright hand of ^cGod; and we heard the voice bearing record that he is the Only ^dBegotten of the Father—

 24 That by ^ahim, and through him, and of him, the ^bworlds are and were created, and the ^cinhabitants thereof are begotten ^dsons and daughters unto God.

I know that He lives.  He is my greatest friend.  He loves me through everything, no matter what.  He knows exactly and perfectly my pain, my struggles, and my heartache.  He can comfort me because He knows.  He is in my heart and I see Him everyday as I work with so many special spirits.  I have felt him throughout this weekend.  I have received His love through each of you who have called, texted, prayed, and given words of support, love, and comfort to me and my family.  I love my Savior so very much and I know that that love will be sustaining me and my family through this hard time.

Just on a side note, my council is starting up a blog for my YSA ward out here in Draper.  Yesterday I wrote a blog for it on Elder Rasband's sweet conference address.  If you want to read it, you can right here.

Second.  I am emotional for obvious reasons - my poor brother has to go through trials and affliction that I wish with all of my heart I could take away from him.  He has been so strong through this all.  Yesterday, he texted a friend something like, "I am ok now.  My dad told me everything this morning.  I have wrapped my mind around it and accepted it.  It will be ok."  He is such an example to me.

Third.  I am grateful for my family.  Sydney, Kelsey, and Scott weren't with us while we were at the hospital.  Sydney was on her way home from spring break in San Diego when she found out.  Kelsey and Scott had been in Orange County with cousins for half an hour before they found out and turned around and came back to be with us.  Being with everyone has made it easier.  I think we will be staying close to home for awhile.  We laughed most of last night.  It was wonderful to be with my parents and my siblings as we enjoyed last night like we would have any other night.  Together we are stronger than we could ever imagine.  I know that with them by my side, we can and will make it through this only to become better.

Fourth.  I am emotional because of every kind word and prayer we have felt and heard.  Seeing the outpouring of love for my brother warms my heart.  Thank you.  All we can ask for at this time is for your thoughts and prayers to be with him.  He is in good spirits, we are all in good spirits, and a lot of it is because we are amazed and touched at how much we have received.  Thank you.  A million times.  Thank you.

my hero

A lot has happened in the last few days.  Mostly a lot between Thursday and now.

I was down in Provo until late Thursday night.  When I got up for work Friday morning, I found mom sitting downstairs, already awake (strange since the kids are on spring break and everyone has been sleeping in).  I said good morning to her and walked into the kitchen to grab some food.  She quietly told me that we were fasting today.  By the way she said it, I knew that something was wrong.  I looked at her and I couldn't help but start crying.  Here is the story as I wrote it yesterday while sitting in the hospital:

"Porter has had this huge lump on his leg for the last few months. It's just above his ankle. Dad took him to the doctor yesterday and they just thought it was swollen until the MRI. At 9:30 last night, they called mom saying he needed to see an oncologist at Primary Children's.

So here we are. At the hospital. Hannah came with me to school this morning.  I told my aides what was up and after a few hours at school, they told me that they felt that we needed to be in Salt Lake with Porter.  So Hannah and I left school early to meet the family at the hospital. Michelle got us from the lobby and brought us up just in time to see Port before his biopsy. I got to give him one big hug. He told me he'd see me in an hour and a half, you know how he is, strong and brave.  We are lucky we left when we did or else we wouldn't have had the chance to see Port before he went under.

I guess before Hannah and I had arrived, the doctors told my parents there was a pretty good chance that it was cancer. They told them to prepare for a long year. After Porter heard that, he told my dad that he'd rather it be him with cancer than anyone else.

So we sat in the waiting room for about two hours. The first call was to say that the biopsy was inconclusive and that they needed to get more of a sample. 


Another hour went by...

A doctor with a grim face took mom and dad into the consultation room. Two more doctors joined them. Michelle, Hannah, and I were left outside crying.  Lyman joined us not too long later.

Half an hour later, the longest half hour of my life, the doctors have finally left and dad pulls us into the room.

Porter has cancer. Ewing's Sarcoma. I hate it already.  


After talking with the doctors, dad told us this story:


Porter was still in surgery when the doctor delivered the difficult news for us. Dr. Jones asked us if Porter was a good kid. Mary Ann and I could scarcely communicate how special he is. Then Dr. Jones said, "After he has this experience, he will be even better." That's almost hard to believe, as Port is the kindest, nicest kid on the planet!

All of this while Porter is still in surgery. Three and a half hours later. They are putting a permanent port in his chest for the chemo that will probably start next week. How do we break the news to my only brother, the boy that I love more than anything."


Porter came home last night.  He isn't in much pain (after lots and lots of medication) and has been in and out of sleep most of the day.  He has been so strong, I can hardly believe it.

Dad has created a facebook page for any of you who want updates.  It's called "Porter's Update Page".  Feel free to join - it will probably be the easiest/best way to hear what is happening.

my family's best friend family

I grew up with they Myers.  I always thought Ann and Paul were my aunt and uncle.  Alyse was and has been my best friend since the beginning.  We would take trips to Big Bear, Disneyland and later on, meet up with them at Shaver Lake.  I remember running from angry donkeys in Big Bear or hiking through the rocks and jumping down to our dads.  Sledding down the hill behind our cabin and then lying in bed with red noses.  The days when our dad's made us wear our hats backwards (they had no boys...).  I remember waiting in line to ride Big Thunder Mountain Railroad and Alyse always needing to use the restroom right then.  I remember going to Disneyland and watching the Cummings all wearing the same color shirt.  The matching outfits and big hair bows our mom's would make us.  The days when Alyse was the tan one and I was all white.  I remember Ann making my baptism dress and then 11 years later making me a bridesmaids dress to wear in Alyse's wedding.

We did everything with the Myers since I have been 2.  Then, tragedy, we moved to San Diego when I was 8.  The Myers stayed in our lives, but, of course, our visits with them were a lot less frequent.

This weekend they came up to Utah and on Monday night we gathered for dinner.  Seeing my parents with Ann and Paul just reminds me that everything is alright in my world.  That no matter what, this family will always be a part of my life.

One of the sweetest memories I have of my dad and Paul is at Alyse's wedding.  I remember watching them see each other at the reception.  As they hugged they both started to cry.  It makes me tear up thinking about it.  I don't know why it makes me so emotional, but I feel like that little sweet memory sums up our relationship with the Myer's.

Sadly, I didn't get a picture of all the adults together - but here are a few from our dinner at Tucanos.

The two grandpas.  (Do you think my dad is a little bit ready to have his own grandson?)  I absolutely love this picture.  

 Ann being hilarious and holding onto the balls that Luke won at the arcade.  (If you know Ann, you probably can hear her saying "Hilarious" in your head)

I sure hope we fool this boy into thinking I am his aunt his entire life.  I love him.  Lots and lots.

 I apologize for the poor quality - mom took these ones on her phone.